Free Falling and Defying Gravity

It's Freak-Out Time

2011-11-30T09:55:00.001-05:00

I posted the final draft of my Pastor Profile yesterday.
On December 15, I have a meeting with my District Superintendent to discuss appointment possibilities, based on my gifts and growing edges.
My packet (letter requesting end of leave and accompanying forms) to the Conference Relations Committee is complete and ready to be sent. I will probably do that tomorrow.

This is happening...with only a few hoops to jump through, I am going back under appointment. I am going to be a pastor again.

And I am terrified. Totally freaking out.

I believe with all my heart that this is what God is calling me to do. I'm a great chaplain, but my greatest gifts and joy lie in serving the local church.

I have thrived at OGUMC and love Mac and the people there, and will cry buckets of tears in June...but unless an absolute miracle happens and they suddenly have enough money to add an associate position, I have to leave OG in order to fulfill my calling. (Of course, even if they did add an associate position, I don't know if Mac would want me as his associate. It's one thing to have me in his church as a clergy person on family leave, it's another thing for us to work together on a daily basis.)

I know that God is with me, will continue to be with me, and will give me everything I need to be an effective pastor...as long as I continue to trust in Him.

Harry is a wonderfully supportive spouse and even Nora gets excited at the thought of being a "pastor's kid" (although I doubt she'll feel the same way in a few years).

I asked Mac point-blank a few weeks ago if he thought I was ready to go back, and he said he thought that I was.

My counselor (who is a retired pastor) thinks that I'm ready.

In other words, all the lights are green. God, my intuition, my family, colleagues...I am not seeing any red flags suggesting that I should wait.

But still, I'm terrified. I'm scared of myself, because I know that I am potentially both the greatest asset and the greatest hindrance to my ministry.

God has given me the gifts for being a pastor, and God will give me guidance and wisdom. I have everything it takes to be an effective pastor.
...IF I continue to rely on Him.
...IF I continue to choose faith over fear.
...IF I continue to listen to God's voice and my own intuition over the voice of others.
...IF I continue to practice good self-care and establish/maintain a good support network.

So many "ifs"...and so many are dependent on me being faithful. And I'm so scared that I will fail...

A Failure of Nerve and Interpersonal Relationships

2011-10-24T19:55:00.000-04:00

I need advice.

Things at OG are still rough. It's very similar to what I went through at SJ, and that is painful for me on so many levels. I know it's also very painful for Mac. Well, duh, it's more painful for Mac. He's the pastor. I'm just Random Non-appointed Clergy Person. He's in the middle of it; I'm on the periphery.

I've prayed about why God brought me to OG at this time in my life and ministry and at this season in OG's life, and how I can best support the congregation, the leaders, and Mac.

I felt, and still feel, that perhaps God is calling me to be present for them. To be in prayer, to fulfill my current ministry responsibilities, and to use my gifts to encourage them and challenge them when necessary. I also promised myself and God that I would speak for Mac in meetings...that I would have his back...if and when the time came.

The time came last Monday, and I had what Edwin Friedman calls "a failure of nerve".

During our Church Council meeting last Monday, the SPRC chair attacked Mac. It wasn't a personal attack, but it was about a subject that was not appropriate for the gathering; it belonged in their committee or between them.

I said nothing. Words failed me. I couldn't say anything, and I'm still not sure why. I did glare at our Church Council chair, who quickly shut it down.

But, I left that meeting in tears, and that was a major reason. I felt that I had failed Mac, and I was angry at myself for having failed Mac.

A few hours later, I sent Mac an e-mail, apologizing for what happened. His response, "thank you for your words".

After seeing my counselor the next day, it occurred to me that perhaps I should have apologized to Mac over the phone versus e-mail, because it would have given him a chance to respond (I have avoidance issues; we can talk about that later).

So, the next day I called him, and asked if we needed to "clear the air", so to speak, about what happened Monday night. He said that the SPRC chair was in the front office, people could hear conversations, busy day, etc. All perfectly logical reasons, so I let it go. I did send him an e-mail later, telling him that I would rather have an uncomfortable conversation than for there to be any "bad blood" between us. He didn't respond to that e-mail.

We've e-mailed and texted a few times, but it's all been task-related, and there has been no mention of anything beyond the surface. Not entirely unusual, but kind of frustrating for me, given that I opened up the door for a conversation.

Being my INFP, highly relational self, this is absolutely eating me up inside. I am well aware that Mac is not as relationally-oriented as I am, that this is a crazy busy time, that the combination of the above two factors means that this issue has probably not even crossed his mind very much. There's also a strong possibility that our relationship doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me, which is fine and also fairly expected (after all, it was HIS sermons that made ME cry). I just don't want there to be bad blood between us. I'll be at OG for another eight months, and even after that, we're clergy in the same annual conference. We will run into each other for the next 20 years, and I'd just as soon not be reminded each time I see him that we parted on less-than-stellar terms.

So...how should I proceed? Give him another week, and then bring it up and demand to meet with him? Call him sooner than that? Just give it to God and see what happens? At the very least, I would like to hear, "Oh, that? It didn't even cross my mind. Not even a blip on the radar. We're cool." or "Yes, I'm angry, but I'm still processing and need more time" or something in between.

What should I do, my friends?

What Kind of Church Do We Want to Be?

2011-10-02T17:23:00.000-04:00

At every Finance and Church Council meeting over the past few months, Mac has asked us, "what kind of church do we want to be?" As in, "what kind of church is God calling OG to be?" All of the issues we are dealing with revolve around vision ("it's all about vision, Patti. Vision leaks."**) and the finances are simply a good excuse to change the vision ("we can't afford a worship leader...or band members...or videos...or the community dinner that serves 100+ people every week...or the videos that wonderfully illustrate the theme of the sermon, etc, etc"). The real reason people don't want those things is because they differ from the vision THEY have for OG, and they are unhappy that OG is moving in a direction they're not comfortable with.

It doesn't matter that we've had a 20% increase in attendance over the past year. Or that we had the largest confirmation class in the history of the church. Or that our congregation is looking more and more diverse. Or that we had at least 20 visitors last week. Or that the vast majority of new members join by "profession of faith". Or that our pastor is one of the most incredible and visionary leaders I've ever encountered.

What matters to this group appears to be that they're happy with the status quo, with traditional worship and a homogenous congregation. They'd rather be financially stable and have things their way than be stepping out in faith, reaching out to the world, embracing different people and situations, and growing in love of God and neighbor. They'd rather be safe.

When I think about the question, "what kind of church is God calling OG to be?" I think of the song below. I posted the video and also the lyrics. Truth be told, I think it describes what every church needs to be...

**Mac and I have had a number of discussions about vision and leadership and what God is doing at OG. I've also noticed some things on my own, but I wanted to give credit where credit is due.

Title: All Are Welcome

Author: Marty Haugen

Copyright: 1994 GIA Publications

Verse 1

Let us build a house
where love can dwell
And all can safely live,
A place where
saints and children tell
How hearts learn to forgive.

Verse 2

Built of hopes and dreams and visions,
Rock of faith and vault of grace;
Here the love of Christ shall end divisions;

Verse 3

Let us build a house where prophets speak,
And words are strong and true,
Where all God's children dare to seek
To dream God's reign anew.

Verse 4

Here the cross shall stand as witness
And a symbol of God's grace;
Here as one we claim the faith of Jesus:

Verse 5

Let us build a house where love is found
In water, wine and wheat:
A banquet hall on holy ground,
Where peace and justice meet.

Verse 6

Here the love of God, through Jesus,
Is revealed in time and space;
As we share in Christ the feast that frees us:

Chorus

All are welcome, all are welcome,
All are welcome in this place.

For Such a Time as This, Revisited

2011-10-01T08:00:00.003-04:00

When I met with Mac back in July, I expressed my concerns about my presence at OGUMC compromising Mac's pastoral authority/making things worse for him. He said he didn't see how that could happen. I then asked him if he wanted to set any boundaries on my involvement/actions for the rest of my time at OG, or give me any sort of guidance. He just said one thing, "think about what you would have wanted in your situation at SJ."

So, over the past few months, I've been praying about that, and I've done a few things. I wrote a letter to our District Superintendent, describing specific ways that I have seen God work through Mac at OG. I've tried to be a voice of reason during meetings, challenging people to step back and look at the big picture. I've had a few one-on-one conversations (both spontaneous and planned) with leaders in the church to hear their perspective and offer them mine. I would have welcomed any of these actions when I was at SJ.

However, you know what I would have wanted the most during my time at SJ?

To know that there was someone (besides Harry) in the congregation who cared more about me as a person than about the church. Who, if given the choice, would make a choice that would benefit me versus benefit the church. Who might be willing and able to offer a more neutral view on issues.

It is exceedingly rare for a pastor to have that sort of person in his or her congregation, probably even rarer for them to have such a person among their leadership.

I can be that person for Mac.

And I wonder if that's a huge part of the reason God has me here at OG during this season of my life and ministry.

What do you think?

Forgive Them, Lord, Because They're Utterly Clueless

2011-09-28T22:06:00.001-04:00

I sent Mac an e-mail tonight that displayed evidence of my semi-Choleric personality. I told him that I wanted to beat him with my bare hands.

Why do I want to beat my pastor with my bare hands? It's partially my fault.

About a week ago, I sent an e-mail to Matt (Finance chair), offering some of my opinions about how to help the financial situation, especially in the area of analysis and strategy. He suggested we meet, and we decided on tonight, before another meeting we had.

I called Mac today to a) let him know what we were planning and b) give him the opportunity to say, "no, please don't" (if he had said that, I would have simply told Matt that something came up and cancelled the meeting). He gave me his blessing, I promised that I would tell him what we talked about, and that was that.

I went into this meeting with Matt optimistic that we could have a nice brainstorming session about ways to make OGUMC more financially solvent and a better place overall. I thought I might experience an attempt at triangulation, but figured we could move beyond it and focus on the main issue.

I was wrong.

If it weren't for my five units of CPE and several previous conversations with Mac, I could very easily have been triangulated and wound up joining the "side" of Matt, Ruth (Church Council Chair) and Carrie (Staff-Parish Chair). As it was, I left feeling empathy for Matt (who really is in a tough position), feeling frustrated/angry at Mac (who I think knew exactly what I was walking into), and also feeling empathy for Mac, because this situation is so very, very similar to what I experienced at SJ.

Mac didn't make it to the Endowment meeting, and tomorrow is his day off. That's good for him, because it will give me 24 hours to think and pray and reflect. However, I plan on calling him first thing on Friday morning. I won't violate anything that Matt told me in confidence, but I need to speak with Mac about some of the questions that were raised in our conversation. And confirm that he did, indeed, have a good idea what was going to happen during my meeting with Matt.

The sad things is...and the thing that perplexes me so much about human nature and about the church...is that I do believe that Matt, Ruth, and Carrie have no clue what they're really doing. Matt didn't go into our meeting consciously saying "I am going to get Patti onto our side"...in fact, he kept saying just the opposite. He just told me that he needed someone to listen to him. And so I did. He's a good man, a brother in Christ, and really does seem to have good intentions. However, at the same time, his actions are hurting and compromising the ministry of another good man, another brother in Christ, and my fellow clergy person. On the other hand, Mac isn't perfect either, and isn't without blame.

My question is, where do I go from here? I'm too far "in" to be 100% neutral...but I don't want to give myself a savior mentality and think that I can "fix" everything. I can't.

However, part of what I'm going to discern over the next 24 hours (and probably the next few days) is what God is calling me to do...and whether or not my sense that I have "peacemaking" gifts is true, and if so, how I can use them in this situation.

Prayers would be appreciated. I'll take any advice you want to give me, too.

Who IS This Woman?

2011-09-27T19:15:00.001-04:00

About two weeks ago, Lizzie (our worship/technology person) e-mailed me to see if I wanted to attend Catalyst 2011. Our church had purchased several tickets, but because we're hosting a major event that day, none of the staff, except Warren (our new worship leader) can attend. Therefore, I got invited to use one of the tickets.

I took a look at the website for the conference, and began drooling. I began figuring out how I could make it happen...the logistics and finances of getting to Atlanta, booking a hotel room, and childcare while I'm gone. Within 24 hours:

I had remembered that I had 50K+ in frequent flier miles from Delta, thus ensuring that my flight would be free.
I had booked a hotel room within walking distance of the conference center, with faith that God would provide a roommate to split the cost.
I had made arrangements for the kids (mostly involving my mother taking care of them).
I had told Lizzie that I was "in" to attend the conference.

My flight is booked, the hotel room is booked, God has provided two (2!) roommates to help me split the cost, and I'm headed to Atlanta and Catalyst 2011. The only person I will actually "know" there is our new worship leader, with whom I have had two brief conversations and two e-mails. I'm getting ready to spend three days with people I do not know. I am so incredibly excited about this opportunity, I can't explain it.

What's more amazing is how my approach to this trip shows how my mentality has changed. The Patti of two years ago would have either said, "no way" off the bat (because of the cost, the logistics, the risk of being in an unknown place with unknown people) or given up a day or so later because of some sort of obstacle (real or perceived).

The Patti of 2011 saw an incredible opportunity for what it was, decided she wanted to be a part of it, and made it happen.

I don't know this Patti...I don't know this woman inhabiting my body...but I REALLY like her, and I hope she sticks around.

All Things New

2011-09-26T22:41:00.001-04:00

I changed the name of this blog. And the design. And the focus. Because you know what? I'm different. I'm not the same Patti who started this blog two and a half years ago.

I'm no longer angry at God.
I'm no longer angry at myself.
I'm no longer angry at the church.
I'm no longer figuring out what to do with the rest of my life.

I will always be healing from my experiences...and there will be others in the future. But I'm now at the point where my experience at SJ will only "inform" my future ministry...instead of "form" it.

I'm falling back in love with God.
I'm rediscovering my gifts and passions for ministry.
I have once again embraced the local church (warts and all) and am active in ministry.
I know what God is calling me to do and who God is calling me to be, and I am passionately pursuing that.

I am doing wild and crazy things that I've never done before, like a small group study on Harry Potter and agreeing to attend an awesome conference with three weeks' notice.

So, it only made sense for me to change things around here. I hope you'll remain on the journey with me.

Ramblings on Giftedness, Strengths, and all that Jazz

2011-09-10T22:28:00.003-04:00

In my annual conference, we have this thing called a "pastor profile." I imagine that every pastor has a similar thing, whether you're Methodist or not. Our profiles are actually computerized in a database, and while we can edit them at anytime, they "close" on January 15 of every year, when some lucky person burns them onto CD and distributes them to all of the District Superintendents for annual appointment-making.

So, I'm going up for appointment this year, which means that I need to update and revise my pastor profile. I began the process several weeks ago, because I really wanted to begin discerning, struggling with, and naming my gifts, strengths, and growing edges. Sometime in December, I will sit down with my District Superintendent and we'll have a conversation about my gifts, my passions, my preferences, and what sort of church I might feel God calling me to serve. Before that happens, I want to have all of that internalized so I can really "sell" myself as a potentially effective pastor.

I'm the sort of person who best processes information through talking or writing, so I thought it might help to do some of my discerning/struggling/naming on this blog. I already have a very solid draft of my profile, but I'm still trying to internalize it all AND figure out what my "ideal ministry setting" would look like (and since there is no ideal ministry setting, how much I want to compromise on that).

Over the years, I have taken tons and tons of inventories on my personality traits, strengths, and gifts. I'll recap some of those. I've taken the Myers-Briggs many times, and I am essentially an INFP (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving). However, I function as an extravert in ministry and in social settings where I am comfortable. I'm fairly close to the "border" in terms of iNutitive/Sensing and Perceiving/Judging, as well. I'm a fairly strong "Feeler", but I can be fairly cognitively-oriented, too. In a sense, I can tap into different aspects of my personality, and find that I'm most effective when I do so.

I've taken the DISC inventory twice, and both times had me pretty much "tied" between an "I" (for Influence) and "S" (for Steadiness), which means I can vary between the perpetual cheerleader/visionary/dreamer and the team player who works to have us all hold hands and sing "Kum Ba Yah" together so we can get the job done.

I've also taken the StrengthsFinder assessment, and that's probably been the most helpful of all the inventories I've taken. I highly recommend it, and you can buy the book and take the assessment for under $20. My top five themes are: Adaptability, Connectedness, Input, Positivity, and Communication. People can use their "themes" in different ways, so here's how I see my themes playing out in my life and ministry:

Adaptability: I am able to adapt to my environment (sort of like a chameleon) by tapping into different aspects of my personality or different gifts in order to meet the needs of different people. Sometimes I do this automatically, but sometimes I need to be a little more deliberate about it (and that's a good thing, because otherwise I can be "sucked into the system" or lose myself). For example, at OGUMC I tend to tap more into the "perceiving" part of my personality and function more as an "S" because Mac is more of a "judging" personality and I would probably peg him as an "I" (but I'm not sure). So, in our current situation with financial struggles/vision I (independently) am working to try to get everyone on the same page, and therefore functioning more as an "S".
Connectedness: I think this is probably my dominant strength, and all the others serve to complement it. I am a very relational person; I love people, getting to know people, meeting new people, and deepening existing relationships. I'm the sort of person who loves those "ice breaker" games and "group-building" activities. I have a burden for connecting people to each other, because I believe that it is in relationship with other humans that we are most likely to experience the transforming love and grace of God. I also have a passion for connecting people to resources that might enable them to become all God is calling them to be...whether those resources are focused on meeting material, emotional, or spiritual needs.
Input: Can you remember the names of 90% of the teachers and professors you've ever had? I can! Is your brain a repository of (seemingly) useless information? Mine is! I tend to be good at remembering details about people and places. I've discovered that I can use this information to better connect with people...after all, it gives most of us a warm fuzzy feeling when someone remembers the names of our children, what we do for a living, that sort of thing.
Positivity: I see the world through rose-colored glasses. I'm the eternal optimist. I can find something good to say about anyone. (Example: Hitler was a charismatic leader. An evil dictator who attempted to annihilate the Jewish race, but a very charismatic leader nonetheless. Imagine the good he could have accomplished...) At OG, I am currently using this strength to remind our leaders of all the ways God is working through the church to transform our community.
Communication: I love to write. I love to preach. I love to communicate the Gospel to people. I also sense a passion for creating/improving venues for communication and ensuring that information is effectively disseminated to whomever needs to receive it.

I also have a passion for equipping the laity to do the work of the kingdom: helping people discover their gifts, develop those gifts, and use them to transform the church, community, and world.

In a perfect world and in a perfect ministry setting, I would love to be an associate pastor and have my primary responsibilities revolve around using my gifts in relationships and connections...maybe being in charge of congregational care, small groups, and evangelism. I also really like working with youth, although I haven't done so in seven years.Actually in a perfect perfect world, I would love to primarily work with youth and young (and younger) adults (think those under 40), while focusing on the areas I mentioned above.

However, if I wind up as the solo pastor of a station church or two-point charge, I think my gifts would still be very useful; they would just mostly be on a one-on-one basis or used in one or two small groups, instead.

Mac and I are going to have a conversation about my pastor profile sometime...soon. I asked for his feedback on my gifts and strengths, and of course we're also going to wind up discussing my growing edges, which I will probably cover in my next post.

I Tried Mac's Sermon-Writing Method for This One

2011-08-10T22:42:00.001-04:00

Tonight, I preached at our regular Wednesday-night service. It's a pretty low-key thing; 15 people is a big crowd. Anyway, when I met with Mac about two weeks ago, he shared some of his sermon-writing strategy with me. I used it for this one, and I felt pretty happy about it. Let me know what you think. Sermon is after the jump.

Isaiah 43:1-7

OGUMC

August 10, 2011

I believe that most adults can point to a major event, whether tragic or celebratory, that defined and unified their generation. The event that, if you ask, “where were you when______”, they not only know what you’re referring to, but they most likely can remember where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news about what happened. For my grandparents’ generation, that event was probably Pearl Harbor Day in December 1941. For my parents’ generation, it was probably President Kennedy’s assassination in November 1963. It’s August 10, 2011, and in exactly one month and one day, we will observe the tenth anniversary of September 11, 2001, which I would say would be the event that defined and unified my generation, those of us who call ourselves Generation X.

In September 2001, I was in my second semester at Asbury Theological Seminary. I had a class at 9:30am on Tuesdays, and I was on my way to that class, taking a shortcut through the student center, when I saw a huge crowd gathered around the TV in the lobby. The first tower was burning, and as I stood watching the news with everyone else, I saw the second plane hit the second tower. I went on to class, and then to chapel, where I heard about the attack on the Pentagon, about Flight 93 crashing in Pennsylvania, and where we prayed for our nation and all those affected by the attacks. In the days, weeks, and months following September 11, there were really three distinct responses that I heard: there were people who were seeking God and God’s comfort in the midst of the crisis (some for the first time), there were people saying that the attacks were God’s judgment on a sinful nation, and finally, there were people who were angry at God for letting this happen and refusing to believe in God or trust in God because if God really was good, how could all those people die? Yes, some people were saved from the wreckage of the towers and the Pentagon, the attacks happened before 9am in a city that is still very much a 9-5 operation, and you heard story after story of people who were late for work or who missed their flight…and whose lives were therefore spared. Some people were rescued. Some people were saved. But not everyone was rescued. Not everyone was saved. God did not meet our expectations. And that was the crux of the matter in the aftermath of September 11, and is something we face every day of our existence, especially in the hardest times: we expect that a God of infinite love, infinite power, and infinite knowledge would prevent disasters large and small from occurring. But that just doesn’t happen, does it? God does not meet our expectations. Even when it seems like we’re doing everything “right”, even when we’re perfectly in line with God’s will, bad things still happen in the world. Earthquakes, tornadoes, and flooding still destroy cities, homes, and lives. People still get cancer and die. We lose our jobs. Friends betray us. We expect that if we love God, if we follow God’s will, if we put our faith and trust in God, that everything will be fine…and so often it isn’t fine. God does not meet our expectations.

The key words are “our expectations”. Because that’s exactly what they are: our expectations for who we expect God to be and what we expect God to do versus what scripture tells us about who God is and what God does.

If you look carefully through scripture, you certainly see many, many stories of God intervening on behalf of God’s people, both groups and individuals. However, you also see many times when God appeared not to intervene, or waited a while to intervene. And most of the time when God did intervene and heal the sick, raise the dead, win a battle, not everyone was spared. There were still casualties.

So, what do we do with that? When we continue to look at scripture, we see one consistent theme throughout the Bible: God promises to be with His people, and fulfills that promise, whether or not we are aware of it, or even whether or not we believe it. That’s the promise we hear in today’s scripture reading, from Isaiah 43:

Isaiah 43:1-7 But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. ² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. ³ For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Ethiopia and Seba in exchange for you. ⁴ Because you are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you, I give people in return for you, nations in exchange for your life. ⁵ Do not fear, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you; ⁶ I will say to the north, "Give them up," and to the south, "Do not withhold; bring my sons from far away and my daughters from the end of the earth-- ⁷ everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made."

This passage was most likely written during a time when the bulk of the population of Israel was in exile in Babylon, a land far, far away from Israel. God’s people had been unfaithful, had broken God’s laws, and had paid for it by being conquered by a foreign army and deported to Babylon. That’s the simple story. The Israelites had been through a difficult time, were going through a difficult time, and were facing difficult times ahead of them. This part of Isaiah is speaking hope to them…and speaks hope to us in the 21^st century.

Listen to the language of the passage: do not fear…when this happens…when that happens…when the other thing happens…God knows that these things will happen, that tragedy and pain and suffering will come into our lives. But listen to the words in between…I created you…I formed you…I redeemed you…I have called you by name…you are mine…I will be with you. I love you.

The promise contained in these words is twofold. First, there is the promise that God is with us through thick and thin, that God will never leave us or forsake us, and that God is walking with us and giving us His comfort and peace through even the darkest night and lowest low. Second, there is the promise of redemption…which is a fancy church word meaning changing something for the better. God takes the pain and suffering of our lives and of this world and redeems it…makes something good out of what was bad. It’s the message of all of scripture…Adam Hamilton, who is the pastor of Church of the Resurrection, a United Methodist church in Kansas City, says it best: “The overarching message of the Bible is that God brings life out of death and good out of evil.”

I’ll give you a personal example…I’ve shared with some of you the devastation and pain I experienced in my first pastoral appointment, and the struggle I had with healing from that. It’s been three years…and there are still times I feel the wounds and see the scars. I imagine I always will feel some sort of pain this side of heaven. However, I can clearly see the ways God was with me through that experience and the ways God has, and is continuing, to redeem that difficult period in my life. I now know how important it is to rely on God and pay attention to my spiritual life…I am more sensitive to the pain of others…I have learned important lessons about leadership…and I have a much more realistic view about being a pastor, just to name a few. Most importantly, I can see clearly how God was with me through that entire experience, and the ways God worked to bring me grace through the pain.

God does not live up to our expectations…our expectations that everything will be fine, that we will not suffer, that we will not experience pain…but God does fulfill His promise…that He loves us, that we are his children, that he will be with us, holding us, and loving us through every moment of our lives, giving us strength, giving us wisdom, giving us peace. We can go through life being frustrated that God does not live up to our expectations…or we can go through life being thankful that God always lives up to his promises to redeem us, to be present with us in our struggles, and to bring hope out of even the darkest times.

Free Falling and Defying Gravity

2011-08-06T19:33:00.000-04:00

I've always been a "safe" person. The sort of person who likes guarantees, whose actions are often based on the hope (and expectation) of positive outcomes, who does things so people will like her. I thrive on feedback, especially the positive sort. I don't like taking risks. And for someone whose chief spiritual gift is "Faith", I'm really lousy about stepping out in faith in my own life.

In the past crazy eight months, that has been, slowly but surely, changing. First there was the decision to accept Mac's offer to preach. Then there was the exploration to return to being a pastor. Next, slowly but surely, getting more involved at OG and doing things without knowing what would happen: initiating relationships instead of merely responding to the invitations of others, becoming a part of ministries (like the Endowment Fund) without knowing if I'd be good at them or not. Finally, the biggest leap is coming up in about four months: when I will look in the face of my District Superintendent and tell him, "send me".

Through all of this, I've come to rely more and more on my own intuition, my own authority, and my own faith in myself. Most importantly, I have come to rely upon God, upon my faith in God, and upon God's faith in Patti. It's wonderful and freeing while also being terrifying and agonizing.

A huge part of this is my growing ability and willingness to listen to my "heart" rather than my "head". I am a feeling person, a relational person. My heart tends to lead me to be in relationship with people, to reach out to others, to use the gifts God has given me. Of course, following my heart occasionally leads me to put my not-very-big (6 Narrow) foot in my mouth, so my head does come in handy from time to time. I just need to allow my heart to lead and be informed by my head, rather than allow my head to call the shots. Because, when I let my head lead, I tend to over-analyze and be anxious, which creates distance between myself and others and causes me to second-guess my gifts, my abilities, and my instincts.

In so many ways, I feel like I'm free-falling. Like I'm defying gravity. Because I'm stepping out of my self-imposed safety zones. For the first time in almost 35 years of life, I am (mostly) basing my actions not on what I "should" do, what others think I "should" do, or how other people might react to what I do. Instead, my actions are based on what I hear God telling me to do, and my confidence in my own intuition and authority (and my ability to discern God's voice).

As I said, both wonderful and terrifying. Especially when it comes to relationships, which as we all know, are at the heart of ministry. Isn't it amazing to watch God work in our lives?

For Such a Time As This?

2011-07-21T20:42:00.001-04:00

If you persist in staying silent at a time like this, help and deliverance will arrive for the Jews from someplace else; but you and your family will be wiped out. Who knows? Maybe you were made queen for just such a time as this. Esther 4:13-14 (The Message)

I'm struggling with my role at OGUMC, and what God is calling me to do there.

Months ago, I promised myself and God that I would never willingly undermine or jeopardize Mac's pastoral authority. I am very aware that I am on his territory, so to speak, and I want to respect that. Thus far, I have experienced Mac as a very permission-giving pastor. He let me preach in January (without even knowing much about me), and once we joined OGUMC, he put me on the Church Council, which is the governing board for the congregation. We have it set up so that everyone on Church Council is also on the Finance Committee, so I'm on both, too.

I've gotten increasingly involved as a result...first there was the Finance Chair asking me to begin the Endowment Committee/Fund, then there was the capital campaign...and I'm also occasionally serving as the liturgist at the 8:15 service (every three months or so) and occasionally preaching at the Wednesday night service (again, every two or three months). I will probably be leading a small group this fall. With the exception of my January preaching gig and the healing service that I did while he was out of town, Mac has not asked me to specifically do anything; he has just essentially made room for me to utilize my gifts, and the rest has happened as a result of either my initiative or that of someone else.

Mac's exact words to me last December (when he told me that he had put me on the Church Council) was, "you can be as involved or not as you want. It's up to you." And so, I've gotten fairly involved, with his blessing, and I have seen no evidence that my current level of involvement bothers him. So, keep all that background information in mind, OK?

As I've mentioned before, OG is in a major major financial crunch. There's a lot of anxiety, a lot of fear, and a lot of differing opinions, including a difference of opinions between Mac and some of the key leaders. As usual, this situation did not happen overnight, and has been several years in the making. Part of it is about stewardship, but that's not everything. It's also about vision, and whether or not people have "bought into"/agree with the vision that Mac and the leaders have discerned.

Here's the thing: while I don't have any short-term solutions, I do have opinions about the root cause of the lack of giving. And I have opinions on what our first steps should be to address that root cause. A lot of my opinions fall in the vision/spirituality area. I haven't shared these opinions with anyone because I'm wondering if I should, if my doing so would threaten Mac's pastoral authority, or if God is calling me to speak a prophetic word to OG.

I believe that I am here at OG, at this time in my life and in the life of the congregation for a reason. I have been praying for the congregation and for Mac for months, and feel that my prayers have made a difference. However, I have this niggling feeling from God that I need to use my voice...but I want to do so in a way that will not come back to bite Mac or jeopardize my relationship with him. As far as I'm concerned, the whole congregation can come at me with tar and feathers, but I don't want to do anything to hurt or anger Mac.

And yes, I probably will call Mac in the next few days and talk to him about this...but I wanted to hear your opinions, too. What do you think?

Plundering the Egyptians: Finding God in Popular Culture

2011-07-21T10:41:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I saw the final movie in the Harry Potter series ("Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2"). It was a bittersweet experience, because while the movie was great, it also marked the end of an era that also encompassed the first ten years of my marriage.

I saw the first Harry Potter movie in November 2001, when I was a newlywed and in my second semester of seminary. I had not read any of the books, and in fact went to see the movie because I had heard so many conflicting reports over whether Harry Potter promoted witchcraft/evil or was simply a fantastic story. I wanted to see it for myself so I could make up my own mind on that issue.

By the end of the 2 1/2 hour movie, I was hooked. I was entranced. Over the next year and a half, I read the first four books and listened to them on CD. When the fifth book came out in 2003, I was on the "hold" list at the library and received one of the first copies. I read it in a day. That Christmas, I received the first five books as presents. When the sixth book came out, I pre-ordered it from Amazon and received (and read) it that day. When the seventh (and final) book came out, I was 34 weeks pregnant with Nora and at SJ. That weekend was one of the few times that I had my sermon completed and bulletin printed by Friday afternoon. The book was due to be released on Saturday, and I wanted the whole day to read it. I received it via mail around 2pm on Saturday, grabbed it from Harry's hands, and headed for the nursery and the comfy glider. I read it in five hours, and I think that was the last time I read a book (of significant length) in one sitting. I own all seven books, I've seen all seven movies, and I own most of them.

While my devotion to them is not quite as fervent, I am also a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings, the Chronicles of Narnia, and even Twilight (although I don't own the series yet, but they're on my Amazon wish list). I have glimmers and themes of the Gospel in all of them.

As I've matured as a Christian and a person, I have developed an increasing appreciation for the way God works through popular culture, and have developed an eye for "mining" popular culture for glimpses of the Gospel. Wesley called it "plundering the Eygptians."

With that in mind, I'm going out on a total limb this fall and offering a small group study at OGUMC on the Harry Potter series. If that takes off, I'll follow it up with studies on the other series I've mentioned. Rather than ignoring popular culture or embracing it without thought, I believe that we as Christians can and should engage culture and critically examine it, see how God works through it, and find lessons that we can apply to our lives and draw closer to God.

What's your take on this? Have you been part of a study on elements of pop culture?

Being a Normal Person: Finding Friendships with Laity

2011-07-17T16:19:00.001-04:00

I recently read this article about solutions to the loneliness of pastoral ministry, and it hit home, particularly the advice given to find friends who are a) not clergy and b) not part of your church. Reflecting on my own pastoral experience, I've found that to be fairly challenging. When I was in Danville, everyone I knew was either a pastor, married to a pastor, or a member of my church. Seriously. I had no clue how to meet other young professionals in their late 20s/early 30s, and there weren't that many people who fell into that category, anyway. On top of all that, I was in a small community, so too many people knew me as "the pastor of St. John's." Anonymity was difficult. We did have some friends who lived about 70 miles away, and would get together with them from time to time. But local friends? Did not exist.

Now that I'm planning on going back to the parish, I'm struggling with the prospect of experiencing that sort of loneliness again. There are a few things that give me some hope. First, I have children, and I have found that they can be a bridge to potential friendships with fellow parents (play dates, preschool, school, and other interactions). Second, if I am appointed in this area (please God please God please God) then it is large enough, diverse enough, and has enough to offer that meeting other young (under 40) people shouldn't be a problem. Third (and this is also dependent on me being appointed in this area), we already have a few friends here, and those relationships can help support us. Specifically, we have a husband and wife who are probably our best friends, whose son is in between Nora and Walter in age, and who we have known for almost a decade. Since they've known me before I was "Pastor Patti", they see me as a normal person, and I feel perfectly comfortable being transparent and human and knocking back margaritas with them.

However, I do worry about how I'm going to make new friendships in the community. I guess I'm just not the sort of person who makes friends easily. I'm friendly, and can carry on a conversation very well...and I can certainly have many acquaintances. But true friendships, where both parties feel comfortable letting their guard down and being themselves? I don't have a whole lot of those, and struggle with how to make the bridge from acquaintance to friend.

So...how do you typically meet non-clergy, non-church friends?

Lost and Found

2011-07-13T08:13:00.001-04:00

The video above is Francesca Battistelli singing "Free to Be Be", which is a song I love, and which resonates with my recent experience.

If you remember my post from a few weeks ago seeking advice about a pastoral counselor or spiritual director, I decided on the pastoral counselor option, thanks in large part to the RevGals and an especially helpful e-mail from Mutha+. My first appointment was today, and I have a good feeling about this new relationship. He's an older gentlemen, a Disciples of Christ (Christian Church) minister, so he is aware of the issues related to clergy life. I plan on seeing him every two weeks. In our hour together, I basically gave a recap of my life over the past five years, including brief descriptions of my SJ experience, my healing, my experiences at OG, and motherhood.

One thing my counselor (I guess I need to come up with a pseudonym for him) pointed out for consideration is that the past seven months have been about Patti re-discovering Patti....on so many levels. And I think he's right. I think that through the SJ experience, motherhood, and postpartum depression, I sort of lost my identity in a way. And now I am beginning to rediscover who Patti is and who God created Patti to be...and celebrate that person, instead of trying to stifle her or change her. Certainly, I am not perfect, and I have blind spots and growing edges, just like we all do. But, I am also a unique child of God and a person of worth, and I have my own unique light to shine and my own gifts to give this world.

In other words, I'm beginning to be "free to be me", and it feels really good.

One More Year...

2011-07-03T12:57:00.001-04:00

There's a story from Greek mythology about the warrior Odysseus (of "The Odyssey" fame) and his encounter with the Sirens of the sea. As his ship neared the place where the Sirens (women with beautiful voices who lured unsuspecting sailors to shipwreck on their island) where rumored to be, Odysseus ordered his men to stuff their ears with wax (so they wouldn't hear the Sirens' song) and tie Odysseus to the mast, so he could hear the Sirens, but couldn't escape. When he heard the song, he implored his men to let him go free, but they did not, ensuring that the ship continued on to its destination.

One year from today, in fact one year from this moment, I will have just finished my first Sunday in my new appointment. That's my vision, and I believe that's God's vision, as well. I've realized over the past few days that I have spent the past 15 years trying to talk myself out of a call to parish ministry. I have certainly begun the journey to return to being a pastor, but the next year (especially the next five months, when I need to take certain steps to go off leave, to meet with my District Superintendent, to get on the appointment list, to update my pastor profile, etc) will be crucial. I will get cold feet. I will hear the Sirens singing to me of extension ministries, of another year of family leave, of all sorts of other options besides my intended destination. I will hear them singing warnings about all the pain, heartbreak, and frustration of local church ministry. I will hear them singing about how I can't do it, how I'm not good enough...and if I allow myself to get distracted by those songs, I will shipwreck and never arrive at my destination.

So...I'm asking for you to journey with me...to stuff your ears with wax, to tie me to the mast, and to keep rowing past the Sirens. And when I express my doubts and fears, remind me of our final destination and don't untie me until we arrive.

One more year...I am excited and nervous and terrified all at once.

The Honeymoon is Over

2011-07-01T08:51:00.001-04:00

One of my seminary professors once said, "in every marriage comes the point when you wake up and realize that you married the wrong person. What you do with that realization defines the health and longevity of your marriage."

I think that statement can be applied to many relationships, including those between friends, colleagues, and pastor/parishioner. At some point, you become aware of some of the "warts" of the other party, and have to decide whether to embrace them, warts and all, or simply walk away. I tend to be an "embrace them, warts and all" person in most of my relationships.

The honeymoon is over, on my part at least, in the sense that I no longer see OG (or even Mac, for the matter) through rose-tinted lenses. Nothing horrible happened and no harsh words were spoken: I still love the people of OG and still affirm how God works through them. I still love Mac (in a collegial, friendly, still-think-he's-awesome way) and definitely affirm how God works through him. I just see the warts in a much clearer way than I did a few weeks ago.

In a way, it's fairly liberating, because now the gloves are off and I feel much more comfortable being myself. That's also kind of scary, because I can be a "call-it-like-I-see-it" kind of person when I'm comfortable with someone. For example, there was the sadist remark that I made to Mac two weeks ago. And on Wednesday, I actually told Mac that I found his response to something I said "unsatisfactory."

Earlier this week, we had a finance meeting that was fairly...tense. Actually, it was more than tense. It involved raised voices and probably some hurt feelings. Giving is down, and since we have this huge mortgage, we're struggling to pay the bills and fund ministries. So, we're having to cut the 2011 budget, and our only wiggle room is in the areas of staffing and ministries. You get the picture.

I believe that God brought Mac and OG into my life for a reason, and vice versa. I wonder if that part of that involves me being a support/voice of reason for the leaders of OG and a support person for Mac. I know he has a strong support system in place (he's shared the details of that with me), but I'm really the only person among the leaders of the church who has nothing to lose, so to speak. My only agenda is to serve God and OG and to get myself ready to return to being a pastor.

Preaching Styles and Methods

2011-06-27T18:40:00.001-04:00

In seminary, I was encouraged to preach without notes, and that method of preaching was held as a standard for effective preaching. In fact, my preaching professor (none other than Ellsworth Kalas, for you Methodist folk), required us to preach all our sermons without notes. So, I did it. But in my opinion, I sucked at it. I just couldn't get comfortable enough with my sermon to preach it with the confidence and authority needed.

When I entered parish ministry, I began preaching with a manuscript, but over time was able to preach with an outline, as long as my introduction and conclusion were either written out or had very detailed notes. Of course, once I left SJ and wasn't preaching every Sunday, I fell out of practice and the few times I did preach, I preached with a manuscript.

I've mentioned how highly I think of Mac's preaching. For a long long time, I thought he preached without any notes, except for the occasional quote or the like. And it seems that he is able to do that fairly frequently in our 11am service (the second one). However, the first Sunday I served as a liturgist at 8:15, I saw him bring some pages to the pulpit when it was time for him to preach. While I wouldn't say that he was READING them constantly, he would refer to them from time to time. Later on, he admitted that he preaches with a manuscript.

I mentioned in an earlier post how much I loved Samuel Wells' preaching at our Annual Conference. Well, HE used a manuscript, although his preaching style is vastly different from Mac's (whose preaching style I love, but it's hard to describe). So, there you go. Two preachers who I greatly admire, who both prepare and preach from manuscripts. I'm sure there are more.

Over the past few months, I have tried to begin preaching without notes or with just an outline, but I find it really difficult. I've discovered that I'm far more effective when I use a manuscript, especially if I have enough time to read through it and practice it multiple times before actually preaching. Part of it may be that I'm still gaining confidence in my preaching ability, but another part of me wonders if it's just a matter of preference.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've decided to allow myself the freedom to preach from a manuscript, without having an inferiority complex about it.

Torn

2011-06-22T20:22:00.001-04:00

Annual Conference was, overall, a great experience. I got to re-connect with a number of friends I hadn't seen in a year or more. On Thursday night I had dinner with a former pastor (who is now a friend and mentor), on Friday I had lunch with my friend Hannah, who helped hold me together during the SJ debacle, and on Friday night I had dinner with Lee, my college roommate (who is not clergy, but who lives in the city where AC was held). The preaching was incredible: Rev. Dr. Sam Wells (the dean of the chapel at Duke) was the preacher, and BOY OH BOY can the man preach. Worship was filling, and I also enjoyed voting for General and Jurisdictional Conference delegates for the very first time. I saw Mac a few times, and sat with him once or twice.

There were parts of AC that were challenging. The sermons, worship, and conversations both opened and healed past wounds. It was wonderful and affirming to be among fellow clergy and to be reminded of who I am and Whose I am, but it also served as a reminder that while I'm where God wants me to be, I'm still "in limbo", so to speak.

The sessions and voting continued into Sunday, but both Mac and I chose to leave on Saturday afternoon (separately, of course) to be at OG on Sunday morning. I think he didn't want to take another Sunday off, and I was on-call on Saturday night and scheduled to be the liturgist on Sunday morning. And once again, Mac's sermon made me cry. While I was the liturgist. In front of everyone. Thankfully, I don't think many people noticed, and my part of the service was already over (I do the first half, and he does the second half), but it was just a little embarrassing. So, after the service was over, I glared at him, told him he was a sadist for making me cry when I was the liturgist, and stomped off. I then went into a dark classroom to cry for half an hour. Later I sent him an e-mail apologizing for the sadist remark, although from his response he was more flattered than offended.

There is a reason that I cried during that sermon, and it's because God spoke to me in a powerful way about a particular issue in my life. I'm not going to dwell on that right now. What I do want to dwell on is how I've seen God work through Mac, week in and week out, to really BRING IT in terms of preaching. In the nine months since I've really been paying attention to his sermons, I have only heard one sermon that even came close to being a "dud". Sunday was the ninth time that Mac's sermon made me cry, and the third time that I've pretty much sobbed during/after a sermon.

So, I can't help but be amazed at the man/instrument of God who can attend three days of meetings from 7am to 10:30pm, drive five hours, arrive home at 9pm, probably wake up around 6am, and then stand in the pulpit and deliver a sermon that powerful and convicting. It elicits two responses in me: a desire to learn as much as possible from Mac so that I can be that effective, and a desire to slink away because I don't see how I'll ever be that effective. I guess I find Mac both inspiring and intimidating (side note: that's kind of amusing to me, because as I'm getting to know him better, I'm becoming more and more aware of his blind spots, so I certainly know that he is not perfect. But what he does well, he does VERY VERY well). I want to be just like him (not really, but you know what I mean), but part of me feels that's impossible.

These days, I'm torn between the burning desire to be back under appointment, to be a pastor, to be in full-time ministry...and the utter fear that I will not measure up, that I will not be effective, that I will never meet my potential, and that my sermons will always be mediocre.

I guess, in a way, I'm torn between trusting God and relying on God's grace to transform me into the person and pastor I am meant to be...and shrinking away because of the fear that I don't have what it takes to be a preacher and leader who God works through to change lives.

I know what I need to do...and which choice is the better one. It's just hard.

Something (Sort of) Humorous

2011-06-11T09:14:00.002-04:00

This happened a few months ago, but I thought I'd share it here, since I still think it's ridiculous/hilarious.

I'm on the rotation to serve as a liturgist at the 8:15 service (which is the traditional service). We normally attend the 11am service, which is contemporary. Therefore, not everyone at the early service is familiar with me and my family. Lizzie (worship person) has us do two Sundays in a row when we are the liturgist, and there are enough of us that we only do it every three months or so.

So, I do my liturgist thing for two Sundays in a row, and receive rave reviews from the congregation, blah, blah. It was fun. The next Wednesday, Mac and I meet for an hour or so in his office. As I'm leaving, his administrative assistant (who I'll call Callie) tells me that she just got off the phone with someone who asked if I was Mac's WIFE, presumably because we "looked/worked so well together." Of course, Callie corrected this individual, but I was speechless nonetheless. Mac just laughed (for the record, he is married, to a woman I'll call Helen. Helen is gorgeous and is probably a size 8 when she is bloated. She is also a lovely person, based on the limited interactions I've had with her).

Later, I sent Mac an e-mail with my delayed reaction. In case someone ever asks that again, I'll simply say, "No thanks, I prefer men my own age." Mac is over 10 years older than me. His children are grown.

But really, I just laugh and wonder at the ridiculousness of this person's comment. During that service, we may have briefly spoken twice (for 20 seconds or less), I may have looked at him three or four times (for cues, and of course I was looking at him while he was preaching), and the only time we touched was when he SHOOK MY HAND in the back of the church, after the benediction, thanking me for helping out.

Sheesh, from all of that, where did this person get the idea that we were MARRIED?

Reader Participation Sunday: Pastoral Counselor or Spiritual Director?

2011-06-05T19:12:00.001-04:00

It has become clear to me that I need someone to talk to on a regular basis, someone who can help me discern and sort and wrestle with what I hear God telling me, and who can help me work through the challenges and struggles that life brings me. While I have been meeting with Mac every 2-4 weeks, and will continue to do so, I would rather use that time to pick his brain about other things AND possibly be available for him, if the opportunity arises. There are also issues that I would rather not discuss with Mac; not because I don't trust him, but for other reasons.

I came to this realization (that I need help, that I need an additional resource) on Tuesday night. It had been a busy week and weekend. I worked 13.5 hours on Saturday, was then on-call Saturday night (and received two pages), attended church (where the special music and accompanying video made me cry), went to two different potlucks, and was then on-call again on Monday night (when I got yet another page). By Tuesday, I was exhausted. By Tuesday afternoon, I was sobbing on and off, and realized that I could not attend the very important campaign meeting that evening, simply because of my mental state.

I called Mac on Wednesday, and he made time for me on Friday, and we discussed self-care strategies and I shared that I clearly need help with self-management (such as knowing when I need to rest before things reach a critical point, building rest and care into my schedule, etc). He shared with me some of the strategies he uses, and invited me to share some of those (a small group, a clergy discussion group).

So, I'm going to use the next few months to build a support network for myself, with the hope that I'll be appointed in this area and will have these resources in place. My first step is what I mentioned before: someone who I can talk to, who can help me sort through my thoughts, and who will aid me in discovering and following God's will in my life.

The two clearest options for the sort of resource I'm describing are either a spiritual director or a pastoral counselor. I live in an area where either are readily available, and even have the number for several pastoral counselors. I cannot utilize both at this time, for financial reasons. My insurance would pay for the pastoral counselor, but I would probably need to pay out of pocket for the spiritual director, and I don't know how much that would cost.

I'm leaning towards the pastoral counseling option, but I wanted to hear your thoughts. Which have you found most helpful?

Some Light Reading for a Friday Night...

2011-06-03T21:25:00.001-04:00

I've been busy over the past few months, which is why I haven't posted much. Here's an update, with bullet points to make it easier for you:

I wound up being on the Steering Committee of our capital campaign. I'm doing the spiritual emphasis, so we're organizing a prayer vigil and prayer prompts/guides for each week for the rest of the campaign.
I'm also the chair of our still-forming Endowment Committee. Our first meeting is at the end of this month. I figure this financial experience will help me when I go back to being a pastor.
I'm speaking at the United Methodist Women's meeting this Monday. It should be fun, and I'm going to speak about women's roles in the church, specifically my call to ministry and the challenges and blessings that I've faced as female clergy.
I've met with Mac about three more times since my post back in early April. One time he initiated it (as a response to a question I asked), but the other two times I initiated the meeting, as a result of stuff that I am processing/experiencing (more on that in another post). He has been absolutely magnificent, has become a valuable mentor, and is also becoming a friend. I'm beginning to feel more comfortable with him, in the sense of feeling like his equal instead of "meek provisional elder who sucked at her first appointment vs pastor of large church with twenty years pastoral experience," which is how I felt at first. I still feel that I'm receiving more from this relationship than he is, but that's OK. I pray for him, I gave him my extra Wesley doll (when Asbury sent me two instead of one), and I frequently let him know how much I appreciate him. Oh, and I also stoke his ego by telling him that his sermon and/or the "special music" made me cry. But don't worry, I also ask him questions and have even expressed my disagreement from time to time.
I am going to Annual Conference this year. Did I tell you that? They're offering childcare for kids 3 and older, we're staying with my mother-in-law (who will watch Walter for me) so we don't have to pay for a hotel (because I get no per diem, since I'm on leave), and I'm looking forward to seeing some clergy friends.

Happy Friday!

TRAIN PARACHUTE with LYRICS

2011-05-29T14:01:00.002-04:00

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This song and video, which Mac showed in church this morning, had me nearly sobbing. Watch it and you'll understand why...

This Makes FOUR Times in As Many Months!

2011-05-05T20:09:00.001-04:00

That I've preached (I preached at our Wednesday night service on April 13. Very low-key). Mac has been traveling a bunch the past few weeks due to continuing education and annual conference stuff, so he asked me (well, actually, our worship staff person, who I'll call Lizzie, asked me) to preach at the monthly healing service, which was last night. Here's my sermon. I think the service went very well, and I was delighted to have the opportunity. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated. Sermon is after the jump..

Rev. Patti W&H

Romans 8:35-39

Healing Service

OGUMC

May 4, 2011

Three years ago today, I stood in the pulpit of the small, United Methodist church I had been serving for the past two years, and announced that after that day, I would not be their pastor. I had been planning to move to a new appointment at the end of June (in the United Methodist Church, pastoral appointments are made from July 1 to June 30), but had made the difficult decision to take a leave of absence, effective immediately, because things with the congregation had gotten so bad that I feared for my emotional and spiritual health, and that of my family. I had my District Superintendent's (the pastor who supervises all the pastors in an area) full support and my husband's support, but it was, and still is, the hardest decision I've ever made. However, the six months prior to my departure, during which I had received countless emotional and spiritual wounds (and, to be honest, I had probably wounded people, too), had been the worst of my life, and I do not make that statement lightly. I hoped that removing me from that situation would allow myself, my family, and the congregation, to begin healing. And indeed, the healing process did begin for all of us involved. We moved here to C_________, I worked as a chaplain and focused on my family, I gave birth to our second child, and I was able to process and grieve and think through some of what I had experienced. However, what I didn't realize was how difficult the healing process would be and how long it would take. In some ways, healing from the wounds I received was a more painful process, emotionally and spiritually, than the wounds themselves. It involved forgiving people in the congregation, forgiving myself, forgiving the church as an institution, asking God to forgive me…and even, as incredibly backward as this sounds…forgiving God and renewing that relationship. The healing process took a long time: as I mentioned, it was three years ago that I left that congregation, and it's only been in the last few months that I've been able to declare myself fully healed from that experience.

I'm not going to go into any more detail about either my experience as a pastor or my healing process for two reasons. First, it would take far too long; we’d be here until 9:30 or 10:00, and you all have better things to do. If you're really dying to hear my story, give me a call, shoot me an e-mail, and I'll happily share it with you. We can get together and I'll tell you the whole story. Second, I'm not going into detail because this service is not about me: it's about all of us, and most importantly, it's about our God, whose healing love, grace, power, and presence in the world is the reason we're here tonight.

I shared my own experience with you for one main reason: because you don’t know me very well, and I want you to know that as I use the terms “we” and “us”, as I talk about wounds and healing and hope, and as I share good news, that I have experienced wounds and needed God’s healing, too. It helps to know that the person giving you good news has “been there” in a manner of speaking.

The apostle Paul found himself in a similar situation when he wrote the letter to the Roman church. We see it in the book of Romans, which is in the New Testament. Paul had never visited this church, so while they were surely familiar with him, they had never met him and only knew him by reputation. However, since Paul was probably a household name in the first-century Christian world, the Romans probably had heard a decent amount about him. This passage I’m about to read comes from Romans 8:35-39:

Romans 8:35 -39⁵ Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ³⁶ As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered." ³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The apostle Paul, who wrote the passage I just read, had experienced, or would experience, every situation mentioned in verse 35: he had been beaten, he had been imprisoned, he had been stranded on an island, and he would lose his life by being beheaded for his faith in Jesus. Paul endured incredible persecution; his life had been extremely difficult since becoming a Christian, and the Romans knew it. So, when they read these verses about nothing being able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord, the message rang true. If Paul, who had endured so much suffering in his life, could believe and proclaim such assurance and faith, so could they, even as they endured hardships and trials and persecution and even as they were wounded emotionally, physically and spiritually.

We are here because we are a broken people who live in a broken world, and we have wounds that are hurting us, and we need healing. Whatever those wounds may be: physical, emotional, spiritual, or a combination, we come here because we need the healing that only God can provide.

Healing can take a very long time…it can be a long process, with two steps forward and one step back, or even one step forward and two steps back. There can be periods of time when it seems like no progress is being made, and then periods of time when it seems total healing is just around the corner. It can take months. It can take years. It can even take a lifetime. And it can be frustrating, infuriating, agonizing, painful…any or all of the above. I can speak from my own experience that when we are in the midst of suffering and when we are healing from our wounds, it can be hard to believe that God loves us, that God is present with us, that God is not punishing us. Sometimes these feelings come from others, who hint that we’re “getting what we deserve”, that this ordeal is “God’s way of teaching us a lesson or making us stronger”. Sometimes these feelings come from inside of us, from our own sense of unworthiness, our own frustration with our prayer life, our feeling that God is distant, and our fear that we’re not doing something “right.”

This passage I just read from Romans 8 speaks to those feelings in a real and powerful way. It says that nothing and no one can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord…not the forces of darkness, not physical suffering, not unemployment, not poverty, not anything we do, or anything anyone else does to us, not the future and not the past…not even death can separate us from God’s love. We can be assured that no matter what we are going through, what suffering we are enduring, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual, that God is present with us, and will never leave us. In the midst of our struggles, in the midst of our pain, in the midst of our healing, that God’s love for us will never change, that God will always be present with us, God will always work in our lives, and that God will never give up on us or stop loving us. That is good news indeed.

Book Recommendations

2011-04-19T08:16:00.001-04:00

I've started reading non-fiction, pastor-type books again, in preparation for the Great Comeback (aka my return to being Pastor Patti).

I'm currently reading: Culture Making by Andy Crouch, A Failure of Nerve by Edwin Friedman, and will soon start on The Apostolic Congregation by George Hunter. Click on the title to go to the Amazon page for each book.

Once those are done, what else should I read? I'm especially seeking books that are good for a "sort of" new pastor.

Head, Heart, and the Balance Between the Two

2011-04-02T18:37:00.001-04:00

General update: When I talked to Mac last Saturday, he pointed out that both Matt and I are fairly new to the church (within the past five years, which is new for a 230-year-old church) and he wasn't sure that dynamic was a good idea for a six-million-dollar campaign. I agreed, so I told Matt to find someone else, and he picked someone who I think is PERFECT and a much better choice than me. So, that's that. I will, however, be helping with the campaign.

During my CPE residency, one of my biggest self-realizations was how my self-confidence (or lack thereof) affects my concept of my own authority and the way I relate to others, especially those I view as being in positions of authority. In other words, I have trouble seeing myself as an authority figure and tend to have trouble "pushing back", and sometimes even just being myself, with people who I view as authority figures. In the hospital setting, I've gotten over this to a good extent, and can now "push back" with nurses and even doctors when necessary. However, I still run into this issue in other areas of my life...as I realized last week.

Last Wednesday, I met with Mac in his office. I had asked to meet so he could give me feedback on the sermon I preached on Ash Wednesday. I did get that (he basically thought it was fine, called it "tight", and said he had received a lot of positive comments on it), but we spent at least an hour talking about other things. He asked for my impressions of the church so far, and then asked me if I had any questions...particularly about the church or even about him. Golden opportunity, because I did/still do have questions. And...I sort of froze. Instead of asking the insightful questions that have been in my mind (like how he first received a call to ministry, how he prepares these amazingly creative sermons and worship services, or even mundane stuff like if he has any pets or what he does on his day off, and mentioning some of my pet peeves about the church), I...honestly don't even remember what I asked him, except for one: what his wife does for a living. Way to go, Patti. Part of what happened stemmed from my having prepared myself to receive sermon feedback, and not much else. Another part of it stemmed from the fact that (as I realized later) even though Mac generously invited me into a collegial moment and was treating me as an equal, I couldn't see myself in that light, and was therefore giving myself an internal inferiority complex.

My heart was touched and gratified that Mac was willing to be so collegial with me, but my head was telling me something else entirely...that I wasn't worthy, that any questions I asked would be stupid, and who knows what else my subconscious was thinking. Sort of silly, but it stems from my self-confidence being somewhere in the basement due to my SJ experience. I have trouble stating my gifts for parish ministry because I still have trouble believing that I am, indeed, called to be a pastor.

Keep in mind that this is all "me", and has nothing to do with Mac. He's been great, and I am very thankful that God sent me to this church and put him in my life. Of course he's not perfect (I threatened to beat him with a wet noodle last week when he took several days to respond to a voice mail, and his sermons run too long, and...), but overall, he's pretty awesome. I just need to be more confident about who God created me to be, confident about the gifts God has given me, and be myself in my conversations with Mac.

I hope all of that made sense.

Trying to Process

2011-03-24T19:56:00.001-04:00

Just a bit of background: Mac graciously put me on the Church Council for some unknown reason (probably so I could keep my feet wet and increase my involvement, but I'm not sure). Basically, everyone who is on the Church Council is also on the Finance Committee, so I've been attending meetings for both groups.

OGUMC is currently experiencing a wee bit of a financial crunch (that's sort of an understatement). We have a large debt on our new (less than five years old) building, giving is down because of the economy, and we're not even close to making our budget. Therefore, we've been thinking of both long-term and short-term ways to stabilize our finances.

We decided to begin an endowment fund. About three weeks ago, the Finance Chair (who I will call Matt) asked me to be in charge of this endeavor. I prayed about it, and agreed to do it, despite having very little financial background. After all, I really just need to be a leader, organizer, and motivator, and I can do all of those well. There are other people on the committee who have financial background. The endowment fund has been sort of placed on the back burner (in the sense that we'll establish it this summer and begin advertising it this fall) for something else...

On the short-term side of things, we decided to do a capital campaign for debt reduction. The ten-week campaign begins in a few weeks, and the pledges will be over three years. We're hiring an outside consultant and hoping fervently that this campaign raises enough money for us to seriously reduce our mortgage and put us in a more financially secure position with our bank.

It's expected that as a key leader in the church, I will have some significant involvement in the capital campaign. However, I was blown away when my casual e-mail to Matt along the lines of, "hey, let me know how I can help" was answered with, "how about being my co-chair?" I told him that I needed 48 hours to think/pray about it.

I really like Matt, and I think that we work well together. I am fairly sure that Mac (who is one of the most permission-giving pastors I've ever known) will be fine with it, but I'm probably going to call him tomorrow just to check. It would be a lot of work, and I need to put some serious prayer into it.

But, it would be good experience, and I could certainly bring a spiritual/inspirational aspect to it that someone else might not. I'm good with people, organized when I want to be, and I have time during the day.

I just need to discern whether this is something that God wants me to do, or whether I just want to be needed and busy.

Prayers and insight appreciated, as always.

Moot

2011-03-24T14:43:00.001-04:00

Today, I received a very nice letter from the company with whom I interviewed. They offered the position to someone else. I'm totally fine with that. One less agonizing decision for me to make.

I guess God really wants me to be a pastor, huh?

Out of the Blue

2011-03-17T08:22:00.001-04:00

Over four months ago (before I made up with God, before I preached in January, before I decided to return to being a pastor), I applied for a position as a "Family Support Coordinator" for a company that deals with organ donation. I never heard back from them, so assumed I just wasn't picked for the position. Life went on, and I forgot about it.

About three weeks ago, I received a phone call from someone in this company. They were wondering if I was still interested in the position, and gave me some details. I asked for a few days to think about it, then called them back and told them I was still interested. We scheduled an interview, but Walter got sick the day of the interview, so I had to cancel. I figured that was it, that they would totally write me off. Two days later, they called me back to reschedule. I was blown away by that, and we set up another interview. The interview was a week ago today. It went well, and they told me it would be a few more weeks before I heard anything. I think I'm a fairly strong candidate, so we shall see.

However, I'm really not thinking that I will/should accept the position if it's offered. Sure, it would be an exciting job and I think I'd be good at it. And the pay should be very good (including overtime) and the benefits are great. They'd give me a Blackberry, a laptop, pay for my internet access at home, and reimburse me for travel expenses. But...there are a lot of drawbacks. First, it's an entirely secular position, and it's highly possible that it would in no way qualify as an "extension ministry" position. Second, the hours are very erratic and long. I could easily be working 60-70 hours a week, and be gone from my family for up to 24 hours at a time (helping to facilitate the organ donation process). Third, the first four to six months of the position are "training", and they told me that I'll essentially be working all the time during my training. Fourth, the above schedule means that my involvement at OGUMC would have to be seriously cut back.

Honestly? The money and the thought of not having to submit to the itinerant system are the only reasons I'm even considering it. If I'm going to be spending 60 hours a week someplace, I'd rather it be as a church pastor. And why on earth would God bring me to the place I am now, with a deepening spiritual life and passion for ministry, only for me to wind up in a position that restricts continued growth in those areas? And then there's the fact that if I took this position, I might have to surrender my credentials if it's not considered a valid extension ministry (and since the company and position are entirely secular, that's a strong possibility).

So, my current instinct is to turn down this position if they offer it to me. But it could be very difficult to do so, especially if the pay winds up being really really good. So, I'm asking you to pray for wisdom and peace of mind for me.

What are your thoughts?

Tuesday Thoughts

2011-03-15T09:46:00.001-04:00

Just a few random updates and thoughts:

There's been a surprising lack of comments on my past few posts. Are you all busy? Or are my posts simply boring?
I preached on Ash Wednesday (it sort of happened by accident, I think. Our worship person put me on the schedule, and when Mac found out, he simply let it stay that way. Nice of him, wasn't it?). Mac was there, so he served as the liturgist and I was the preacher. I think it went well, although I have yet to hear any feedback from him.
Have I mentioned how much I hate the comment "nice sermon" or "enjoyed your sermon"? That tells me NOTHING about how effective the sermon was.
Both Walter and Nora have been sick a lot over the past couple months. I have visited the pediatrician's office SIX TIMES in the past seven weeks. We've had two cases of strep, three ear infections, and a well-child visit. Then last week, Harry got a case of food poisoning. As he was recovering from that, he and the kids came down with colds. His turned into a sinus infection. I have been the only healthy member of the family.
I continue to get more involved at OGUMC. I've now been tapped to form and lead the Endowment Committee and accompanying fund. I have no experience doing this sort of thing, but it should be interesting.
We're doing Richard Stearns' The Hole in Our Gospel as a church-wide study for Lent. It's a very, very powerful book. I highly recommend it.
I gave up Facebook and Twitter for Lent. It's hard.

What's up with you?

Sermon For Ash Wednesday

2011-03-09T18:07:00.005-05:00

Rev. Patti W&H

Ash Wednesday

OGUMC

March 9, 2011

Joel 2:1-2, 12-17

“There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus”

-Blaise Pascal

“A Matter of Heart”

There is a man named Blaise Pascal who lived over 400 years ago. He was a Frenchman and an absolutely brilliant mathematician whose ideas are respected and studied today. Pascal was also a faithful Christian. Like many of us, he grew up in a Christian home, and like many of us who grew up in the church, in Christian homes, his faith was mostly intellectual. Pascal believed in God and probably even went to church on a regular basis, but there was very little connection between his faith and his day-to-day life. Many of us can identify with that: we come to church each week, we sing the songs, we pray the prayers, we hear the sermons, we go to Sunday School, we go to meetings…but most of what we hear and experience remains in our heads, and doesn’t make our way to our hearts. We are not changed, our lives are not changed.

That was certainly true for Blaise Pascal, until 1654, when, at the age of 31, Pascal was thrown from his horse and into the roadway. He took that experience as a warning from God to change his life and his priorities, and later that night he experienced God’s love and grace in a powerful way. From that moment, Pascal fell in love with God and his relationship with God took precedence over everything else, including his passion for mathematics. His heart was changed, and therefore his life was changed. He began giving sacrificially to help the poor and he published several writings about the Christian faith. Many of us know Pascal for a certain quote that is attributed to him: “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.” In other words, we all have a God-shaped hole in our hearts, and spend our lives seeking ways to fill that hole, but the only way to fill that hole is by letting God into our hearts and letting God change our hearts and our lives.

As I reflected on the story of Blaise Pascal, I was reminded of today’s Old Testament lesson. It’s from the book of Joel, towards the end of the Old Testament. Joel was a prophet, which means that he shared God’s messages, God’s truth, with the people of Israel. In this particular passage, Joel is warning the Israelites that the day of the Lord, the day of God’s judgment is coming, and it is not a day to look forward to: darkness, gloom, a powerful army marching on God’s people. Blow the trumpet and sound the alarm, because Doomsday is just around the corner. It’s the sort of announcement that shakes us to our core, and causes us to wonder, “is there anything we can do to prepare ourselves?”

Joel answers that question with a resounding yes. The answer is to repent, to return to God with all our hearts, with the traditional signs of repentance: fasting (refraining from certain activities), weeping (deep emotion), and mourning (deep sadness over loss). We repent when we make a spiritual U-turn: when we turn around and head towards God instead of away from God. It’s what we’re doing when we confess our sins to God. But it goes deeper than external activities, because we are to return to God with all our hearts, by “rending our hearts but not our garments”; in Biblical times, it was traditional to show repentance or mourning by tearing a hole in your garment, right in the area of the heart; sort of like this (Patti rips hole in shirt). Rending our hearts is a totally different ballgame: instead of ripping a hole in fabric, we are ripping a hole in our heart, a muscle, a vital organ, possibly the most vital organ in our body. Ripping a hole in clothing is a symbolic gesture: ripping a hole in our heart is the real deal; it’s a total life change. We are opening our hearts to God, and inviting God to come and change our hearts, and our lives. That tends to make us a little bit uncomfortable, because a heart opened up to God is a heart that is willing to love who God loves and follow where God leads, even though we will move outside of our comfort zone, even though we will experience pain, even though we will experience great and scary change in our lives. Bob Pierce, the founder of World Vision, once said, “let my heart be broken by the things that break God’s heart.” A changed heart sees people through God’s eyes and sees the world through God’s eyes, and sometimes what God sees in this world is heart-breaking. When our hearts are changed by God, when our hearts are broken by what breaks God’s heart, our lives are transformed so that we, as individuals and as a community, look and act more like Jesus every day, so that we can be God’s agents of change in the world.

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of our Lenten journey. At the beginning of this service, we all wrote a commitment down on a slip of paper. Maybe it was to give something up for the next forty days, maybe it was to take something on for the next forty days, maybe it was for both. In a few minutes, the ashes from those commitments will be placed on our foreheads, in the shape of a cross. We will hear the words, “from dust you are made, and to dust you shall return.” Those words and this day remind us of our place in this world. They remind us that God is God, and we are not God, that we are mortal. That someday, the things of this world will pass away, and all that will be left will be our relationship with God, as individuals and as a community, and the fruits of that relationship. As we already know, it is so easy to simply go through the motions of our spiritual life, even to go through the motions of Lent. It is easy to fill that God-shaped hole in our hearts with distractions of this world: possessions, activities, friends, family, and even ministry. Yes, even ministry can distract us from our relationship with God. This Lent, as we journey towards the cross and journey towards Easter, let’s make it our goal as individuals and as a community to engage in self-reflection, to examine what might be keeping us from a deeper relationship with God, what we might be using to fill that hole in our heart that only God can fill. Let’s make room in our hearts for God to come in and change our hearts and change our lives so we can change our world with God’s love. Safiya Fousa, who is part of the General Board of Discipleship of the United Methodist Church, describes today this way: The gift of the day is personal reflection, a season of confession, and change. Start the arduous journey from shadow to substance, from ritual to reality, from façade to faith. Today, choose the harder course. It is easier to buy new clothing than to mend a soul.

It is easier to buy new clothing than to mend a soul. Today we begin a journey, lasting forty days, that gives us the opportunity to walk with Jesus to the foot of the cross and be transformed forever by His love and grace. It’s a long journey, a painful journey, but a journey that we do not go on alone. We are surrounded not only by God’s love and grace and promise to never leave us or forsake us, but also by each other. We are on this journey with others who are rending their hearts, who are creating space for God, who are allowing God to change their hearts and lives.

We will leave this place with our foreheads marked with a sign of repentance. Let us also leave here having opened our hearts to God, and invited God in to enlarge our hearts, to change our hearts, and to change us, so that this Lent, we can be transformed as individuals and as a church community, so others will see God in our midst and be changed as well.

I'm Exhausted

2011-02-14T20:35:00.001-05:00

Physically...because even at one year old, Walter still does not sleep through the night on a consistent basis. Yes, we've tried sleep training. No, it didn't really work. Also, I'm on call every Monday night and every Saturday night, and the pager has been really really busy. I don't remember the last time I went a night without a call. Good for the bank account, but bad for my body and sleep needs.

Emotionally...because all this healing/growth crap is really wearing me out. I feel like I'm constantly having to do CPE with myself. There's also the fact that I have two young children, and Nora is a very engaging, playful child...who WEARS ME OUT. Oh yeah, and then there's the emotional roller coaster I've been on over the past year with my mother's breast cancer (good news: she should be in remission, but we'll know for sure on March 1).

Spiritually...because right now, I feel like God is a coach who keeps asking me to "step it up" to the next level. Just when I get to a point of surrender and think that I can rest for a while, some new nudging/revelation happens.

Sadism, Masochism, and Homiletical Brilliance, Oh My

2011-02-13T14:42:00.001-05:00

I was tempted, so tempted, to stomp up to Mac this morning after worship, bop him over the head with my bulletin, and call him a sadist while also proclaiming him to be possibly the most effective preacher that I have ever experienced.*

Ahem. However, I did not do that. There were two reasons, really. First, I really didn't know how he'd respond to that sort of comment and the bopping over the head action. Second, I just don't have the personality to engineer that sort of confrontation. Instead, I settled for a LOOK as passed him in the hallway, told him that Wesley would have really liked that sermon, that I would like it as soon as I processed it, and that I was in tears for most of the sermon. Then I said, "hope you have a good week" and sincerely meant it.

So, today God graduated to a Mack truck from a 2x4. I began crying about two sentences into the sermon, had a few moments of respite, but cried through most of it. Seriously, it was like Mac was preaching JUST TO ME, even though I know that's not true, because there are 350 other people who hear his sermons every week.

There are things I realized during that sermon (which was on Matthew 5:21-37) that are largely non-bloggable, so I'm not going to be able to share my specific revelations. Suffice it to say, it carried me even further on the journey to complete healing.

*I mean that from a subjective point of view, in the sense that no other preacher's sermons have elicited the sort of visceral reactions in me that Mac's sermons do. However, if I were to evaluate them from a completely objective point of view, I wouldn't think they were that great. Make sense?

Open Heart Surgery...Without the Anesthesia

2011-02-07T20:35:00.001-05:00

When I was in seminary, a lot of people referred to the process of major spiritual change as "open heart surgery without the anesthesia." As in, God replacing our old heart with a new one, without the benefit of pain medication. It's a hard and painful process, but very worth it in the end.

That's what I'm going through right now...for the first time since seminary. It's part of my healing process, and it's gratifying to know that by embracing the pain and following God's will for my life, I am speeding the healing process along.

I met with Mac this morning, and it went really well. I told him the gist of my parish experience and the struggles and healing I've experienced since then. He listened, offered some helpful feedback, and prayed with me. No miraculous sense of peace, but a strong sense that I am where I need to be and am doing what I need to be doing. And also a strong sense of gratitude that God led me to this church, and to have Mac as my pastor, whether that be for the next four months or 16 months. He doesn't know if he's moving or not, but should know in the next few weeks. For my sake, I hope he doesn't (a new pastor might be a wild card where I am concerned: he/she could be very supportive or be threatened by my presence), but of course most of all I want God's will to be done, and that would be what is best for the congregation, for Mac and his family, and for the annual conference. We shall see what happens.

I don't think that the God 2 x 4's that I've been receiving via Mac's sermons will end anytime soon. That's OK. I'm willing to endure 4-16 months of 2x4's if they will lead me to full healing.

On Being Transparent

2011-02-05T19:21:00.001-05:00

In terms of the healing thing...I'm almost there. I was doing great until I made the mistake of checking Facebook of Wednesday night, after I posted the last blog entry. The Board of Ordained Ministry met this week and a number of my clergy colleagues (who I was commissioned with in 2007) were joyfully announcing the good news of their impending ordination. A bunch were ordained last year, but this represents the bulk of the rest of my class of provisional elders (some were deferred last year, and approved this year). I am so, so happy for them. I really am. I'm proud of all the work they've done to get this far, the fruit that God is bearing in their lives, and will proudly stand up for them as they're being ordained in June (whether I'm at Annual Conference or watching on the computer via live streaming video), just as I did for the first batch last year.

But, it hurts just a little bit to be left behind and to not be where I thought I would be at this point. Sure, I believe I'm where I need to be right now, and I know that God is working in my life, blah, blah. But there are days when I wonder when it will be my turn to go before the Board (I have two more years of full-time service before I can even apply for ordination), to get that phone call, to be elected as an elder in full connection, to place my hands on the Bible and have the Bishop ordain me, and to feel that stole go around my neck for the first time.

On Friday, I finally broke down, called Mac, and told him I wanted to meet with him. I'm coming into the office on Monday morning, after I drop Nora off at preschool (which is at our church). We should have almost an hour to talk, and I plan on at least sharing some of the pain, victories, and healing of the past four years or so. And then...I don't know. I'm hoping that sharing it with him, and praying about it with him, will help bring some closure and healing. At the very least, he'll know more of my story. And maybe I'll know more of his, too.

And maybe, if I'm really lucky...he'll tell me if he's moving in June or not.

Thank God Almighty, I'm Free At Last...

2011-02-02T23:06:00.001-05:00

Oh my gosh, y'all, there are no words to adequately describe what I'm experiencing and feeling right now.

Well, yes, there is one word: PEACE.

After almost three years, one CPE residency, a year with a pastoral counselor, two years of blogging, and countless crying bouts and prayers, I think I may have reached the point of true healing from not just SJ, but all the turmoil of the last few years.

I helped Mac (my pastor) out at the healing service tonight. It was wonderful, really. I did wear the robe, incidentally. Mac also gave me the impression that he might let me do it solo sometime, which would be cool.

Speaking of Mac, he had better be glad that I have five units of CPE and a well-developed ability to compartmentalize my emotions, be a non-anxious presence, etc. Because if I didn't? I would have been a crying heap on the sanctuary floor, and no use to him at all.

He preached on the 8th chapter of Mark, on the passage where it takes Jesus two tries to heal the blind man. The first try sort of works, but not really. It’s the second try that does the trick. And I don’t remember much about the sermon, just that I got this warm, fuzzy, I’m-gonna-cry feeling and it felt like Mac was preaching JUST FOR ME. Except there were 30 other people in the room, too.

And then…there was Communion. I don’t think I’ve served Communion since my last Sunday at SJ. I’m not talking about being the celebrant: I mean even handling the elements. And the sanctuary at OG is so much like SJ’s. And the congregation reminds of SJ…in the best possible way. Sort of like how things COULD have been.

So, the service ended, Mac thanked me, I thanked him for letting me help, I took off my robe, and went home. He was still talking to some people, and I a) wanted to get home and b) figured that he would want to get home.

But now…I can’t sleep. It’s a good thing. I feel peaceful, so much so that I’m still in tears. I don’t know the last time I felt this good. Maybe I just want to treasure it for a while?

Maybe I should change the name of this blog to “Wounded and Healed”?

To Robe or Not to Robe, That is the Question

2011-02-01T11:14:00.001-05:00

Our Congregational Care staff person called me yesterday to see if I could help with tomorrow's healing service (we have a healing service once a month with Communion and anointing oil). She normally helps serve Communion, but can't because she broke her wrist. I just talked to my pastor, and am pretty excited about it. He's preaching, and my main role will be to serve Communion, while he prays with and anoints anyone who stays behind after taking Communion. I may assist with some other part of the service, too. I haven't seen a bulletin, yet.

I'm deciding whether or not to wear a robe. He mentioned that I could, then mentioned that P (the normal staff person who helps him) always just wears street clothes (she's a lay person), but then said, "if you want to robe, that's great, if you don't, that's fine, too." It sounds like he's really OK with either option, so I'm deciding what I want to do. Any thoughts?

I haven't heard about the chaplain job, so I'm assuming I didn't get it. That's fine, really. Harry and I talked about it on Friday night, and we both felt that it just might not be the "right fit" for our family. For starters, I would have needed to find childcare for both kids, one day a week. Do you know how difficult it would be to find an affordable option?

Oh, and in other news, I'm officially on the schedule to preach at our regular Wednesday night service (the first Wednesday is a healing service, and Mac preaches. The other Wednesdays, our lay speakers and now me, take turns preaching.) and as a liturgist for the 8:15 service. Yay. My first Wednesday preaching is March 9, Ash Wednesday.

Should I Stay or Should I Go? Two Situations...

2011-01-26T21:56:00.001-05:00

I had an interview today for another PRN chaplain position. It's at the hospital where Walter was born, ten minutes from my house, five minutes from OGUMC, and the only independent hospital in the area (there are three hospital systems in the area, and every other hospital is a part of one of those systems). I applied for the position thinking I could have my cake and eat it, too (meaning that I could continue in my current position), but that's not going to be possible. In the interview, they told me that I would work one 8-hour shift a week and then be on call 2-3 nights a week. There's no way that I can do that AND continue in my current position.

I should know something by the end of the week. If they offer me the position, I'm still debating if I should take it or not. Yes, it would probably be more money (I imagine they would pay me more than my Catholic hospital does), it's much closer to home, and it's where most people in my church and community go for medical care. Plus, anytime my little brother has any seizures, he lands at this hospital. My potential boss seems very personable and the two chaplains in the department seem nice. I especially liked the one who I'd be working with the most.

On the other hand, I really enjoy working at a faith-based hospital and like and admire all the chaplains at MMC and DPMC, especially my boss and quasi-boss. My only reason for "looking" was a) to see if I could have my cake and eat it too and b) my current employer is transitioning to having more and more CPE students (residents and interns), so they will have less of a need for PRN chaplains.

Oh yeah, and I would somehow need to find day care for both kids, one day a week. And we just signed Nora up for five-day preschool beginning this fall. Hmmm...

So, I don't know...it could be a moot issue entirely if I don't get the position. But if I'm offered the position, then I'll need to make a decision fairly quickly. Do I stick with the known entity and the relationships I've built, or go with this new opportunity?

Prayers appreciated. Wisdom also appreciated.

In other news, I'm also deciding whether or not to attend Annual Conference (gathering of all the Methodists in Virginia) this year. The past two years, it's been held only 20 minutes from my home, so I've gone for at least a day (not for longer because of time off/childcare issues). However, this year it's on the other side of the state...almost five hours away. While technically I can stay with my mother-in-law for free, I would need to bring both kids with me, which isn't exactly relaxing. They may or may not have childcare during the daytime sessions (and oh my gosh, don't get me started on the lack of childcare at Annual Conference because I may BLOW A GASKET.), but if they do I will still have to pay a (fairly reasonable) daily fee. Then there's gas and food (my MIL doesn't cook. Her freezer is full of frozen dinners). Did I mention that since I'm on family leave, I get no financial assistance to attend this event (unlike those who are serving a church or in extension ministry)? The only reasons I want to go are: a) it's a great way to see people you never see and b) I might get to vote for delegates to General and Jurisdictional Conferences. But really, is it worth driving five hours with two young children and paying a couple hundred dollars (for food, gas, childcare)? I just don't know...but I'm leaning towards, "no."

Finance, Freedom, and Fear

2011-01-14T10:00:00.007-05:00

No, I still haven't gotten together with my pastor (I'll call him Mac. I am SO creative with my pseudonyms). I haven't called him, either. I'm actually thinking that I'll wait until after Monday night's Church Council meeting, because by that point I'll actually have a much better idea of the ministry needs of the church and where I might best "fit in." We also didn't make it to Sunday School, but not for lack of trying. We were all dressed and ready by 8:50, when Walter began screaming his little head off. Poor guy was tired and wanted a nap, so I put him in his crib. I then decided that Nora and I would go to Sunday School. Before I could put my coat on, both of my pagers (I have one for each hospital) started going off. Thankfully, I didn't have to go in for anything, but it was 9:30 by the time I finished dealing with everything. Maybe next Sunday? I'm hoping to transition Walter to a later nap, so that he can nap in the nursery and we can make it to Sunday School.

On Wednesday night, I went to a Finance Committee meeting. I was fairly anxious about it, because of my experience at SJ, where our Finance meetings were always unbelievably depressing. This one wasn't that depressing. Granted, there were serious and scary topics discussed (the congregation is feeling the effects of the economy, and their monthly mortgage payment is more than my annual salary was at SJ), but there was a "we're in this together" attitude and a "we're going to make it through this" attitude. There was fear present (understandable, since they're in a financial crunch), but I also sensed hope. And that meeting made me even more thankful that I am part of this congregation and gave me a stronger desire to serve them, even in a fairly limited capacity for now.

It's occurred to me that as non-appointed clergy in this congregation, I have a certain amount of freedom that I certainly won't have when I become Pastor Patti again. At OGUMC, I am not the pastor. That's Mac's job. I just get to be Patti. Sure, I may have the occasional opportunity to act in a pastoral capacity (preaching, teaching, visitation), but by and large, I will be interacting with the congregation as a fellow member (although I'm a member of the Annual Conference, not of the local congregation). That means that I can show my personality without fear of retribution, that I can crack jokes about only being at meetings so I can get out of the house and away from the kids, and that I can (as the opportunity arises) make friends with people, share my wounds, and receive healing.

I've found that as I do things for the first time in a while and/or since SJ (preaching, teaching, meetings), I have to face certain fears that I didn't know were still present. However, each time I face those fears and try to overcome them (by going to a meeting, by accepting a preaching engagement, by showing my personality), I find that old, painful memories are replaced with new, better experiences. I feel like my experience and image of the church is being slowly redeemed. Yay!

I just hope that OGUMC can handle my occasional snarky sense of humor.

Re-Entering

2011-01-07T21:07:00.003-05:00

I've been...out-of-sorts lately. Up in the air. Feeling tossed about. Yet, at the same time, feeling a spiritual peace and confidence that I haven't felt in years.

I know what God wants me to do, is calling me to do. I know that I want to do it. The "it", of course, is returning to the local church as a pastor. This is pretty amazing given that even three months ago I was actively looking for chaplain jobs and feeling pretty sure that I was going to make a career out of extension ministry.

Of course, three months ago I was still essentially giving God the cold shoulder and my spiritual antennae were fairly dull. These days, it seems that everywhere I go and everything I hear is pointing in the same direction: back to the local church, back to Pride Rock (see previous post). Even my pastor's sermons seem directed towards this, although I'm fairly certain that he's not preparing them going, "let's see, what pep talk can I give Patti this week? Screw the other 300+ people who'll be there, what does Patti need to hear?" But it FEELS that way sometimes.

Part 1 of my plan for becoming ready to be Pastor Patti again is to really and fully re-enter the church, specifically the congregation of which I am a part. We've sort of been pew-warmers for the past two-and-a-half years, and sometimes not even that (I can't tell you how many Sundays we missed when I was pregnant and Walter was a newborn). We haven't been part of a Sunday School class, we haven't been involved in ministries, we haven't really done anything beyond attending Sunday worship. I know, it's sad. I'm CLERGY, for crying out loud. It's just...sad.

So, this Sunday I'm bound and determined that we will make it to Sunday School and we will find a class to attend. It may take several weeks, but we will find a class/small group that we like. And we will attend it every week, along with worship. (Except, of course, on the Sundays when I have had a really rough night or receive a page after 7:00 a.m. Because, of course, I'm on call every Saturday night, from 9:00 pm to 10:30 am.)

Harry is gaining himself the reputation as Mr. Computer Fix-it in the church office. I'm sure he will find another niche for his (many) gifts. Our pastor (I don't know if I've mentioned this, but the more I get to know the guy, the more I like him. Not that I ever disliked him, but he's one of those people who's kind of hard to get to know. But he's an excellent preacher, apparently a good leader since he's been at this church for 11 years, and lest we forget HE LET ME PREACH.) has apparently put my name on several committees, including the Administrative Council. I may begin attending them in the near future, just for the opportunity to be a "fly on the wall" and learn from observation.

But first, before I attend any meetings, I'm going to do what I should have done months and months ago, perhaps even over a year ago: I am going to make an appointment with my pastor, sit down with him, and tell him my story in the most succinct manner possible. I will do that this week (you know, the week of the 9th). Or, at least MAKE the appointment, even if it winds up being next week.

And maybe after I spill my guts to him, he'll tell me if he's moving or not. Or, at least what the possibility is. (:

Can someone hold me accountable to the "meet with pastor" thing? Bug me until I say I've done it? Thanks.

Getting Ready to Return

2011-01-03T15:22:00.005-05:00

I've decided that my vocational mission this year is to get myself ready to return to full-time ministry by July 2012 (the United Methodist appointment year goes from July 1 to June 30). I want to be in the best shape possible in terms of spiritual health, emotional stability, and my confidence in my ability to effectively lead a congregation.

Over the past two-and-a-half years, I have reflected a lot on what I could have done differently in the Saint John's situation and what I will do differently when I return to being a pastor (note the use of the word "when". I'm now certain that it is a "when" and not an "if"). However, I've never actually put those thoughts and ideas in writing; they've just remained in my head. I think it's time to express them "out loud", so to speak.

Even if I were to begin a new appointment today, I know that things would be different. I am not the same naive 29-year-old who walked through the doors of Saint John's in 2006. Obviously, I'm not 29 any more. (: I also weigh about 20 lbs more than that woman and have some unsightly stretch marks. But there are deeper changes that aren't noticeable to the naked eye. I am far, far more realistic and pragmatic now than I was back then. I have an additional four units of Clinical Pastoral Education, and a pretty good handle on basic Family Systems theory. I am a stronger person, and am less "rocked" by the petty things in life. I have increased empathy for people and situations that are different from myself.

But, I'm still growing in my confidence and ability to lead/order the ministry of the church. I think my self-confidence was damaged enough that I need to spend some time developing relationships within the church, to regain my equilibrium in that area. I've still never done a traditional church funeral (remember, no one died while I was at Saint John's). I've also just begun to really re-involve myself in the local church. And then there's the matter of my relationship with God, which is being renewed after two years of negligence.

At the end of my CPE residency, I did a creative verbatim using scenes from "The Lion King" to illustrate my experience in the local church and healing afterward. This scene (click on the link to view it on YouTube) pretty much sums up my attitude in 2006; excited, but not having a clue about what I was walking into:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGaLVJ9U52I

When I do take another appointment, my attitude will be much more like Simba in this clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ea4uc_1VGSE
Informed by the past, confident in who I am, but most importantly, confident in the One who called me and who is saying, "Remember who you are."

I Should Have Known It Wasn't Nerves

2011-01-02T17:22:00.003-05:00

Everything went fine, thank you for the prayers. I had people seek me out and tell me how much they enjoyed the sermon, which says something, I think.

However, I threw up in between services, but thought it was just nerves (never mind that I NEVER throw up from nerves). I prayed that God would help me feel well enough to finish the service, in case it was something besides nerves.

God came through. Within an hour of coming home, I had thrown up again and was feeling chills and shakes.

Looks like I brought the Word...and maybe a touch of stomach flu to OGUMC.

Oh, and I got an honorarium! A very very very generous honorarium, too. I had thought I was doing this out of the goodness of my heart, so didn't expect the honorarium.

Just Like Riding a Bike, My Foot!

2011-01-01T19:59:00.003-05:00

I am so incredibly nervous and wound up about tomorrow. I've been trying to channel my anxiety through preparation, but there comes a time when there's not much more that I can do. Or rather, if I prepared any more it might just make things worse.

Part of me wanted to preach this sermon without notes, but I don't know if that will happen. It depends upon how nervous I am. I am a believer in preaching without notes, and feel that it is more effective than a manuscript. However, it's not very effective if you're stumbling through the sermon.

Why am I so nervous about something that I have done many times before? I did this every Sunday for almost two years. You'd think this was my first preaching engagement, ever!

Here are my thoughts:
-I haven't preached or led worship in 18 months. I'm sort of out of practice.
-I have NEVER preached or led worship in this setting...in this congregation. I've been attending the church for over a year, but there's a big difference between warming a pew and being up front.
-I was originally supposed to just preach at 11:00, but the person who was supposed to preach at the 8:15 service had a family emergency and had to go out of town. So, I'm preaching at both services. I've never even BEEN to the 8:15 service. I think the unknown is freaking me out.
-I've never preached in front of more than 60 people. The 8:15 service has approximately twice that attendance, and the 11:00 service has about 250 regular attenders. Yes, yes, audience of one, and all that...but it's still scary.
-I think that I'm way too focused on what others will think/how people will respond to me, to my leadership, to the sermon. I'm hoping some time in prayer will ease those thoughts.
-My last few preaching experiences weren't that great...in the sense that I didn't feel that I really did a great job. That affects my confidence.
-I'm pleased with this sermon...but not absolutely PASSIONATE about it. Maybe that will change once I get into the pulpit.

In other news, I had my meeting with my District Superintendent on Thursday. It went decently. We basically both decided that I need another year of leave before being totally ready to go back under appointment. My plan is to corral my pastor as soon as he returns from vacation, throw myself at his feet, and beg for ministry opportunities. I think it will work, because I am, after all, FREE. Who wouldn't want the services of a credentialed minister for FREE? Right? I'm crossing my fingers that he doesn't move this year, but am sensing that's a strong possibility. If he does move, that means that I'll have to establish a new relationship with the new pastor (not that my current pastor and I are BFFs or anything, but I certainly like him), and hope that he/she is receptive.

This didn't help as much as I thought it would. I'm going to go pray. And read the Bible. And pray again.

Can you please pray, too? Mostly for peace, and confidence, and that the Holy Spirit will speak through me.

Sermon for Epiphany Sunday

2010-12-31T11:57:00.007-05:00

This is it. I could tweak it some more, but I really would rather spend the time I have left preparing for the worship service and "getting into" the sermon than tweaking it. From the comments I've received (thanks, gang!) and from my own "gut feeling", I think it's pretty good work. Hopefully it will go over well.

Rev. W &H

OGUMC

Matthew 2:1-12

January 2, 2011

“What Gift Can We Bring?”

Three years ago, I was the pastor of a small, United Methodist congregation in Danville, Virginia. One of my members was a man named Homer. Homer was a “salt of the earth” kind of guy; the sort of person who would knock on the parsonage door and hand me a bag full of vegetables from his garden, the sort of person who had more spirituality in his pinky finger than I had in my whole body, the sort of person who everyone, family, friends, church members, and rookie pastors, admired and loved. That January, Homer had a rather severe heart attack. First he went to the local hospital, but after tests and consultations with physicians, he was transferred to Duke Medical Center, about 70 miles away. After a lot of discussions with surgeons and cardiologists, he and his family agreed that bypass surgery was his best chance for survival. The surgery was scheduled for the next morning, and his family called me that afternoon to let me know. I began making preparations to go down to Duke to be with Homer and to be with his family. I let my daughter’s day care provider know that I would be dropping her off as soon as the center opened at 6am, and made a “Plan B” in case I couldn’t be back by closing time at 6pm. I arranged for someone to come and let my dogs out in the middle of the day, because I knew I’d be gone a long time. I made sure that my daughter had enough bottles, diapers, and spare clothes to choke a horse. I laid out my clothes. I prayed. The next morning, I woke up at 4:30am. It was snowing in Danville and there was already a thin layer of snow on the ground. I got ready, got my daughter ready, dropped her off at daycare, and began my journey. It was snowing for the first 20 or so miles of my drive and raining for the last 50 or so miles. The main road between Danville and Durham is a two-lane country road and not a lot of fun to drive in early-morning January darkness, with bad weather on top of that. But I kept driving, determined to make it to Duke, determined to be there during Homer’s surgery.

What was propelling me down the road was not necessarily pastoral duty, although that was certainly a small aspect of it. After all, it’s part of the role of the pastor to be present in times of crisis, and I would have made that drive for anyone in my congregation. However, the reason I was determined to drive those 70 miles through snow, and rain, and darkness, the reason I was determined to make it down to Duke, was not a sense of duty, but a relationship with the man who, even as I was driving, was being prepped for a major and very risky surgery. Over the 18 months I had been his pastor, I had become very fond of Homer. He had opened his heart and his life to me, had taught me a great deal about life and faith and ministry, and was really a bright spot in what was a difficult time in my life and ministry. Homer had embraced me as his pastor despite my youth, despite my inexperience, and despite the mistakes I made as a result of both that youth and inexperience. He loved me in spite of all my faults and failings. And so I drove down to Duke in the snow, in the rain, in the darkness, found my way to the hospital, to the parking garage, and followed the maze of hallways to the surgical waiting area, where I found his family. Homer had already gone into surgery, and it would be another six hours before I would finally see him, still under anesthesia, his chest covered in bandages, and with tubes here and there and everywhere. But he was alive, and the surgeons had given his family hope that he would have a complete recovery. That news gave me joy, and my joy increased as I was able to relay the good news to the rest of my congregation and my joy made my return trip to Danville that much easier and so much quicker than my earlier trip. That day, a visit that had begun with a sense of duty, had become about a relationship and about a gift. My relationship with Homer was a gift from God, and my response to that gift from God was to drive down to Duke that yucky January morning, to offer my presence and prayers to his family as we waited for news of his surgery, to rejoice with them when the surgeon gave us good news, and to lead his family in a prayer of thanksgiving when we were finally allowed to be at his bedside. In essence, my response to the gift of Homer’s relationship with me was to offer myself, my time, my energy, my presence, and my prayers, to him, to his family, and ultimately, to God.

Christmas Day was just over a week ago, and in the church, we are at the tail end of the Christmas season. Today is what we call Epiphany Sunday, when we celebrate and remember the visit of the wise men to Jesus and his parents, a visit that also involved a journey, a relationship, and gifts. Listen to how the Gospel of Matthew tells the story:

[Patti reads Matthew 2:1-12]
The wise men were from the East, possibly from what is the modern-day nation of Iran. They had been watching the skies for a while-we don’t know how long-for a star that would signify the birth of a baby who would be known as king of the Jews. As soon as they saw this star appear, they gathered provisions, packed their bags and their camels, acquired their gifts, and set out on their journey, heading west, following the bright star they saw. It was a very long journey, a journey of several hundred miles, a journey most likely done on foot or maybe on camel. It was also likely a journey whose purpose initially was diplomatic: representatives from one kingdom visiting the newly-born ruler of another kingdom. The wise men went first to Jerusalem, because it was the capital city, because this baby was supposed to be a king, and royalty and rulers almost always live in capital cities. And they did encounter a king. They encountered Herod, who was the political leader of the Jewish people, and who directed the wise men to Bethlehem, where prophets had said that Jesus would be born. Herod deviously made them promise to return to him and tell him exactly where Jesus was, so that he “could come and worship” this new Messiah. In reality, Herod was threatened by reports of this new king, and had no intention of worshipping Jesus. Whether the wise men realized Herod’s false pretenses at the time, we do not know. We know that they continued to Bethlehem, that they followed the star until it stopped at their destination.

Finally, after months of travel, after being guided only by a star and ancient writings, the wise men arrived at their destination, at the home of Joseph, and Mary, and Jesus. And their response, according to the writer of Matthew, was threefold. First, they were overcome with joy as soon as they realized that they had finally arrived at their destination. They hadn’t even seen Jesus yet, but they were overcome with joy. The Greek word that’s used in this verse indicates a joy that is God-given, a joy that is transformational, a joy that indicates some sort of deep connection with God. Second, when they entered the home and saw Jesus with Mary, they knelt and worshipped him. The verse doesn’t say that they talked about how cute Jesus was, admired Jesus, or even simply revered him as a king. The verse says that the wise men worshipped him. They saw Jesus for who he was: the Messiah, God in human flesh, the savior of the world. Third and finally, they offered him three gifts: gold, frankincense, and myrrh. These gifts show us that the wise men knew that this child was not just any king, that he was special. We don’t know how long they stayed with Jesus and his parents, only that it was probably at least overnight, because it was in a dream that God warned them not to return to Herod, but to go home a different route. God spoke, the wise men listened, and they returned home by another route. We hear nothing about them for the rest of the New Testament, but one thing is clear from this passage: that the wise men’s visit to Jesus brought forth a transformation within themselves and the clearest evidence of that transformation is found in their worship of Jesus and their obedience of God’s warning. It indicates a relationship and a response as a result of that relationship. They came bearing gifts, and they received an even greater gift in return.

What made me drive 70 miles in cruddy weather to wait and pray with a family? A relationship, the gift I received from that relationship, and my desire to give the gift of myself in return. What made the wise men travel hundreds of miles to come and worship Jesus? A relationship, the desire to offer the tangible gifts they had brought and the intangible gifts of their worship to the one true king.

We’ve talked a lot about Christmas over the past few weeks. Christmas is all about a relationship...what God gives to us, what we give to God in response. Not about duty, but about a relationship. That is the heart of Christmas, the heart of the Gospel...a God who loves us enough to come down and live among us, to be human like us, and to eventually die for us. That is the true and most important gift of Christmas. God gave us the gift of God’s Son at Christmas. What’s our response? What gift can we give in return for all that God has done for us?

[Play video]

Look! It's a Sermon! Read it! Critique It! Please!

2010-12-29T22:22:00.007-05:00

Rev. Patti W &H

OGUMC

Epiphany Sunday

January 2, 2011

“What Gift Can We Bring?”

Three years ago, I was the pastor of a small, United Methodist congregation in Danville, Virginia. One of my most faithful members was a man named Homer. Homer was a “salt of the earth” kind of guy; the sort of person who would knock on the parsonage door and hand me a bag full of vegetables from his garden, the sort of person who had more spirituality in his pinky finger than I had in my whole body, the sort of person who everyone, family, friends, church members, and rookie pastors, admired and loved. That January, Homer had a rather severe heart attack. First he went to the local hospital, but after tests and consultations with physicians, he was transferred to Duke Medical Center, about 70 miles away. After a lot of discussions with surgeons and cardiologists, and several days in the hospital, he and his family agreed that bypass surgery was his best chance for survival. The surgery was scheduled for the next morning, and his family called me that afternoon to let me know. I began making preparations to go down to Duke to be with the family, keeping in the back of my mind the possibility that this surgery might not go well. I let my daughter’s day care provider know that I would be dropping her off as soon as the center opened at 6am, and made a “Plan B” in case I couldn’t be back by closing time at 6pm. I arranged for someone to come and let my dogs out in the middle of the day, because I knew I’d be gone a long time. I made sure that my daughter had enough bottles, diapers, and spare clothes to choke a horse. I laid out my clothes. The next morning, I woke up at 4:30am. It was snowing in Danville and there was already a thin layer of snow on the ground. I got ready, got Susanna ready, dropped her off at daycare, and began my journey. It was snowing for the first 20 or so miles of my drive and raining for the last 50 or so miles. The main road between Danville and Durham is a two-lane country road and not a lot of fun to drive in bad weather, in early-morning January darkness. But I kept driving, determined to make it to Duke, determined to be there during Homer’s surgery.

What was propelling me down the road was not necessarily pastoral duty, although that was certainly a small aspect of it. After all, it’s part of the role of the pastor to be present in times of crisis, and I would have made that drive for anyone in my congregation. However, the reason I was compelled to drive those 70 miles through snow, and rain, and darkness, was not a sense of duty, but a relationship with the man who, even as I was driving, was being prepped for major surgery that would either save his life or end it. Over the 18 months I had been his pastor, I had become very fond of Homer. He had opened his heart and his life to me, had taught me a great deal about life and faith and ministry, and was really a bright spot in what was a difficult time in my life and ministry. Homer had embraced me as his pastor despite my youth, despite my inexperience, and despite the mistakes I made as a result of both. He loved me in spite of all my faults and failings. And so I drove down to Duke in the snow, in the rain, in the darkness, found my way to the hospital, to the parking garage, and followed the maze of hallways to the surgical waiting area, where I finally found his family. Homer had already gone into surgery, and it would be another six hours before I would finally see him, still under anesthesia, his chest covered in bandages, and with tubes everywhere. But he was alive, and the surgeons had given his family hope that he would have a complete recovery. That news gave me joy, and my joy increased as I was able to relay the good news to the rest of my congregation and made my return trip to Danville that much easier. That day, that visit that had begun with a sense of duty, had become about a relationship and about a gift. My relationship with Homer was a gift from God, and my response to that gift from God was to drive down to Duke that yucky January morning, to offer my presence and prayers to his family as we waited for news of his surgery, to rejoice with them when the surgeon gave us good news, and to lead his family in a prayer of thanksgiving when we were finally allowed to be at his bedside. In essence, my response to the gift of Homer’s relationship with me was to offer myself, my time, my energy, my presence, and my prayers, to him and his family.

The scripture for today, Matthew 2:1-12, tells about another journey, another gift, and another relationship. Listen to how Matthew tells the story:

In the time of King Herod, after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, wise men from the East came to Jerusalem, 2 asking, "Where is the child who has been born king of the Jews? For we observed his star at its rising, and have come to pay him homage." 3 When King Herod heard this, he was frightened, and all Jerusalem with him; 4 and calling together all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the Messiah was to be born. 5 They told him, "In Bethlehem of Judea; for so it has been written by the prophet: 6 'And you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are by no means least among the rulers of Judah; for from you shall come a ruler who is to shepherd my people Israel.'" 7 Then Herod secretly called for the wise men and learned from them the exact time when the star had appeared. 8 Then he sent them to Bethlehem, saying, "Go and search diligently for the child; and when you have found him, bring me word so that I may also go and pay him homage." 9 When they had heard the king, they set out; and there, ahead of them, went the star that they had seen at its rising, until it stopped over the place where the child was. 10 When they saw that the star had stopped, they were overwhelmed with joy. 11 On entering the house, they saw the child with Mary his mother; and they knelt down and paid him homage. Then, opening their treasure chests, they offered him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. 12 And having been warned in a dream not to return to Herod, they left for their own country by another road.

The wise men were from the East, possibly from what is the modern-day nation of Iran. They had been watching the skies for a while-we don’t know how long-for a star that would signify the birth of a baby who would be known as king of the Jews. As soon as they saw this star appear, they gathered provisions, packed their bags and their camels, acquired their gifts, and set out on their journey, heading west, following the bright star they saw.. It was a very long journey, a journey of several hundred miles, a journey most likely done on foot or maybe on camel, so it’s highly likely that the wise men did not arrive in Israel until several months, maybe even more than a year, after Jesus’ birth. It was also likely a journey whose purpose initially was diplomatic: representatives from one kingdom visiting the newly-born ruler of another kingdom. The wise men went first to Jerusalem, because it was the captial city, because this baby was supposed to be a king, and royalty and rulers almost always live in capitol cities. And they did encounter a king. They encountered Herod, who was the political leader of the Jewish people, and who directed the wise men to Bethlehem, where prophets had said that Jesus would be born. Herod deviously made them promise to return to him and tell him exactly where Jesus was, so that he “could come and worship” this new Messiah. In reality, Herod was threatened by reports of this new king, and had no intention of worshipping Jesus. Whether the wise men realized Herod’s false pretenses as the time, we do not know. We know that they continued to Bethlehem, that they followed the star until it stopped at their destination.

Finally, after months of travel, after being guided only by a star and ancient writings, the wise men arrived at their destination, at the home of Joseph, and Mary, and Jesus. And their response, according to the writer of Matthew, was threefold. First, they were overcome with joy as soon as they realized that they had finally arrived at their destination. They hadn’t even seen Jesus yet, but they were overcome with joy. The Greek word that’s used in this verse indicates a joy that is God-given, a joy that is transformational, a joy that indicates some sort of connection with God. Second, when they entered the home and saw Jesus with Mary, they knelt and worshipped him. The verse doesn’t say that they talked about about how cute Jesus was, admired Jesus, or even revered him as a king. The verse says that the wise men worshipped him. They saw Jesus for who he was: the Messiah, God in human flesh, the savior of the world. Third and finally, they offered him three gifts: gold (a traditional gift for a king), frankincense (a gift fit for a high priest), and myrrh (an ointment used to preserve bodies after death, because Jesus would die for the sins of the world). These gifts show us that the wise men knew that this child was not just any king. We don’t know how long they stayed with Jesus and his parents, only that it was probably at least overnight, because it was in a dream that God warned them not to return to Herod, but to go home a different route. God spoke, the wise men listened, and they returned home by another route. We hear nothing about them for the rest of the New Testament, but two things are clear from this passage: first, that their visit to Jesus brought forth responses from both Herod and from Jesus’ parents. Herod’s response is to feel frightened, to feel threatened that there might be a king out there more powerful and more popular than himself. Mary and Joseph’s response is less clear, but the mere fact that this story makes it into Matthew’s narrative points to the possibility that they shared the wise men’s visit with multiple people, perhaps even the author himself. The second thing that is clear from this passage is that the wise men’s visit to Jesus brought forth a transformation within themselves and the clearest evidence of that transformation is found in their worship of Jesus and their obedience of God’s warning. It indicates a relationship and a response as a result of that relationship. They came bearing gifts, and they received an even greater gift in return.

What made me drive 70 miles in cruddy weather to wait and pray with a family? A relationship, the gift I received from that relationship, and my desire to give the gift of myself in return. What made the wise men travel hundreds of miles to come and worship Jesus? A relationship, the desire to offer the tangible gifts they had brought and the intangible gifts of their worship to the one true king.

We’ve talked a lot about Christmas over the past few weeks. Christmas is all about a relationship...what God gives to us, what we give to Him in response. Not about duty, but about a relationship. That is the heart of Christmas, the heart of the Gospel...a God who loved us enough to come down and live among us, to be human like us. That is the true, and most important gift of Christmas. God gave us the gift of God’s Son at Christmas. What’s our response? What gift can we give in return? We can offer ourselves back to God.

[play video] http://www.sermonspice.com/product/29174/at-christmas

Argh...

2010-12-23T19:58:00.003-05:00

One week from today, I have a meeting with my District Superintendent. It means exactly what you think it means...that I'm trying to discern whether or not to seek an appointment this year. It's a God thing...and I would appreciate your prayers.

I'm working on the sermon for January 2, and hoping and praying that my pastor does indeed come through (as he said he would) with an e-mail about details for that Sunday. I'll breathe easier when that happens. But, if he doesn't for some reason (SIDE NOTE: I am notoriously bad about returning e-mails when I get busy/overwhelmed, and since people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, I tend to be fairly understanding) I have a Plan B for getting the information I need (it involves calling the church office on Monday and doing the legwork myself). I'll just feel better once I get the information.

And of course, I'm putting myself under all sorts of unnecessary pressure about this sermon. I realize how ridiculous it is, how I need to merely focus on being faithful to God, to the Word, to the process of preparation. However, I keep having this fear that I'm going to totally BOMB, and I want so much for this to go well, for it to be the kind of sermon that knocks peoples socks off. My plan is to send a CD of the worship service to my D.S., so I have this need/want for it to be the best sermon I've ever preached. It may not be, of course. I would, however, like for it to be good enough that the DS watches it and goes, "oh, well, she can preach, can't she" and that my pastor asks me to preach for him again.

I'm also working on an account of my time at Saint John's for the D.S. I'm on my third version, because I just can't keep it relatively brief and also complete.

And I just finished Christmas shopping today, and probably won the Worst Mother of the Day award at the pediatricians' office because Walter was crying the entire time (he wanted a nap and a bottle, but I had forgotten to bring a bottle) and he wasn't even the patient. Nora was the patient. She's fine; she might have a UTI but we're going to ride out the weekend and see what happens.

I'm hoping to finish the sermon in time to post it here for feedback. So, stay tuned.

Oh, and pray for me at 10am on the 30th, will you? Please? This sort of terrifies me.

On Self-Disclosure in the Church

2010-12-16T08:43:00.006-05:00

I'm a pretty open person. You can ask me almost anything and I will probably answer you fairly candidly. Naturally, I have my limits and certain things I only discuss with people I trust implicitly. However, in general I am very comfortable sharing my strengths and areas of growth, my triumphs and failures, and my thoughts on certain issues. I regularly post on Facebook and Twitter. I have a public blog. When I preach, I am very willing to use personal experiences as illustrations, although I make a general rule of not holding myself up as an example or sharing my failures in the pulpit, unless my congregation knows me fairly well.

While I don't expect this level of disclosure from everyone else, I feel that self-revelation is an important aspect of Christian community. How can we truly be the body of Christ if we are all virtually strangers? If we don't share our stories with each other? If our boundaries are so strict that there is a big "keep out" sign on our life? How can we love and support each other, and be united in working for the kingdom, if we don't know each other?

Keep in mind, I'm not talking about a "festival of over-sharing", or gossip, and I know that both can occur in congregations, and the former can lead to the latter and cause all sorts of problems. However, I do feel like the church should be the one place where we can be transparent, be ourselves, and admit our joys and struggles...and have people to either rejoice with us or pray with us and for us. But that's not going to happen unless we are willing to share, and unless we create an atmosphere that makes people feel like they are in a "safe place".

Part of the struggle I had in the local church (and will probably experience when/if I return) is finding the balance between appropriate self-disclosure and maintaining a professional demeanor. I think it's important that the congregation know part of my story, and that I share increasingly more with them the more we get to know each other. On the other hand, I also realize that I am functioning in a professional capacity, and they need to relate to me as such. That means they probably shouldn't be hearing about my struggles in my calling, marital issues, and my occasional anger at denominational officials. Right?

So, I guess I'm raising two issues here. First, what's an appropriate level of self-disclosure in the local church? How can we be examples of being transparent without compromising our role? Second, how do we create a culture of caring, of comfort, of sanctuary so that people will feel comfortable taking the risk of being transparent?

Place in This World...

2010-12-15T12:06:00.003-05:00

So. This song has been going through my head a lot recently. I think that in my case, it's more my place in the world of ministry that's up for grabs, so to speak. I'm discerning, and praying...I know I am called, and I have a niggling feeling to WHAT sort of ministry I am called, but part of me is very scared to take that leap of faith. What if I'm wrong? What if it doesn't pay off? Am I being genuinely cautious and discerning. or do I not have enough faith in God?

Well, Now I Feel Better...

2010-12-13T20:47:00.004-05:00

I made up with God today. After two-and-a-half years. It's not like I had stopped believing in Him (sorry, gender-neutral purists, I just feel more comfortable using the traditional language), or that I wasn't speaking to Him at all. It was more like I was giving him the cold shoulder, only speaking to say things like, "pass the salt" (or the theological equivalent).

About a year ago, I mentioned that I was angry with God. I thought admitting that would help me begin to work through the issues, but it really didn't. There were certainly moments when I felt God's presence and thanked Him (such as when Walter was born) and of course I prayed, both as a result of my vocation and for personal requests. But I was still keeping God on the outside (although that's pretty difficult to do, since God is omniscient and everything). My mom's cancer returning might have had something to do with my ambivalence, or maybe I was suffering from a "hard heart".

But things didn't get better. In fact, they seemed to get worse. I've felt like I've been in a fog since Nora was born, and it's gotten worse recently. I've been fairly snappish towards Harry and the kids, excessively anxious about things, and just generally depressed (and since I've been on antidepressants and ADD meds for nine years, that's something). I've been trying to figure out what to do with my vocation/family (I have to be ordained by 2015 or re-apply for provisional membership all. over. again) and wondering if I should try and be a pastor again or pursue chaplaincy full-time.

This preaching gig was probably what sent me over the edge. I'm excited, but anxious at the same time. I kept dealing with flashbacks to St. John's and struggling with those memories. I then got mad at myself that I'm still dealing with it over two years later. Shouldn't I be "over it" by now?

This morning, it was like a thunderbolt hit me out of the blue: I needed God back as more than a fair-weather friend, as more than a fixture on the mantle. So, I got home, put Walter down for his nap, and began looking for a Bible (of course, I have one on my iPhone and can access it on my laptop, but I wanted a hard copy in my hands). It took me 20 minutes to find a (non KJV) Bible, which is saying something about my level of spiritual vitality these days. Anywho, I found a Bible, opened it, and spent the next half hour or so in some QT with God. We talked, I apologized for ignoring Him, and I admitted that it's very possible that the Saint John's situation might have turned out better (or at least been less scarring for me) if I had indeed been having regular devotions/cultivating our Relationship.

It's amazing how well the rest of the day went. Nora did some of her same, annoying, three-year-old stuff, but it didn't bother me nearly as much. I was able to be patient and respond to her lovingly and (when necessary) firmly. When Harry walked through the door, I didn't feel like throwing the kids at him and running for the hills. We didn't snap at each other all evening. Finally, I'm feeling much more in control and less anxious about this preaching gig in 2 1/2 weeks. I'm still nervous, but I keep reminding myself that God has my back, and as long as I rely on His strength and not my own, I will be fine.

This probably sounds very unsophisticated and shallow, but it's heartfelt and since Harry is wanting to go to bed (the alarm goes off at 5:30am), I don't have much time.

One parting thought: all the time I was struggling, both during the SJ debacle and afterwards, not one of my clergy friends, lay Christian friends, or family members asked me, "how goes it with your soul?" Why is that? Why do we not ask each other the hard questions? True, I may have simply said, "Oh, it's fine." But, I may have been forced to look inward and make these realizations a lot sooner.

Part of Me is Saying, "Yay!" The other part, "Oh, Crap!"

2010-12-11T12:34:00.003-05:00

It's official: I'm preaching on January 2, at the 11am service. The one with an average attendance of 250.

I guess it's time to install BibleWorks on my laptop and dust off those commentaries.

It's been 16 months since I've preached.

I'm excited, but also scared. But if I had turned this down, I would have regretted it.

People, brace yourselves for sermon ideas, rough drafts, and the occasional freak out.

Why Do I Have This Urge to Escape to Rio?

2010-12-07T14:26:00.004-05:00

Yesterday afternoon, my pastor sent an e-mail to four of us who either have pastoral experience and/or some sort of seminary training. He wants to know if any of us are interested in assisting in worship leadership and he also offered up a preaching gig on January 2. I replied and agreed to both assisting in worship and preaching on January 2, or any other date he might need someone.

Almost immediately after sending that e-mail, I began to have a mini panic attack, thinking, "oh my gosh, what have I done?" Not only have I not preached much since leaving Saint John's, but I've never preached for more than 50 people at a time, and even the early service at our church draws 100+. What if he takes me up on the offer, and I absolutely suck? What if I choke? I mean, it's not like SJ was a great indicator of my preaching ability. What if I put myself out there and I make a total fool of myself and (worse) God?

Or, what if my return e-mail was too wordy and sounded too insecure and as a result he doesn't ask me to preach because he thinks I'm not up to it? Then (as time goes by without any response from him) I'll feel rejected and maybe even angry. After all, I can preach and lead worship. People have told me that I can. And would I have made it this far in "the process" if I had absolutely no gifts? God's called me...I have gifts...I can do it...but what if I don't get the chance?

But all those people...and what if I get the chance and I fail miserably...

And why on earth does the opinion of this fellow clergy person (who has about 15 years of experience on me and who I like and respect but don't know well at all and who definitely doesn't know me or my story) matter more than the opinion of the God who created me, called me, and loves me?

Do you see why I have this urge to escape to Rio (or someplace in the Southern Hemisphere) for a few years?

Or, maybe you're just shaking your head in exasperation and thinking, "Patti, would you QUIT being so neurotic! There's nothing you can do about it now!" Or something along those lines.

My confidence in my ability to preach and lead worship effectively, to function in a priestly capacity, was so damaged by my experience in the parish that even TWO AND A HALF YEARS LATER, I'm still dealing with it. I think (ok, I know) the only way I'm going to fully recover is to get back in the proverbial saddle, get more experience, and seek and receive more feedback. Even though it will be painful, even though I won't always like what I hear. I know that's what I need to do. I can sense God telling me that and nudging me in that direction. And maybe (searching brain for good pseudonym for my pastor) Mac's e-mail yesterday was a big nudge from God.

But no matter what my cognitive side is telling me, my emotions are something else again. It's one thing to know you need to get back in the saddle, but it's another thing altogether to actually do it.

Prayers and general encouragement in the form of comments are welcome. (:

No, You Can't Serve Two Masters...Or Blogs, Either

2010-10-27T14:20:00.005-04:00

I started this blog in January 2009, as a way of healing from a rather disastrous church experience. It helped immensely. What also helped was hearing feedback, support, and encouragement from those who heard my story. I kept this blog private, and will essentially continue to do so.

In the meantime, I have a much more public, personal blog that I began in 2006 as a way to share news about my family (I had been begging my husband to start a website for us, and he was too busy, what with finishing his PhD and all). My posting on that blog decreased dramatically during the "St. John's debacle" and afterwards. And then over the past eight months, I've been virtually silent on that blog. However, I've recently begun writing over there again, and like the fact that I can share things to a wider audience and with people who actually know who I am.

So, I have two blogs, but there's no way that I can keep both of them fairly active. I just simply can't. I'm not going to shut this blog down, because I hope that others will find my story useful. And I may still post here from time to time, when I need to share something "private." But the vast amount of my posting will be on the more personal blog.

For those of you who have been faithful readers over the past two years, I will happily give you the address of that other blog, and I would *love* to "see" you over there. If you'd rather not, that's OK. I'm going to leave you the address in "spam proof mode", which I will leave up for a few days or so. You can also e-mail me, and I will give the address to you. If you do e-mail me, be sure and give me your blog address so I can identify/recognize you, especially if you choose to remain anonymous.

Blessings!
-Patti

I deleted the actual address on 10/29, but again, feel free to e-mail me and I'll give it to you.

Marriage Preparation: My Thoughts

2010-08-02T20:43:00.003-04:00

I'm doing a wedding in October. The couple is lovely, and one that I've known for several years (I went to college with the groom, and met the bride when I officiated at a mutual friend's wedding in 2007). I've enjoyed getting to know them better and am looking forward to their wedding and watching their marriage grow and develop.

My policy with weddings (OK, to be truthful this is only my second wedding, but I can still have a policy, right?) is that I have three requirements that a couple must agree to fulfill before I will agree to officiate their wedding. Number one (and this is the only negotiable one) is that if the wedding is more than 50 miles away from my home, they will provide me with overnight accommodations. Number two is that I have veto power over the elements of the wedding ceremony. Number three is that the couple must undergo a minimum of four sessions of premarital counseling with either myself or a licensed counselor. I offer the "licensed counselor" option in case the couple lives far away from me or if issues come up during our sessions that I feel would be best handled by a "pro." So far, both couples have chosen to have me be their facilitator.

I use a wonderful tool called Prepare-Enrich that is largely based on an extensive inventory of questions that each individual answers independently. The program then does some magic and prints out a 30+ page report for me, and I base our sessions on that. Both of my couples have been extremely compatible, highly committed, and very effective communicators, so I haven't run into any "issues". But I feel that this tool, coupled with my facilitation, would be able to raise "red flags" and/or major issues in a relationship that would cause me to suggest the couple see a counselor before marriage and/or reconsider the marriage entirely. I've already decided that if I ever am approached by a couple in which one or both individuals have had multiple marriages, I will insist they see a counselor for their marriage prep rather than using only me.

I feel rather strongly about requiring substantial pre-marital counseling for three reasons: first, it's what I learned in seminary; second, Harry and I had six sessions with a professional counselor and I believe it helped us a great deal; and three, I keep hearing of couples getting divorced after only a few years of marriage, with the underlying reason being that the marriage really should never have happened in the first place. My best friend from college divorced her first husband after a year of marriage, and admitted to me that she even had doubts on her wedding day (and how embarrassing that two of her attendants were future clergy!). We have some family friends whose son got divorced three months into the marriage because his new wife had an affair and she said that "marriage wasn't what I thought it would be." I'm only 33, but off the top of my head I can think of at least six couples from college who got divorced after less than five years of marriage.

I know that premarital counseling is not a guarantee against divorce and/or unhappy marriages. I am not so naive to think that every couple I marry will "live happily ever after". However, I believe that at the very least, a well-prepared couple goes into marriage with their eyes somewhat open about their relationship, their expectations, and the challenges that marriage brings. And I feel that it's my responsibility as the person who is making their marriage legal to do everything in my power to ensure that they have the tools they need for that marriage to be a long and happy one.

What are your thoughts on this subject? What do you require from your couples?

On the Hamster Wheel of Life...

2010-07-25T13:58:00.001-04:00

Mom update: She's doing fine, and we're all adjusting to a "new normal" that is actually fairly normal. She started chemo six weeks ago, but the only side effect has been fatigue. So, she takes it very easy for the first few days after treatment and then pretty much resumes her normal life. She's on a two week on, one week off cycle and goes on Thursdays. She leaves for a two-week trip to western Canada (taking a train trip from Calgary to Vancouver) a week from Monday. When she comes back, she'll begin participating in a clinical trial drug in addition to her regular chemo, so she'll have to go two or three times a week. But that trial will only last for a few months. All in all, her quality of life is very good right now and we're feeling pretty calm and optimistic after a rather tumultuous spring.

Family update: Nora loves being a big sister. She is talking a blue streak, using 4-5 word sentences and expanding her vocabulary daily. She is also HUGE. She's slender, but is tall (probably 38") and weighs about 33 lbs. She'll be three in August and we have her signed up for preschool in the fall. She's still not potty-trained, but I figure it will happen eventually. Walter is adorable, healthy and growing, but very high-maintenance. He seems to be strong-willed and spoiled versus high-needs, so I'm beginning to lay out small amounts of "tough love" that will, of course, increase as he gets older. Example? The other day I was over at my parents' house, and my mom was holding him while I was eating lunch. Walter started screaming. his. head. off. It sounded like he was HURTING or something. After several minutes, I had enough and grabbed him to see what was wrong. He immediately calmed down. So now when he does that, I just reassure him and let him be for a few minutes. He does have reflux (and is on medicine for it), but it seems to have gotten better. Ironically, he seems to do better on lactose-free formula than on my breast milk (even though I gave up both dairy and caffeine for a while, with no improvement). So, for the time being I pump twice a day and use that milk to mix with his cereal, and give him formula for the rest of the time. It makes me feel better to know that he's getting SOME "liquid gold" in his diet. He slept through the night for a whole month, and about six weeks ago abruptly stopped. Now he wakes up at least once a night to be fed. We've started him on solid foods, tracked his liquid intake, and even tried sleep training...all to no avail. So, I'm drinking a lot of caffeine and hoping that he'll begin sleeping more soon.

Vocation update: I'm still loving my part-time chaplaincy gig and have had some interesting experiences that I hope to blog about. I'm also doing a wedding in October and am really excited about that. In June, I watched about a third of my provisional class be ordained deacons/elders and had mixed feelings about that. I was proud of them and celebrating with them for reaching this milestone. However, I also felt a little wishful and jealous...because I wanted to be up there with them, but wasn't for a variety of reasons.

I want to blog more, but life is so crazy right now with two kids. I never seem to be caught up on housework, no matter how hard I try. That reminds me, I need to unload/load the dishwasher, run a couple loads of laundry, and iron. Ta-ta!

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm in a Bad Dream

2010-05-20T23:10:00.002-04:00

It's been just over a month since Mom's second mastectomy. Her recovery was much easier this time around, mostly because they didn't cut a flap of skin from her back to do the reconstruction. Of course, it was still major surgery, but they released her 24 hours post-op and she was off narcotic painkillers within a few days. Much better than last time.

On May 6, she had (what was supposed to be) minor surgery to remove this little flap of skin in her breast area that was cancerous. When the surgeon went to remove it, he found that it had spread...a lot. So he removed as much as he could (about a 12" x17" area) and because he wanted to make sure they had "clear margins" (meaning they got all the cancer) they waited to recover the wound. So, for over a week (including two nights in the hospital) she walked around with a sealed, yet open, wound. This past Tuesday, she had a skin graft to cover that wound. They didn't get all the cancer, but they're hoping to get it with chemo, which should begin the first week in June. She'll get chemo every other week for the rest of her life, or until she can no longer tolerate it. The cancer is officially Stage IV, with "no evidence of disease". In other words, they know it's in her system, but it hasn't "landed" anywhere. Hopefully the chemo will keep it from landing anywhere. But essentially, she'll be on chemo until she dies...whenever that is. This cancer is very aggressive and because it's hormone-receptor negative (the official term is "triple negative") the only way to treat it is via chemo and radiation. The fear is that if chemo is stopped, the cancer will come back on a rampage.

(Deep cleansing breaths)

Back when she was first diagnosed in 2008, all of us (including Mom) were rattled, but took the attitude of "just a small obstacle, let's knock this out of the ballpark." And that's what happened. And then it came back, and this time it's not going away. My Dad had always expected to die before Mom; that may not happen. I had expected Mom to live into her late 80s or early 90s, or even later (my relatives tend to live that long). I had expected her to be around as my children grew up, and that my children would have a relationship with her and remember her. And now, that may not happen. In other words, I'm preparing myself for the very real likelihood that I will lose my mother before I am 40, that my children will only know her through the stories I tell and pictures I share and not through an actual relationship with her. I have lots of friends who have already lost their parents; Harry's dad died when he was 13, and his stepfather (who truly was a second father to him) died three years ago. And I know that I'm blessed that, even if Mom died tomorrow, she would have been there for many important moments in my life (graduations, my wedding, pregnancies, etc) and lived to see me be a self-supporting adult, happily married with beautiful children. But none of that helps me when I think about losing my mom within the next few years.

You know what's really tough? Being a chaplain who has worked in hospice and oncology floors and seen what terminal cancer looks like. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, and the thought of my mother going through that makes me sick.

Major prayer request; my mom is in the lottery for a clinical trial for a new drug. Please pray that "her number comes up" for that. Of course God will know exactly who you're praying for, but you can refer to her as "MJ". Thanks.

I Started This Post NINE DAYS Ago

2010-04-17T17:23:00.006-04:00

Yes, really. That's what having two kids does to you sometimes.

So, my mom had her mastectomy on Thursday, April 15. The short version is that it went well and she is home recovering. She'll start chemo in four weeks, and we'll find out more details about that on the 28th. The longer version is MUCH more interesting...it was one of those Murphy's Law days...

Harry had arranged to be home by 11:30, in plenty of time for me to get to the hospital and see Mom before her surgery at 2. I was then going to stay with Dad until the surgery was over, probably around 5 or 6.

Around 8:30, just as I was putting the last bottle of breast milk in the fridge, Harry calls. They've scheduled an important meeting and he would really rather not miss it. He says he'll come home if necessary, but...

I make a few attempts to find a baby-sitter, but really don't know very many, since my mom has always been my baby-sitter. Finally, I decided to let Harry go to his meeting (he wouldn't have asked if it wasn't important) and just take the kids with me to the hospital (we were just going to be in the surgical waiting area, so it's not like I was taking them onto a patient floor). I pack amusements for Nora, a bottle for Walter, my nursing cover, plenty of diapers, etc. Harry says he'll swing by the hospital to pick up the kids after his meeting. We arrive at the hospital, meet my dad, and I go back to see my mom...who informs me that surgeon #1 (there's a regular surgeon removing the tumor, and a plastic surgeon doing the reconstruction) has had an emergency and the surgery is delayed until at least 3:30. She sends me and Dad home. I offer to come back once Harry gets home, but my Dad discourages me from doing that.

At 4:00, I get a call from Dad saying that Mom's gone into surgery. He's heading to the hospital. He suggests that I stay home and come see Mom tomorrow. I agree.

At 8:30, I finally call Dad (who had promised to call me as soon as he talked with surgeon #2) because I'm getting worried. Turns out that Mom didn't go into the OR until 5, and had just gotten out of surgery.

The next day, I find out that she didn't get to her room for another two hours. I make plans to come and visit her after dinner that evening.

At 4:30 or so Dad calls me and says she may be getting discharged.
At 6:00 Dad calls me to say she's definitely getting discharged.
At 7:15 he calls to say that they're leaving the hospital.

I finally make it over there around 9:00 a.m., right after I headed into work for a page, only to find another chaplain there already...because I had forgotten that I was on-call Saturday instead of Friday.

The good news is that Mom is doing fairly well, already off narcotics and moving around pretty well. She sees the oncologist on Wednesday and should find out more details about the chemo treatment then.

How "Walter" Got His Name

2010-04-11T16:36:00.003-04:00

The day after our son was born, my husband and I were gazing adorably at him as he grunted and did his baby thing (hey, what else can you do in a hospital room?). Harry said, "he looks like a grumpy old man." I laughed, agreed, and posted that on my Face*book status, along with a picture. My cousin made a comment saying, "Walter Matthau reincarnated!" So, we occasionally call him "Walter" when he's being cranky. He no longer looks like Mr. Matthau, but the nickname stuck.

Look! She's Alive!

2010-04-07T19:15:00.005-04:00

It's been a pretty crazy two months around here. Of course, the new baby (who, by the way, I'm going to call Walter on the blog. Funny story about that to follow in another post) is a big part of that. I forgot what sleep deprivation is like...and of course it's worse with two kids, because I can only sleep when both kids are sleeping. Thankfully, Walter is a pretty good sleeper. While he still gets me up every three hours at night, he usually simply nurses, burps, and goes back to sleep. That and a diaper change mean I'm back in bed within half an hour. There have been a few nights when he's teased me and slept for 4-6 hours, but the every three hours pattern is currently the norm. Nora is a great big sister and has adjusted pretty well to all the changes.

The other situation that's making life interesting is my mom's cancer diagnosis. She had her mastectomy on February 22 and several weeks after that they did a full-body MRI and found a malignant spot on her left breast (side rant; why didn't they do the full-body scan BEFORE the first surgery?). A bone scan and a full-body PET scan were both clear, which is good. So, to be on the extra-safe-live-to-see-my-grandkids-grow-up side, she's having the left breast removed and reconstructed. Then she'll have chemo, which will be fairly aggressive. Her second surgery is scheduled for April 15 and chemo will start the second week of May. She (and we) are hoping that by September/October, she'll be in full remission...and stay that way.

Finally, my brother was in and out of the hospital for a few weeks because of medication issues (he has a seizure disorder and takes a medication for it). He's fine now, but that didn't help things any.

The good news? I'm remaining fairly calm and clear-headed through all this. There have been a few bad days, but I generally have a sense of peace, even though I'm in the midst of "storm." Thanks be to God and five units of CPE for that!

I do have some more posts percolating in my head...the next few months' content will most likely revolve around breast cancer and life with a newborn. I'm sure you're at the edge of your seats just thinking about it.

Birth Announcement

2010-02-09T15:53:00.002-05:00

Junior was born at 2:07 EST today. He weighed 6 lbs, 15 oz and is 19
1/4" long. Labor and delivery were smooth sailing and we're both doing
fine. Thanks for your prayers!
Sent from my iPhone

One Day More...

2010-02-08T14:17:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is D-day, I-day (induction day), and hopefully Junior's birthday. I am between 2-3 cm dilated and somewhat effaced. The nursery is basically ready (it needs tweaking, but is painted, furnished, and he has clothes, diapers, and wipes), the car seat and base are installed in my car (the one we're taking home from the hospital), and the house is about 80% clean. I simply ran out of steam...I do plan on cleaning the family room tonight, but otherwise need to get a good night's sleep.

We are to report to L&D by 7am tomorrow morning and I can't have anything but clear liquids after midnight tonight. I'm hoping that labor will be relatively quick (as in, I deliver by late afternoon) because I'll almost certainly be restricted to my bed because they'll break my water early AND I plan on requesting an epidural as soon as they let me (word on the street is Pitocin-induced contractions are MUCH more painful than natural contractions).

I will post an announcement as soon as I can. The hospital allegedly has wireless Internet and we're bringing the laptop along. Don't panic if you don't see a post until Wednesday morning, since I may just conk out after delivery (and notifying those who, I hate to say it, are higher on the communications totem pole than you all are).

Your prayers are requested, of course...for me and Junior, for Harry as he supports me through labor, delivery, and postpartum, for Nora as she makes the transition to being a big sister. She will be spending a few days with my parents, while we're in the hospital and a night or so afterwards. We've talked about this "big sister" thing as much as we can, but I don't think it will really hit her until she meets Junior and realizes that she has to share the spotlight.

Oh, and please specifically pray that everything goes "according to plan" and that I don't need an emergency C-section. I don't know why I'm so worried about it this time around, but I am. Maybe it's the induction (I went into labor on my own with Nora, and never even had a drop of Pitocin), but it's been a worry of mine. Yes, I'd rather have a healthy baby and a C-section scar than the alternative, but I just don't want to deal with major surgery. Hopefully that won't happen, though.

Toodles! See you on the other side, so to speak!

Maybe We Should Move to Boston...

2010-02-01T08:27:00.003-05:00

I will state, for those of you who haven't figured it out, that I live in southeastern Virginia. I'm about twenty miles from the ocean, which means that our winters tend to be fairly mild...very little winter weather in the past few years, and more ice than snow.

I grew up in Northern Virginia, just seven miles from the White House. I've lived south of the Mason-Dixon line for most of my life, including a five-year stint in Kentucky. I was raised by two Yankees: my mom grew up in New York and my dad in Iowa. In my household, snow and ice weren't viewed as scary things; my dad taught me how to drive in snow when I was 18 and we were always amazed at how people would panic when more than two inches of snow was forecast (bread! milk! gas! cancel all activities for the next week!, etc). The few times I remember OUR household actually coming to a standstill, we had over six inches of snow and unplowed roads.

In NoVa and in Kentucky, I would be amazed at how inept the local residents were at dealing with snow. However, NOTHING prepared me for the folly that I have experienced this weekend. Our area received about 7-10" of snow on Saturday. I drove in the early part of the storm, because I was on-call Friday night and received a page around 4:30 am. It was rough, but not horrible. However, we got a little bit of sleet and temperatures dropped, and THE WORLD HAS COME TO AN END. Every church cancelled services. Every school system is closed today. Most local military bases are closed to all but essential personnel. Major roads are still unplowed, unsanded, unsalted. Apparently most local cities have between 20-30 snowplows, tops. Even the city to our east, which is (geographically) one of the largest in the state/nation, only has 25 plows. Neighborhood streets are never plowed.

The kicker? My OB's office just called me. They're cancelling all appointments and diverting all tests/labs to the hospital. Why? THEIR office parking lot is unplowed. I have a Fetal Non-Stress Test this morning, so I have to go over to the hospital to do it. Not a big deal at all, although I'm thankful that Harry is home to watch Nora. However, what made me roll my eyes was the nurse's final comment: "You might want to have someone drop you off in front. The hospital's parking lot isn't very clear, either."

I'll take my chances. I don't feel like making Harry and Nora go home and come back in an hour (children are currently banned from all area hospitals due to H1N1 fears), or drive around aimlessly for an hour. It can't be THAT bad, can it?

Better Now, and an Update

2010-01-28T20:51:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling much better now. I saw my mom today, and she's in better spirits than yesterday, too. The oncologist and surgeon seem to be fairly optimistic from what I can tell, although we'll know more tomorrow after the MRI results are known. Incidentally, they didn't do a full-body MRI scan. Instead, they just focused on the breast area. And I guess the surgeon wants to wait and see what he finds when he does the mastectomy on February 25.

I gained a little perspective when I remembered that Mom has been seeing her oncologist every 3-6 months, getting bloodwork and full-body scans done. Her last scan in August was fine, as was her bloodwork. So, chances are that this recurrence was caught early enough that remission should be expected. It will be tougher on her, I imagine. since not only is she having a more invasive surgery (mastectomy with reconstruction vs lumpectomy) but that any chemo or radiation they give her will probably be slightly stronger. However, I no longer have the crippling fear that my children won't get to know their maternal grandmother. Yes, cancer is unpredictable, but for now I have confidence that she'll be around for a few more years.

The other major update I have is in regards to Junior. I had an OB appointment today, along with an ultrasound to check his size. It appears that Harry and I breed giant babies. Nora was 7 lbs 10 oz at birth, and has stayed in the 75th-95th percentiles for height since birth. It appears that Junior will be no different. In fact, he's out to show up his big sister. His CURRENT estimated weight is 7 lbs 2 oz. At 36 weeks, folks. He also apparently is swimming in more than the usual amount of amniotic fluid. Not officially "too much", but more than normal. Apparently this increases the risk of "cord accidents" and the like. Therefore, Junior and I will be subjected to non-stress tests every Monday and Thursday until delivery. And they're playing it safe and scheduling an induction on February 9.

The good news about the early induction is that my mom can take care of Nora and support us for a few weeks, while still having time to rest before her surgery. Of course, I now have TWELVE DAYS to get things ready for Junior, when I thought I had almost a month. And I am worried about the remote possibility of Junior developing a "true knot" in the cord or getting the cord wrapped tightly around his neck, since he has so much extra room. Prayers for that would be welcome. However, the doctor didn't sound TOO worried, and I got the feeling that the NST's and early induction were to be on the safe side of things. If he was really worried, I imagine he would have given me a few hours to pack and arrange for Nora's care before checking into L&D. Right? I hope so.

Deep breaths, deep breaths...

2010-01-27T12:54:00.004-05:00

My mom called about an hour ago, while Nora and I were driving around town. I had a craving for T*co B*ll and so had scrounged up some change and bought myself a crunchy taco supreme. As I was leaving the drive-thru, my mom called. I knew something was up when she said, "are you at home?" She then told me to call when I got home.

Fifteen minutes later (and much worrying about what it could be), I returned her call, and once again my world turned upside down. Her cancer is back; in the same breast as last time. She has to have a mastectomy and reconstruction on February 25. After that, she can't lift anything for six weeks. And of course she'll be recovering for a week or so after the surgery, anyway. We don't know if the cancer has spread; she has an MRI tomorrow to see if/where it has spread.

This time, she's going to tell people and not keep quiet about it (which she did last time, mostly to protect my brother). I'm glad, because it will give her and my dad the support they'll need.

So, I'm sitting here, half-hysterical for two main reasons:
-I'm worried about my mom, and heartbroken that she has to go through this again, after being cancer-free for almost two years. I'm also terrified that the MRI tomorrow will show that the cancer has spread (although she had a clear MRI in August) and she'll wind up dying. And while I know she's going to die at some point, I was sort of banking on it not being for another 20 years, at least. I really don't want to lose my mother while I'm still in my thirties. There's a good chance I won't, but there's still that chance.

-My due date is either February 24 or March 3, depending on whether you go by my dates or the ultrasound. Because my mother's surgery is on the 25th (and she can't move it earlier; she asked), she will essentially be out of commission for the first six weeks of Junior's life. I'm getting ready to have my second child, I'm at a high risk for Post-Partum Depression (I have a history of depression, and had undiagnosed PPD last time), and my main support person besides Harry (who is a wonderful father/husband and who is taking two weeks of paternity leave) will be unavailable.

I know we'll get through it, and thankfully we do have Harry's mom, who is about to retire and will be available. She lives four hours away, but I know she'll be happy to help. It's just not the same. I want my mommy!

Oh and today? Is my mother's 69th birthday. What a rotten day for her to receive news like this.

Prayers would be appreciated. And virtual chocolate. You know what really sucks? I can't even DRINK (alcohol, I mean) as a coping mechanism.

And for those of you I know In Real Life (only two that I know of, but there could be more) who read this blog, keep mum about the news for now, because Mom's not going to tell anyone until closer to the surgery. You probably would anyway, but better safe than sorry.

Nora is destroying her room because I left her there with the gate in place so I could cry, call Harry, cry, post this blog entry, and then probably cry some more. I guess I should go check on her.

More Opportunity for Feedback

2010-01-12T20:15:00.001-05:00

Suggestions for Hospital Visitation
• Before visiting, attempt to speak with the patient and/or next of kin to find out:
o Whether or not they want visitors.
o When is the best time to visit
o If there is anything they need/want you to bring (Communion, toiletries, reading material, food for spouse/caregiver, etc)

• Remember that hospital stays can be an intense experience, depending on the reason for and length of the stay. The patient (who is under the weather anyway) will probably be tired and not in the mood for a long visit.

• Prepare yourself for what you may see/experience, especially in any sort of intensive care unit:
o Machines monitoring “vital signs” (heart rate, breathing rate, blood-oxygen levels)
o Tubes entering and exiting the patient (to both collect and drain fluids)
o A ventilator (machine breathing for the patient) or devices to assist with breathing.
o Odors; hospital rooms can be smelly places.

• Remember to care for family members, especially the immediate family.
o Bring meals to them at home or in the hospital (cafeteria food is expensive and gets old quickly!)
o Offer to keep them company while waiting for surgeries, tests, and in between visiting hours.
o Above all, touch base on a regular basis (anywhere from once a day to once a week, depending on the situation).
o Don’t forget to continue care once the patient returns home.

• The chaplains can be a valuable asset. Utilize them if necessary.

Feedback needed; Hospital Visitation

2010-01-12T20:08:00.002-05:00

Commandments of Hospital Visitation

DO NOT visit if you are sick or think you are becoming sick.

DO always wash your hands with either soap and water OR alcohol-based hand sanitizer:

· Before entering a patient’s room.

· After leaving a patient’s room.

· After using the restroom.

· After touching anywhere on your face.

DO NOT share information about the patient’s condition to ANYONE without the consent of the patient and/or next of kin (spouse, parent, child, or designated person).

DO NOT give the patient anything to eat/drink without the consent of their nurse or primary caregiver.

DO follow all instructions posted in the hospital and outside the room. Examples:

· “Please go to nurses’ station prior to entering room.”

· “Isolation precautions” (usually means patient has an infection and you need to put on a gown, gloves, and maybe even mask before entering room)

· “No visitors” (unless the family has told you otherwise; best to check at nurses station)

· “Wash hands with soap and water” (usually means patient has C. Difficile, a very nasty germ that is not removed with hand sanitizer)

DO NOT sit on the patient’s bed.

DO respect visiting hours, especially in the intensive care units (ICU).

DO keep your visit brief, unless your instincts say otherwise.

DO relax and follow your instincts.

DO keep in mind that it’s all about THEM and not about YOU.

DO cover the uncovered…it makes things better for everyone.

DO pray, or at least offer to pray, for the patient and family.

DO knock on the door (and wait for a response) before entering.

Oooh! Guess What?

2009-12-07T11:39:00.003-05:00

I just got a phone call from the person in charge of a local (UM) church's caring ministry. They want me to come and give a brief presentation on the "do's and don'ts" of hospital visitation. It's in January, so I have some time to prepare. Just an hour-long presentation or so. I'm excited and flattered to have been asked. Now I have an excuse to buy a new career maternity outfit. Gotta look professional!

Stay tuned for details about the material I'll present. You all can be my guinea pigs/peanut gallery.

Friday Five: An Advent of Doing Nothing

2009-12-04T15:58:00.005-05:00

Five Things I Won't Be Doing This Advent:

1) Sending out Christmas cards. I'm just not that organized and put-together. For several years in a row I bought cards and even began composing a letter, but never got a finished product together. If I do anything along that line, it will be an e-mail.

2) Spending tons of money on presents. We try and keep it minimalist and not go overboard. Our limit for each other is usually less than $200; for Nora maybe $150 or so. My parents and brother normally get presents worth about $30-50; we might spent more on Harry's mom because I don't know if she'll get any other presents. We do have a good set of friends with whom we exchange presents, but that's about it. Nora and I may bake cookies next week for her physical therapist and anyone else who might appreciate a token gift. But that's it.

3) Buying a live Christmas tree (I stole this from MomPriest). The smell and authenticity is lovely, but they just don't last very long. We have a nice 7' tree that we bought about five or six years ago.

4) Traveling, except maybe to my parents, who are less than 20 miles away. Harry's mom is arriving either late on Christmas Eve or sometime Christmas morning. We prefer to spend Christmas at home now that we have Nora (and Junior on the way).

5) Going to lots of Christmas parties...if we go to any at all. I haven't heard if the Spiritual Care office is having a Christmas party or not. Last year, we went to the big, lavish (full bar, catered dinner in a hotel, dancing, etc) Christmas party that Harry's company throws. I had a great time, he had a lousy time. So, we won't be going this year.

As for the bonus...I can't think of my favorite Advent hymn, although "Come Thou Long-Expected Jesus" would be a front runner. I can't find a decent video of it, though, so you'll have to use your imagination.

Liberal or Conservative? It's All Relative...

2009-12-02T13:59:00.003-05:00

About a year into my tenure at SJ, I was in the middle of a conversation with my treasurer when he said, "Now ____, you're very liberal, which I guess is expected..." and then continued with the conversation. I was sort of shocked, and as soon as I hung up the phone, I burst into laughter. Me, being referred to as LIBERAL! Obviously this man did not know what seminary I attended or that some (misinformed, jump-to-conclusions) people think that because I am a graduate of the above-named seminary I am a raging conservative who worships the memory of Jerry Falwell (I am not and do not, by the way).

In reality, I consider myself a theological moderate, at least in the spectrum of the entire Christian tradition. I lean slightly towards the left on some areas (violence, death penalty, homosexuality, womens' roles in the church, etc) and slightly to the right in some other areas (abortion, sexual ethics, medical ethics, Biblical interpretation, etc). I'm fairly orthodox in my core beliefs but have a strong commitment to social justice, bringing Christ's kingdom to earth, being his hands and feet through the power of the Holy Spirit, etc.

What I've realized over the years is that theological perception is very much a relative thing. I know many liberal Christians who consider me to be "socially and theologically conservative" and will not hear an argument against it. However, I have also known several people who perceive me as liberal because I am a woman in ministry, am open to the possibility of homosexuals in ministry, am against the death penalty, and have a passion for those on the margins of society.

However, rather than be defensive when someone mislabels me as very conservative or very liberal, I've learned to just take it in stride and remember that a) I know who I am, what I believe, and where I stand and b) that perception is all relative, dependent on where you are standing.

So go ahead, call me a liberal, call me a conservative, call me late for dinner. I know however, that I am a MODERATE.

NaBloPoMo: I Did It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-30T18:28:00.003-05:00

Today is November 30, which ends NaBloPoMo. With one exception (this past Friday, when I was just too exhausted from Turkey Day), I posted every single day for a month. I'm glad I did it, as tough as it was some days to come up with a topic. First of all, my traffic has doubled, even tripled some days (the day that my blog was featured on RevGal's Wednesday Festival I had TEN times my normal traffic). Second, I've found writing some of these entries to be a very cathartic experience, and have greatly appreciated the feedback I've received.

I won't be posting every single day anymore, but do hope to post at least a few times a week. My mission for this blog is two-fold; that it will continue to be a conduit for my continued healing and growth, and that my experience will help others who may be in the midst or aftermath of a similar experience. I know it's meant a lot to me to read other blogs, "hear" the experiences of others, and know I'm not alone. I wish that I had had this blog back when I was going through the SJ fiasco, because it might have helped me. Oh, well.

Anyway, happy Monday!

Church Relations...Mine in Particular

2009-11-29T14:07:00.009-05:00

It's really tough being clergy, not being the pastor, and being part of a congregation. I've been struggling with that...finding my niche in a church family...since leaving SJ a year and a half ago. We've actually been part of two congregations in that time. The first one has about 500 regular attendees, multiple pastors, and the senior pastor (a woman) will almost certainly become a bishop in the next 10-15 years. I liked it and so we joined last year (me as a clergy member, Harry as a full member). However, we began having some issues/concerns (lack of warmth and connection with the congregation, a feeling our gifts weren't needed, too far from home, that sort of thing) and began looking for another church.

Church #2 is about five miles or so from our home, has about 250 regular attendees, one pastor (but multiple staff members), and seems a little more kid-friendly (they have a Sunday School class for two-year-olds!). I'm currently "under the radar", in the sense that no one (even the pastor) knows that I am clergy...although I did tell the Sunday School class we attended today that I'm a chaplain, so they might put two and two together.

The thing is...I'm realizing how hard it is to find a church that will really be "home" and where Harry and I will find our respective ministry niches. What especially complicates things is our recent history and the feeling of being wounded by the institution itself. It takes time and investment (at least six months to a year) to really become a part of a church. I know that. But part of me wants instant gratification; to walk into a church and have 250 instant best friends who will love me and know me like they've known me for years. I know that's unrealistic, of course. It's just hard to take the risks and steps that I know are necessary to feel like a member of the family and not just a visitor.

I could write more, but I'm pooped and you're probably bored. By the way, Kentucky lost last night. It was pathetic and disappointing.

I'm Really Not THAT Into Sports, But...

2009-11-28T21:01:00.004-05:00

Harry and I spent over five years in Kentucky. He got his PhD from here and I got my M.Div from here. As a result of being essentially marinated in Big Blue Madness, we became a part of the madness. We haven't lived in KY in almost four years, but we're still loyal fans. So, guess what we're watching RIGHT NOW? Yup, the Kentucky-Tennessee game, and hoping for a win for the first time since 1984.

Go Kentucky!!!!!!

Thanksgiving: It Is Finished...

2009-11-26T21:27:00.003-05:00

I'm pooped. And I didn't even do most of the cooking, although I did do most of the clean-up. We had my parents and brother over for dinner, as well as a family friend. I made candied yams and cranberry sauce from scratch. Harry made the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, rolls, and pies. My mom brought green bean casserole. We used our fine china, crystal, and silver, all of which needs to be hand-washed.

I'm off to bed. And I think that I'm coming down with a cold.

By the way, Harry and I have just finished watching the newest "Star Trek" movie, and it's pretty good. I'm not a "Trekkie" by any means, but it was an enjoyable experience.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Brotherly Love

2009-11-25T22:00:00.003-05:00

I was able to bond with my "baby" brother today. He's 30 years old, has been taller than me since he was 13 or so, and can easily pull me off a sofa with one hand, but he's still my baby brother. I'll call him Robby on the blog. Anyway, Robby functions at the level of a five-year-old, on a good day. He has a very rare genetic neurological disorder that I won't identify because it's so rare, that if I named it here, my blog would easily come up on a Google search.

Robby lives in a group home about ten miles from my parents and has for the past four years. He works at a sheltered workshop that's pretty close to where we live. My parents and I are co-guardians, and when they both die (which I hope won't be for a while), I will be solely in charge of Robby's life.

My mom called me this afternoon. She had Nora (so I could do some cleaning and preparing for Thanksgiving) and told me that Robby had probably dislocated his shoulder while at work. At first, she suggested that I bring him to their house and she would take him to an ER near her. However, I suggested that since a) he was in pain and b) I didn't have Nora with me, and c) I live 15 minutes from the hospital that I simply take him to the ER myself. She agreed, and so I picked him up from work and took him to the ER.

We proceeded to spend the next two hours in the ER, only to find out that Robby no longer had a dislocated shoulder (we think it probably popped back in at some point, which is what happened last time) and they sent him home with a sling (that he refused to wear) and instructions to take Tylenol or Advil for pain. Mom pulled up to the ER entrance and we swapped "packages", so she took Robby home and I took Nora home (she had to pull up to the entrance because the hospitals in our area have banned children under 18 from visiting, due to the H1N1 situation).

While I would never choose an afternoon in the ER for a brother-sister bonding session, it was nice to be able to spend some time with Robby. I'd forgotten how amusing he can be; when I told him about Junior, he said, "you've got to be kidding me." Twice. Then, when the nurse tried to put the sling on him, he said, "no, I don't need it" and wouldn't let them put it on him.

Potential TMI Warning: Pregnancy is SO Much Fun!

2009-11-24T18:18:00.003-05:00

Remember what I said yesterday about my Braxton Hicks contractions? Yeah, they continued through this morning, even though I was guzzling water like no tomorrow (seriously, I must have drank 64 oz by 9am). So, I called the doctor's office, and they squeezed me in this morning. The good news: I am NOT experiencing preterm labor. The bad news? I have a UTI, otherwise known as a Urinary Tract Infection which may have been causing the BH contractions, cramping, and achiness.

So, the normal route of treatment is to prescribe an antibiotic, which they did. However, antibiotics and me have a love-hate relationship. I'm allergic to penicillin and cephalosporins, which eliminates a bunch of possibilities right there. I'm also allergic to several other drugs, most of which are used to treat UTIs. Add in my pregnancy, and you have an OB who is sitting there muttering, "No...can't have that...allergic to that...can't have that...we'll give you Bactrim."

So join me in praying that this course of Bactrim (the second in six weeks, because I had a UTI in October) will do the trick, and I will be UTI-free for the rest of my pregnancy. Otherwise, I might just have to track down some brilliant pharmacist and convince him/her to invent a drug that is safe for pregnancy and not penicillin or a cephalosporin.

Our house is quiet tonight. Nora is with my parents and will be there until early tomorrow afternoon. I didn't get as much done as I wanted today, because I spent some time at the doctor's office and then guzzling water/resting. However, most of the downstairs is clean, so tomorrow I'll get the upstairs done. That includes Nora's room, which is currently a disaster area.

On Blogging Anonymously...or Almost

2009-11-23T18:22:00.003-05:00

When I started this blog, I decided to make it a fairly anonymous project from the get-go. There are several reasons for this. First, I wanted a venue where I could be candid about my struggles, opinions, anger, and the like without worrying about repercussions to my career, reputation, or family. As I may have mentioned before, I do have another blog that is under my real name and where I share news about my family with friends and relatives. I've had that blog since early 2006, and when a few members of SJ read it, they got upset about some of the posts that referred to them (I think they were overreacting, especially about the one mentioning a mouse in the parsonage, but I digress). I didn't want to have to deal with that again. I also didn't want any of the "powers that be" in my conference to find my blog and immediately be able to know who authors this blog. Second (and this is to a lesser extent), I wanted to protect the identity of myself and my family. Even on my other blog, I don't say what city we live in or give out obvious things like our address. I've never had a problem, but still...there are sick people out there.

At first, I debated not telling ANYONE I knew In Real Life about this blog, but changed my mind. I told Harry because he's my husband, experienced most of the h*ll of SJ with me, and I wanted him along for the journey of healing and hope. Then I told a few friends (10-15 tops) who I trust implicitly and who I wanted to experience my journey. I know that neither Harry nor any of the friends I told will a) identify me as the author and/or b) share this blog address with anyone in my conference without my permission. Harry reads this blog on a regular basis, and I know at least one of my other IRL friends does.

However, blogging fairly anonymously is a struggle for me because I'm a fairly self-revealing person, and it's kind of hard to intentionally withhold key pieces of my identity from people. That may be one of the reasons why I've intentionally let some facts slip over the past ten months. Truly, if someone stumbled onto this blog, read it all the way through, and was somewhat familiar with me (especially in a ministry/professional context), they would probably be able to put two and two together and make an educated guess that I'm the author. However, they really wouldn't be able to prove it unless they asked me outright, which gives me a measure of peace and security.

I'm not about to "come out of the blogging closet" or anything, but I also wanted to communicate that while I'm committed to remaining fairly anonymous on the blog, I'm more than willing to reveal more about my identity via e-mail and the like. I'm more than happy to answer questions, if you have any. I'm not terribly afraid of any of my regular readers (especially those whose blogs I read) tracking me down and stalking me. I just don't want to be sitting in my ordination interviews and have someone whip out a printout of my blog and hold it against me. Know what I mean?

On a completely different topic, I've started to have Braxton-Hicks contractions. I'll be 26 weeks on Wednesday, and this is when they started when I was pregnant with Nora. Of course, back then my father-in-law had just died, I was a full-time pastor, and making final preparations to perform a wedding for two friends. In other words, stress was high. I thought things might be different this time, but I guess chasing a two-year-old and occasionally carrying 29 lbs up a flight of stairs can be taxing, as well. I know what to do; drink water like there's no tomorrow and lie on my side until they go away. It's just annoying and makes me worry about preterm labor and when I need to call the doctor. Hopefully they'll go away after a week or so (they did with Nora) and not return until week 36 or 37.

Bebo Norman: "Great Light of the World"

2009-11-22T19:46:00.004-05:00

Bebo Norman is one of my favorite artists. I first saw him perform about nine years ago, and I was really impressed by how down-to-earth, gifted, and engaging he was. I find his music very "real." Harry and I actually danced to "A Page is Turned" at our wedding. This is one of his more recent songs, and it's one of my favorites. We sang it in church today, and I was once again struck by the lyrics. Enjoy.

Sometimes at night
I am afraid
I cover my eyes,
Cover my shame
So here in the dark
Broken apart
Come with your light
And fill up my heart
Oh great light of the world
Fill up my soul
I’m half a man here
So come make me whole
Oh great light of the world
Come to impart
The light of your grace
To fill up my heart
The wind of this world
Can push us around
Folding us up
Backing us down
But here in the dark
I’m not alone
So come with your strength
And carry me home
Oh great light of the world
Fill up my soul
I’m half a man here
So come make me whole
Oh great light of the world
Come to impart
The light of your grace
Oh great light of the world
Fill up my soul
I’m half a man here
So come make me whole
Oh great light of the world
Come to impart
The light of your grace
To fill up my heart
The light of your grace
To fill up my heart

I Plan on Ignoring This, and Suggest You Do, Too.

2009-11-21T21:41:00.003-05:00

The official guidelines on breast cancer screenings have been changed. Click on the link below and read for more details:

http://www.annals.org/content/151/10/716.full

In essence, women will be encouraged to a) not perform monthly self-exams, b) not receive mammograms before age 50 and after age 75, and c) only receive a mammogram every two years.

While I understand that the vast majority of women can follow these guidelines and not be negatively affected...if they're lucky. However, there's a reason why the previous guidelines (mammograms at age 40, monthly self-exams for all women, etc) are a good idea; THEY SAVE LIVES.

My mother is a breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed in February 2008 with stage 2 breast cancer, received a round of chemo and a round of radiation, and has been cancer free since then. Her breast cancer was caught very early, as a result of her annual mammogram. If she had waited another year to have a mammogram, then her cancer (which was a rare and aggressive form), would most likely have been caught "too late". If she had delayed her mammogram by a year, most likely she'd be dead by now.

My husband's grandmother died of breast cancer. She was 87, it was stage 3 by the time they caught it, and she hadn't done a self-exam or had a mammogram in years. I think a nurse saw the lump after her hip surgery, or something like that.

I know other women who have received early breast cancer diagnoses because of a self-exam or routine mammogram, but these are the two that have hit closest to home.

My biggest fear is that insurance companies will change their policies to reflect these new recommendations. Some women (like myself and my mother) will continue to receive annual mammograms (I had been approved to have one, but then I got pregnant. I'll get one once I'm done nursing), even if we have to pay out of pocket and (as my mom says), "as long as I can stand up." Other women however, will not be able to afford to self-pay if necessary, and I worry that many women will receive late cancer diagnoses because they have no choice but to space out their mammograms. That makes me angry, and it makes me sad (oooh...can you tell I have five units of CPE?).

OK, I'm getting off my soapbox now. Feel free to chime in if you agree or disagree with me. I just had to get that off my chest.

I Can't Believe I Actually Said That...

2009-11-20T20:23:00.003-05:00

As anyone who is a mom knows, raising children certainly has MOMENTS. Nora is almost 27 months old and in the throes of the terrible twos. As many of my friends with older children have told me, I have two years of this to look forward to, because apparently three year-olds are worse than two year-olds. Yay.

Our latest struggle has been with nap time. I can tell she still needs a nap each day, and I know that *I* need her to have a daily nap. However, since we moved her into a toddler bed a month or so ago, she has been almost categorically refusing to stay in her bed and take a nap during the day. Instead of napping, she gets out of bed and plays in her room. Of course, she winds up removing things from her bookshelf and basically trashing the place.

Most days, she does wind up exhausting herself, crawling into bed, and taking a nap eventually. Today and yesterday, she wouldn't. Even worse, when I led her back to bed, she would simply get back up and SMILE when I caught her up. It was like she was MOCKING me. I. was. livid.

So, I left her upstairs, went downstairs, and cried, watched a "Grey's Anatomy" rerun, and posted something on my F*cebook status. It went along the lines of "does anyone want to trade a church for a two-year-old?" Because at that moment, I would have even taken SJ over dealing with Nora.

Things got better...I calmed myself down, and we took a drive (I got a Coke at Burger King) and she eventually fell asleep. I did however, refuse to let her watch "Sesame Street" tonight as punishment. She is now in bed for the night. My parents are going to watch Nora on Tuesday night, so I can look forward to 24 hours of child-free time. I plan on mostly using the time to clean the house and get things ready for Thanksgiving, which we are hosting this year. However, I am looking forward to sleeping in on Wednesday morning. The thought of sleeping past 7am makes me excited. Amazing what parenthood does for you...

Public Service Announcement

2009-11-19T19:52:00.003-05:00

If you're 25 weeks pregnant, it's not the best idea to eat Wendy's for lunch and Red Robin for dinner. I'm just sayin'.

I treated Nora to lunch out today because she was a GEM during my dentist appointment. She even let me spend twenty minutes at the Cokesbury store that's practically next door to my dentist (and even more amazing, I didn't spend a cent!). I picked Wendy's because she likes the chicken nuggets there and I like their burgers.

I was planning on leftovers for dinner, but Harry came home early, hadn't eaten lunch, and wanted a burger. From Red Robin. So, off we went (no, we don't normally go out to eat twice in one day. It just happened like that). And it's sort of silly to go to Red Robin and have a salad...it's a burger joint! So, I had the Banzai Burger. Yummy.

However, I now feel like there is a brick in my stomach, rather than a mere 1.5-lb baby. The heartburn is kinda bad, too.

Oh, and I had a cavity in one of my wisdom teeth (yes, I'm one of the few adults who still has all her wisdom teeth) and have to get it filled. Thankfully, it's not so bad that we can't wait until after Junior is born. So, my May check-up will also feature a lovely drilling/filling session. My first in seven years, by the way. I just hope the dentist either uses laughing gas or will give me some Valium, because just the Novacaine (sp?) won't cut it for me. I'm a weenie for pain.

That's your Thursday post. Tomorrow is the premier of "New Moon", the second movie in the "Twilight" series. Who's planning on seeing it? I AM! But probably not until next week.

Picking Your Brains: Pets, Parsonages, and our Ministry

2009-11-18T20:05:00.005-05:00

I am aware that several of my readers (you know, all three or so of you) are also pet owners, so I thought that you all might be a good source of insight for me. This question falls into the vein of "if I do go back to the parish, what could I do differently to make sure this sort of situation doesn't happen again?"

When we moved into the SJ parsonage in June 2006, Harry and I had one dog. His name was Woody, and he was our baby...I freely admit that we treated him like a child. Of course he lived in the house with us, because neither Harry or myself had ever considered any other alternative. In November 2006, we added Simon to our family. He was six weeks old and I actually brought him home from a church event (long story). From the beginning, Harry and I made every effort to make sure that the dogs did not damage the parsonage (cleaning up from any messes, keeping them off church-owned furniture, crate-training Simon). We did give them free reign over the yard, after installing one of those underground fences.

At first, I took Woody to the office with me and to a church event held outside. I also brought him to one night of VBS, but as I heard later (two months later), that didn't go over well. I think people were kind of "weirded out" by me even bringing Woody to the outside event and to the office. In the culture of that area, pets just weren't a major part of peoples' lives. They almost always lived outside, sometimes chained up except for brief walks, and I know some owners only saw their pets once every few days.

Like everything at SJ, it seemed like a fairly minor thing until about a year or so later, when all you-know-what began to break loose. They (meaning my parsonage committee) accused the dogs (Woody had died by this point, but he was still considered a guilty party) of ruining the boxwoods in front of the parsonage by peeing on them (NOTE: I have a very brown thumb and no one told me that dog urine could kill boxwoods) and demanded that I replace them. They had a hissy fit because Simon jumped on the sofa one time as they were leaving (he was forbidden from doing so, but still did it occasionally and the sofa WAS. IN. PERFECT. CONDITION). Basically, they acted like my dogs had destroyed their precious parsonage, or were in the process of doing so. In reality (both our opinion and the observations of other visitors), the parsonage was in as good shape as it had been when we moved in (except for the boxwoods, but can I interject that we had TWO very dry summers which might have contributed to their demise). When we moved out, there were no complaints about the condition of the parsonage, and my successor (who doesn't live in the SJ parsonage) said that from what she heard, the church was "very pleased" with the condition of the parsonage (not surprising, since we had the floors waxed and the upholstery and rugs shampooed, as well as a thorough cleaning).

The church made it clear that the next time a pastor lived in the parsonage, they were going to request/demand that any pets be outside all the time AND that any dogs be "tied up out back." I don't think they'll have much luck with that (I would laugh in their face and then demand either a housing allowance, a policy change, or another appointment).

So...how have you all handled pet issues in the parsonage? Have you ever run into any problems? Their reaction seems a little extreme and unyielding to me, especially since we really tried to respect their property. I realize that it was all part of the larger Drama, but is there anything that I missed? I've already decided that if I go back to the local church, I will push for a housing allowance if at all possible. If I do wind up in a parsonage, the parsonage committee and I will establish upfront what their/our expectations are in terms of care, upkeep, and pet policy.

A Total Cop-Out, But Let's Not Be Legalistic

2009-11-17T20:44:00.003-05:00

I have no clue what to post on right now. There are tons of things I could write about, but I'm sort of tired right now and want to go to bed soon. I'm also feeling somewhat full, because we ate at Qdoba tonight and I guess that was way too much food.

So, happy Tuesday. If I have a bout of insomnia before midnight, you might get a real post. Otherwise, I promise to come up with something fascinating and thought-provoking for tomorrow.

Well, THAT Only Took Me 18 Months to Realize...

2009-11-16T13:11:00.006-05:00

It's amazing the realizations that come to us in the middle of the night, or the wee hours of the morning. Today, I had one of those realizations and amazingly enough, I still remember it and can blog about it.

I'm angry at God.

I've struggled with lots of anger over the past 18 months. I was angry at myself, then at SJ, then at my District Superintendents (both of them), then at my Board of Ordained Ministry, the Annual Conference, and even Harry (although that's not the case anymore-and since he reads this blog, I know we'll be having a conversation when he gets back from his overnight trip). But I had never even felt or even contemplated that I might be angry at God.

I think that the catalyst for this realization is Harry's trip up to his undergraduate alma mater to give a presentation on some fun math topic. See, in our original Grand Plan, Harry was supposed to be teaching at Alma Mater University after he received his PhD. He was one of the bright stars of the department; his former professor, mentor, and friend described him as the best student he's ever had. Every time Harry would visit during graduate school, key people in the department would do this "wink, wink, nudge, nudge" thing and ask him when he was graduating (with the understanding that they wanted him to come and teach). So, he would teach at Alma Mater and I'd serve a church in the area, and life would be Great.

The year Harry received his PhD (2006), there were three (3) full-time faculty positions available in the department. He applied for all of them, as well as at least five or six other faculty positions at various colleges/universities within the boundaries of my annual conference. To be "on the safe side", he also applied to three or four schools outside the conference. His grades were PERFECT, he was already published, had presented several papers, had excellent recommendations, etc. I expected schools to be fighting over him. Who wouldn't want my brilliant, gifted, hard-working husband on their faculty??

But that's not what happened. He went to a huge math conference in January and only got about five or so "mini-interviews" and of those interviews, he only got invited for TWO on-campus interviews, neither of which were in our annual conference. Alma Mater University never contacted him for an on-campus interview, and when he made some inquiries, he found out they were drooling over a bunch of people who had done post-doctoral research and seemed to care less about Harry (his former professor was quite incensed about this, by the way. Jim wanted Harry to come to Alma Mater as much as Harry did, maybe more).

So...he got a job offer at a small university about 70 miles from the border of our annual conference, and accepted the position. Then I had to make a request for an appointment as close to the VA/NC border as possible. Then I got appointed to SJ, and I now know that they had specifically asked for a pastor who was OLDER and EXPERIENCED (the opposite of me, in other words), and no one saw fit to tell me this until 18 months into my time there. My two years at SJ were probably the worst in my life so far (and it wasn't all about the church-my FIL died, my dog died, my mother got breast cancer, Harry and I were separated for six months while we had a newborn) and did severe damage to my reputation, my family, and my emotional health. I'm still in "recovery/healing" mode from all that and am scared to death to return to the local church because of those two years.

It really just feels that from January 2006 to May 2008, Harry and myself were the unwilling subjects of a massive amount of human and natural screw-ups. So much seemed like it was out of our control. And I'm just now realizing/willing to admit that I sort of blame God for that, and am just slightly angry at God for that. That awareness is both freeing and terrifying. It's freeing because I know it's a step towards complete healing. It's terrifying because I don't want to be mad at God and, as much as I tell others (and believe that) "it's OK to be angry at God. God can handle your anger. Let it out", the truth is that it just feels wrong to me...like lightning is going to strike me at any moment.

I could write more, but Nora is calling "Mama, Mama" and banging on the baby gate to her room, so I'd better go liberate her. We're planning a "Girls' Afternoon/Evening Out", complete with a trip to a local mall that has a CAROUSEL and a cool play area.

Are you Serious? Only #10??

2009-11-16T10:08:00.004-05:00

Check out this article on 15 stressful jobs with relatively low pay. "Minister" is #10 on the list.

http://money.cnn.com/galleries/2009/pf/0910/gallery.stressful_jobs/10.html

I have a "real" post percolating, but it will have to wait until Nora is napping. Right now, we're enjoying Outside Play Time in the Cozy Coupe. For the first time since Tuesday. Yeah, my life is exciting.

Happy Sabbath and Figure Skating

2009-11-15T14:29:00.005-05:00

As I've mentioned before, I'm a huge fan of figure skating, and have been for 17 years, since the 1992 Olympics. In high school, I would scour TV Guide and videotape and watch every single skating event and avidly followed the skating world. Once I began college (and didn't have a TV and also had loads of work) that obsession faded somewhat. I still kept up with it when I could (and the increased presence of the Internet helped), but it wasn't MY LIFE. Over the past eight years, I've been able to be more involved (as a spectator) with the skating world than in college, but less than I was in high school. Thanks to the advent of DVR, I can now record competitions and watch them when I have time. And thanks to the Internet and modern technology, I can follow competition results in real time.

Today, I'm watching Skate America, specifically the ladies' free skate. In case you've been under a rock the past few months, the Winter Olympics will be held in Vancouver in February. The United States typically does fairly well in figure skating; almost always winning at least two medals. Our stellar event is the Ladies' figure skating competition, in which we have medalled EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. since 1948, with the one exception being 1964, three years after the US lost its entire elite figure skating team in a horrific plane crash. Most of the medals we've won in Ladies Figure Skating have been gold: 1956, 1960, 1968, 1976, 1992, 1998, 2002. And we have (as long as I can remember) had at least one woman who had a Very Good Chance of being the gold medalist, even if she wound up with silver or bronze instead (Nancy Kerrigan, Michelle Kwan, Sasha Cohen, Debi Thomas, etc).

This Olympic year is different, in that most of the US figure skating community is wondering exactly who to pin our hopes on in the ladies' competition...or if there's anyone who fits that role. Yes, it's technically anyone's gold medal to win or lose once the Games begin, and a dark horse candidate could come out of nowhere and win...just like Sarah Hughes did in 2002, when all the focus was on Michelle Kwan and Irina Slutskaya. But looking at the US field right now, it's hard to get very excited. We haven't won a World Championship since 2006, when Kimmie Meissner won, but she's been plagued by inconsistency and injuries since then. Ditto for Emily Hughes (two-time US medalist and 2006 Olympian). Sasha Cohen (2006 Olympic silver medalist), who has announced that she's going to attempt a comeback, had to back out of both her Grand Prix events because of injury, and she hasn't even competed in four years. Alissa Czsiny (2009 US champion) is a lovely skater with tons of potential. If she skated her best, she'd be a very strong candidate for a medal, even a gold. But her record is very inconsistent in terms of putting two strong programs together. Then there's Rachel Flatt, who is really showing promise, consistency, and growth. But she's still pretty new on the international scene; last year was her first World Championships. It will be interesting to see what happens at Nationals this year, and which two ladies wind up going to the Olympics. I'm just not very optimistic about our chances of coming home with a ladies medal.

But you know what discipline has me on the edge of my seat and excited about the Olympics? Ice Dancing! Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto have really put us on the map in terms of ice dancing. In 2006, they won the Olympic silver medal; the highest ever placement for a US ice dancing team. They are very strong candidates for the gold medal in Vancouver. And right behind them are Meryl Davis and Charlie White, who won both of their Grand Prix events by wide margins and are also good candidates for a medal in Vancouver.

The pairs competition will be fairly ho-hum for the US; I can't imagine any of our pairs getting into the top five, unless a miracle happens. The men's competition looks promising (again, from a US perspective) because Evan Lysacek (2009 World Champion) is looking very good so far this season. I could see him winning the gold if he skates his best. He's also pretty cute, even if he is about nine years younger than me (I'm 33 and I think he's 24).

I'm looking forward to Vancouver, and since I don't know the exact dates off the top of my head, I'm selfishly hoping that Junior (did I mention it's a boy! We have a name for him, but I'll call him Junior on the blog) doesn't decide to make an early entrance. My due date is March 3, and Nora was three days early, so it's possible Junior could arrive earlier. Or he could be like his father and arrive late.

On Departing a Church...

2009-11-14T12:48:00.005-05:00

Over the past few months, I read posts by several blog friends as they prepare to, and then leave a church under less-than-ideal circumstances (in other words, it's not "I feel God leading me to this new ministry setting, so let's celebrate the fruits of our ministry, cry a little, and prepare to move forward", it's more "I really need to leave this place for my well-being/that of my family or because I have no choice but to leave."

I'm sure that leaving a church is painful no matter what the circumstances, but it seems to be especially heart-wrenching and have a painful aftermath when the situation resembles the latter of the two I mentioned above. Granted, I've only left one church, and it was a "get the heck out of Dodge" situation, so it's not like I have vast amounts of experience in that area.

In my situation, less than two weeks elapsed from the time my D.S. called me (while I was in a Wal-Mart parking lot, incidentally) to say that, "these people are out for blood, it's your blood they want, and things are not going to get better if you stay until June; it will get much worse" and then proposed the "paid study leave" that turned into an unpaid family leave. I received his phone call on Tuesday, April 22, 2008 and my final Sunday was May 4, 2008.

At first, I was elated, because a) I was going to get out of there and it had been his idea and not mine, b) I was (at first) still going to receive my salary for another eight weeks, c) I would be free to join my husband and reunite our family in a brand new setting. However, over the next week or so I began to have conflicting emotions. I still sensed that I needed to leave early...or at least would pretty much have no choice by the end of things...but also struggled with the need to be gracious and take the higher road while also really wanting to throw things and cuss some people out. Because of the timing of everything (the initial phone conversation happened the day before my DS left for General Conference, our denomination-wide gathering), just about everything was done via phone or e-mail. There was pretty much no interaction between me and the congregation's leaders. My next-to-last Sunday (April 27, I think), the tension in the worship service could have been cut with a knife. There was a special Council meeting after worship (that I did not attend, because the DS pretty much advised against it), and an e-mail later that afternoon from my PPR chair, who said that they decided to "pass" on the proposal "offered by you and Rev. ____" because they didn't "see any benefit to us." They had decided to let me continue as their pastor (not like they really had any choice...) until June.

The D.S. was furious at them, because the key leaders had essentially agreed to our initial proposal, the Council meeting was supposed to be a formality, and so they essentially reneged on the deal. As he explained to me the next day, I had a choice; I could stay at SJ until the end of June (when my appointment would officially end) or I could take unpaid family leave ad interim and have the next Sunday be my final day. Well, you know my final choice; I shook the dust off my feet and left early. I took 24 hours to pray about it, and while I did wonder if I shouldn't just "tough it out" for two months, I eventually decided that the cost to my family and my own well-being just wasn't worth "toughing it out". Harry made it very clear that he wanted Nora and me away from SJ ASAP and he didn't care how it happened. I also felt that given that the entire congregation knew that I had essentially tried to leave with a severance package, things probably would be have REALLY REALLY bad for those final weeks.

I made the decision on Tuesday, wrote a very gracious letter of resignation to my PPR chair, and gave it to her in person that day. Her reaction, "well gosh, I hope you don't think we were trying to run you out of town!" Of course, I was nice, but you know what I REALLY wanted to say? Pardon my French, but it would have been this, "Oh, please, b*tch, that's exactly what you were trying to do, and we both know it."

For my final Sunday service, I stayed with the "take the high road" theme and had my Lay Leader (who made my PPR chair seem NICE in comparison-she didn't even talk to me that last day) read scripture and my PPR chair help me serve Communion. Some people knew it was my last Sunday; although there had been no formal announcement, my PPR chair had undoubtedly called my Lay Leader as soon as I left her driveway on Tuesday. My lay leader had a mouth wider than the Mississippi, and she probably called half the congregation herself ("we did it! She's leaving early!") . Of course, others had no clue until they arrived at church and either a) someone told them or b) they heard my announcement. I wrote a lovely letter to the congregation (too bad I can't find it anymore) and while I don't remember lots of it, I do remember there was one line where I said, "I may not be your pastor anymore, but I would be honored to be your friend." I preached on John 17 and talked about unity, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Finally, I prayed for the congregation at the close of the sermon. Yeah, I took the high road. I was so high above some of them, they were SPECKS.

Afterwards...nothing. Several people hugged me, one cried, and several sincerely said they had appreciated my ministry and wished me well. The rest? Either ignored me or gave empty expressions of goodwill. My PPR chair was very "nice" and made a big show over Nora and how much she'd miss her. Against my better judgment, I let her hold Nora for a few minutes.

And then we left...I took a day to pack and gather what we'd need for two weeks in Harry's one-bedroom apartment. We closed on our new house on May 16, and were moved out of the parsonage by May 21 or so. We left the parsonage IMMACULATE, mostly thanks to my cleaning lady (I had that luxury in Danville, but not here) who spent about 20 hours cleaning the parsonage after we moved out. Even the ultra-critical Parsonage Committee found nothing wrong with it.

Sometimes I regret having been SO. DANG. NICE throughout the whole leave-taking process. I feel like I repressed some emotions that I was feeling and robbed myself and them of the potential for some healing. On the other hand, if I had shared more of my emotions and been more up-front with the congregation at large of the issues at hand, that might have caused more problems.

I've really grown a lot...and experienced a lot of healing and recovery in the past year and a half. But there are still some scars, and I'm glad that I have this blog as an outlet and fellow clergy who have "been there, done that, got the T-shirt" who can offer empathy and support. My prayer is that we will all continue to move forward into the next great adventure that God has planned for us...whatever that may be.

Infuriating Things, Part 4: The Pastor is a Drain on our Finances!

2009-11-13T17:17:00.007-05:00

I had another topic planned, but Beach Walkin's post made me pause and reflect on my own experience in regards to my salary, the church budget, and the congregations' feelings towards the two.

At the tail end of the SJ fiasco, during the conversation when he proposed the paid "study leave" (that didn't happen; I wound up taking unpaid leave), my DS said that when finances get tough in the local church, people tend to begin blaming the pastor and focusing negative attention on the pastor. Gosh, I wish he'd told me that six months earlier!!!

I was appointed to SJ on a full-time basis, and thus received a full-time salary, pension, insurance, all that jazz. For the duration of my appointment, I was paid the minimum salary for my status (first a licensed local pastor, then a commissioned provisional elder) and not a penny more. My salary was fine with me, for several reasons. First, our Annual Conference has the highest or nearly the highest minimum salaries in the United Methodist Church (ranging from about 31K for a local pastor to 39K for an ordained elder in 2009). A large reason for that is because Northern Virginia is part of our annual conference, and the cost of living there is ridiculous (we're talking easily $1100 for a one-bedroom apartment). The other reason my salary was fine with me was that a) I was living in a parsonage, so my housing was "free" and b) Harry's salary was higher than mine, so we were very comfortable. Oh, and then there's the fact that I didn't go into ministry to get rich. I never complained about my salary...to the church, to colleagues, to Harry, to anyone. I would have accepted a lower salary, but I wasn't allowed to do so (churches HAVE to pay the minimum). I was being paid about what a first-year teacher with a master's degree in the region would be paid, so I thought my salary was reasonable and not ridiculously high.

I knew that my salary and benefit package took up about 45% of the church budget, but it wasn't much of an issue to the church UNTIL I got pregnant, took the eight weeks' PAID maternity leave (that is guaranteed in our Book of Discipline; I could have taken twelve weeks paid leave), and then came back "less than pulpit-ready" (my own words) after my leave. That's when things became bad...when everything I did was placed under a microscope and criticized, when they sprung a short-notice parsonage inspection on me and went ballistic over projected minor repairs, when my PPR chair told the DS that I was spending the church's money needlessly (said money was being taken from my Accountable Reimbursement fund, which was actually taken from my base salary), and when my vacation time became a Battle for the Ages, which finally led to my early departure.

The interesting thing was...we were tithing on our joint income, which meant that by the time I left, we were essentially paying 9% of the church's budget (the budget was well under six figures). My treasurer knew this, and since he was married to my PPR chair and I knew the sort of relationship they had (very few secrets), I know that she knew how much we gave to the church. We certainly didn't mention it to anyone else, but it made me furious when she began accusing me of figuratively robbing the church.

I believe it is the pastor's responsibility to lead by example by being a good steward of his/her own finances and it certainly helps to not live "high on the hog" when compared with your parishioners. It's also important to be a good steward of church finances...as much as is within your control and within reason. I tried to follow both of those principles, yet I still wound up being essentially run out of town.

I wish the congregations...especially Councils and Finance committees...understood that having a pastor who is anything beyond supply is going to be a significant investment, at least if a congregation wants to use integrity and compassion in the hiring process (even a part-time pastor should, in my opinion, be offered at least an allowance toward health insurance and some sort of pension). And I also wish that congregations would be willing to look in the mirror from time to time and accept some of the blame for poor finances/stewardship. Don't give $50/month, complain about living on a fixed income, and then show up in a brand-new car and go to Outback every week.

A Brief Break

2009-11-12T18:33:00.003-05:00

Here in my neck of the woods, we're in the middle of what the news stations are calling "The November Nor'easter." It's been raining and windy since yesterday, and basically everything (schools, local governments, military bases, etc) was closed today because of flooding concerns. Our neighborhood is fine right now, but many neighborhoods in our city are not as lucky. The rain stopped an hour or so ago, but I think it's supposed to start again and continue through tomorrow.

I am utterly exhausted, so am going to cop out of today's post and my continuation of the "infuriating things about the local church." I plan on going to bed around 8pm. Hopefully I'll feel more rested tomorrow. Say prayers that my sweet daughter lets me sleep late...or that Harry's job site is closed again, and he takes care of Nora and lets me sleep late. :)

Infuriating Things, Part 3: Unrealistic Expectations of the Pastor's Spouse/Family

2009-11-12T07:42:00.003-05:00

Based on my (albeit limited) experience, many churches (especially smaller, older, traditional ones) have unrealistic expectations of the role their pastor's spouse (and children, if there are any at home) will play in the life of the church. This ranges from their attendance at worship, to what they wear to worship, to their interactions with the congregation.

One of the major sources of conflict between SJ and me was their perception of Harry and expectations of him that he could not/would not meet. As time went on, this wound up affecting our marriage because I confess that I didn't stand up for him as much as I should have.

Harry is, by nature, a fairly shy person. He takes a while to warm up to people and feel comfortable in new situations. He does not like being in large groups, particularly large groups of people he doesn't know. He did not grow up in the church, and didn't become a Christian until the summer before his senior year of college. Therefore, he has a unique perspective on ministry and faith that stems from having spent time in "both camps", so to speak. While I was at SJ, Harry was teaching at a university that was 70 miles away, and was commuting back and forth each day. As the rookie professor in the department, he seemed to get both 8am and evening classes. meaning that there were a few days when he left the parsonage at 6:30 am and arrived back home at 9:30 pm. That information is just to give you all some sort of perspective.

As I was preparing to begin my ministry at SJ, Harry and I did have several conversations about his role at SJ. It was assumed by both of us that he would regularly attend worship and would use his gifts when he had the time and opportunity. He's very skilled with computers (undergrad in computer science, PhD in Applied Math, 10+ years of experience in software development) so we thought there might be an opportunity for him to develop a web site for the church. He's also very gifted in developing and leading Bible studies...probably stemming from his gift for teaching. Actually, he can run circles around me when it comes to leading a Bible study. Seriously. We also both expected that he would attend church events when was able to do so. Neither of us expected to face the issues we did.

The first issue that was brought up was Harry's "worship wardrobe", as I'll call it. He feels most comfortable in casual clothing and really doesn't like dressing up unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. Seriously, in eight years of marriage I think that I can think of maybe 15 times I've seen Harry in a suit...weddings, funerals, job interviews, a few special dates. It speaks of how much he likes his current job and company that he wears a tie to work each day. So, Harry typically wears casual clothes to church. He continued this habit at SJ, although he did appease me for the first few weeks by wearing a button-down shirt and khakis (I think he might have even worn a tie one week). After week three or four, he began showing up in Bermuda shorts, a T-shirt, and Birkenstocks (it was July). In the fall, he switches to jeans, a T-shirt or button-down shirt, and either sneakers or loafers. After some reflection, I simply accepted it, because he practices good hygeine, irons his clothes, wears a belt, and generally looks well-kept. And I would have no problem if anyone else walked through the door wearing that outfit, so I saw no reason to hold him to a higher standard.

Well...apparently most people didn't share my opinion. They expected Harry to wear something more dressy...I even had two conversations with my PPR chair about this issue. The second time, Harry was in the room and while he was polite during the conversation, as soon as she left (we were in the parsonage) Harry made it clear that he did not appreciate being advised what to wear to church.

The second issue was Harry's "unfriendliness", meaning his lack of initiative in making friends with the congregation. I think part of this was a comparison to the former pastor's spouse (also male) who was one of those "never met a stranger" sort of people. Harry was (as far as I could tell) cordial when people initiated conversations but did not approach many people independently. Conversely, most people did not (in my opinion) make much of an effort in engaging Harry and getting to know him. They might have been intimidated by his intelligence and education, but he's really not very arrogant and flaunting of that. He did become friendly with my treasurer (at least until his wife-my PPR chair-stabbed us in the back) and they would have decent conversations about computers and other things.

I could tell that Harry was trying his best, as much as his personality would allow. We had a couple of "open houses" at the parsonage and invited everyone over for a barbeque for the Fourth of July. The first few times the "unfriendly" issue was raised, I tried to explain what I've said here...that Harry is shy, that he's uncomfortable in new settings, and I even suggested topics of conversation that might engage him. Eventually, I just began getting frustrated/angry, because I felt like the church was setting unrealistic expectations of him and not doing their part to engage and welcome him. Of course, most attempts on cordiality and friendliness on Harry's part ended when things got really toxic my last few months.

Harry was trying...he was attending worship every week...he attended events when he could...he designed a website for the church with consultation from the Council...it just wasn't enough for them.

It seems unfair to me that in this day and age, the pastor's spouse should be held to such a high standard and that whether or not the spouse is "acceptable" to the church should impact the pastor's effectiveness.

I can't speak about the role of children, since we left SJ when Nora was only seven months old.

What are your thoughts/practices on this issue?

Infuriating Things, Part 2: Low Expectations of the Laity

2009-11-11T18:40:00.004-05:00

First off, thank you to Mary Beth for giving my previous post the shout out on the Rev Gals blog. Thanks to that, my traffic is (as of right now) five times what it normally is. Yay!

This next issue is very closely linked to "Pastor as Butt-Wiper", in that it focuses on the ridiculously low expectations laity in general seem to have for themselves in terms of their role in bringing about the kingdom of God.

As a pastor, I preached and encouraged my congregation to discover their gifts for ministry and use them. I emphasized in sermons, groups, and individual conversations that everyone has a gift for ministry, that they are important to the local church, and that simply warming a pew or having a place on the membership rolls is not an option. Even a home-bound person who cannot attend worship or participate in activities can at least commit to praying for the church in general and our prayer list on a regular basis (and I told my home-bound members that).

However, all of this fell on deaf ears, apparently. Twice, I offered a study on discovering yours gifts and how to use them. The first time, NO ONE showed up, allegedly because it was "too cold outside". Yes, it was in the 30s and windy. However, the church was heated, and I don't think it's asking too much for someone to go from their heated house to a heated car to the heated church. I can accept the "it's too cold" excuse from someone in their 70s or 80s, or with a chronic health condition that's exacerbated by cold weather, but I can't accept that sort of excuse from someone who is reasonably youngish (under 70) and who attended worship that morning. There were plenty of people at SJ who fell into that latter category. The second time I offered the same study, it was in the summer (and no, not too hot for southern Virginia-high 80s) and I had...drumroll please...ONE person** show up. However, she told me it was her third time doing this sort of thing and she was leaving on vacation in two weeks. So, it sort of fizzled out.

Another example came during my last few months at SJ, during a PPR meeting when I was trying to communicate some of my methods for ministry, schedule, priorities, etc. I mentioned that I had our shut-ins on a monthly visitation schedule. In other words, I visited (or at least attempted to visit-there were a few people who never returned my phone calls) all the shut ins once a month. From my conversations with other clergy, this is a very adequate visitation schedule, even a bit ambitious according to some. What was my PPR's (Pastor-Parish Relations Committee) response to this bit of info. Several of them said that they felt once a month was not enough. After all, I "might be the only visitor they receive." HELLO!!! That should never happen...for several reasons. First, there is one of me and 40 or so of them in worship every week. I can't be expected to do meet the social needs of every shut-in; the church needs to be the CHURCH. It doesn't take that much work to visit say, one or two people a month, even for 15 minutes. Second, my understanding is that I do not visit people simply to socialize; I have the education and experience to provide them with quality pastoral care. Sure, small talk happens, friendships develop, and social occasions arise while providing pastoral care, but that remains the focus of my ministry. The people of the church can and should "visit" to keep people company; I provide those in need with pastoral care.

Don't even get me started on how no one would help me with the bulletin or help with any sort of follow-up for visitors.

**This person was, actually, one of the most active and gifted lay people in the congregation. I think her giftedness, maturity, and enthusiasm really intimidated a lot of people. I would have asked her to go to the Expo mentioned in my previous post, but it was during the last week of school and she's a schoolteacher, so that wasn't an option.

Infuriating Things About the Local Church, Part 1: The Pastor as Butt-Wiper

2009-11-10T20:38:00.005-05:00

Since the past two posts have been devoid of actual content and since I can't sleep even though I want to (it's only 8:30 as I'm beginning this, but I'm 24 weeks pregnant and have a two-year-old with an ear infection who woke up twice last night), I thought I'd treat you to an extra post for today. Try not to injure yourself jumping up and down with joy. :)

I've been having a conversation via e-mail with one of my readers (oh, doesn't that sound impressive!) about our experiences in the local church and the likelihood of me returning to the local church as a pastor. My discern-o-meter is currently saying, "not for a few years." I began thinking of some of the reasons why I'm reluctant to return to the local church, and thought they might make a good series of blog posts.

So, for your reading pleasure (or displeasure), I present Things That Infuriate Me About the Local Church. And for the first post, I'm going to write about what I call "The Pastor as Butt-Wiper." In other words, the tendency for churches to allow/encourage/demand that their pastor do pretty much everything for them. It is most prevalent in smaller, well-established, congregations with older members, but I think it does pervade other types of churches, although I don't think it's as obvious in larger congregations.

I'll give a few examples from my time at SJ, since that's the only pastoral experience I have. It really and truly seemed like the church revolved around the pastor (me) and if most things were going to happen, I was going to have to do them. They couldn't...and didn't want to...take the initiative to function any other way.

Example #1: At a Council meeting in my first year there, there was a big discussion on "how to get more people to come to church especially young families so we have more money." Our Annual Conference (gathering of all the churches in our conference) was only two or so months away, and it just happened that year's theme was "Let's Get Growing!" There was going to be a special Evangelism Expo for two days during the conference, with exhibits, presentations, and materials on effective evangelism for churches of every size. And it just so happened that year that Annual Conference was only an hour and a half away, an easy day trip. Of course, I would be present, as would our lay delegate. However, I also made the suggestion/plea that one or two other people take the time and come up to look around to get ideas, grab some materials, get excited. My thought was (and I believe I even shared this with the group) that it would be most effective if several lay people could experience it, as well. I think I might even have promised to buy lunch for anyone who came. The response? They all (about 12 people) looked at me like I had just suggested they go to Mars, and the Council chair said, "OK, so Pastor W&H will go to this thing and bring back some ideas that might help." I dropped the issue then (although I wonder if I should have responded in some way), but I did put several notices in the bulletin (we didn't have a newsletter) with details about the event and an encouragement for a) anyone to go who wanted and b) an invitation to "hook up" with me once they arrived, in case they didn't want to go alone. The response? Nada. I don't even know if my lay delegate attended the Expo, because he certainly didn't mention anything to me. Did I mention that most of the leaders of that church were retired, still driving, and that this event was mostly during the daytime hours?

Example #2: I regularly printed notices of meetings in the bulletin. That's pretty normal, right? However, I received multiple requests from people (one man was especially insistent) that I not only remind them via bulletin of a meeting (perfectly reasonable), but that I print the names of those serving on that committee each and every time in order for them to know what meetings they needed to attend. I did do that (there will be a post on how pastors enable this sort of behavior) but I thought it was a rather ridiculous request. How hard it is to remember that you're on the Pastor-Parish Relations Committee? And this was not a "meeting-happy" church, so it's not like we were looking at even three meetings a week.

How do you feel about this issue? How do you handle it?

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Pastors

2009-11-10T08:59:00.004-05:00

Have you all seen this? I found it hysterical and while a little exaggerated, it has some truth to it. Enjoy. Try and ignore the fact that they're using traditional images of a male pastor and his wife.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyNyHLCppMA

[Note: I tried to embed the video in the post, which I've done successfully before, but it was too wide for the page??? So, click on the link instead.]

The Last One Falls...

2009-11-09T20:07:00.003-05:00

This is going to be short, because I'm tired and can't think of much else to write. Sorry.

Anyway, Nora was diagnosed with an ear infection today. Remember how I mentioned that all of us, except her, got sick during or shortly after the Disney trip? Apparently I can now say that we ALL got sick during the Disney trip, because I noticed her pulling on her ears and being fussy while we were still there. It was only this weekend that it occurred to be that maybe the ear-pulling wasn't just a random thing (as it sometimes is) and that the fussiness was still present...so not merely due to her schedule being upset. Way to go, Mom of the Year!

So she's now on antibiotics for the next ten days. Poor kid didn't take a nap today, so she conked out around 6:30. Harry is still feeling kind of yucky, so he conked out around 8. Therefore, it's just me watching "House" right now.

Gran Torino and Clergy Growth

2009-11-08T19:40:00.004-05:00

Last night, Harry and I watched Gran Torino, starring Clint Eastwood. If you've never seen it, click on the movie title for plot information. One of the major characters in the movie is a young, inexperienced, Catholic priest, and the interaction between him and Walt (Eastwood's character) was pretty neat to see. In the beginning of the movie, Walt wants nothing to do with "Padre", as he calls him, mostly because he sees the priest as young, inexperienced, and knowing nothing about life. As the plot progresses, Walt develops a good relationship with the priest and winds up teaching him a great deal about life. At Walt's funeral (yes, Walt dies at the end. Sorry for the spoiler), we can clearly see the way his interaction with Walt has impacted his ministry...for the better. I believe that the priest had an impact on Walt as well, since he finally went to confession the afternoon of his death.

One of the things I love about my vocation (be it as a parish pastor or chaplain) is being able to interact with people who are different than I am (whether by way of age, socio-economic status, race, health, etc) and for us to learn from each other. I may speak in largely negative terms of my time at SJ, but there were several "saints" who taught me a great deal about life and ministry, much like Walt taught the priest. Likewise, in the hospital setting I have had several interactions with patients that have been powerful teaching experiences.

Between my experience as a pastor and my five units of CPE, I have realized the need for us to be open to what others can offer us and teach us, even when it initially doesn't seem possible or likely that will occur.

Isn't it amazing what thoughts can spring into your head after watching a Hollywood movie?

Communion and Swine Flu

2009-11-07T07:45:00.005-05:00

The only page I got during my shift was a request for a patient to receive Communion. Since I take calls from home and the hospital pays me for three hours every time I respond to a page, I'm only supposed to come in for deaths, code blues, and crises. I left the Communion request for the daytime chaplain, who is in-house.

I was reading our local news rag online this morning, and saw this article (click for link) about churches tweaking their Communion practices because of the swine flu. I've also heard of churches tweaking their methods of "passing the peace" during worship because of the swine flu (and seasonal flu) outbreak.

Reading this makes me wonder how SJ is handling the swine flu outbreak and this year's early and active flu season. Even in normal times, the congregation at SJ was-in my opinion-paranoid about Communion and germs. They refused to take Communion by intinction to "avoid germs" (instead, we had individual glasses, which drove me up the wall) and insisted that a) I be the only person to touch the bread and b) I make a big deal about sanitizing my hands before touching the bread. Seriously, listening to the conversations at PPR meetings, you'd think people were at risk of getting the Black Plague from Communion.

I'll confess, I tend to be more on the side of "protect yourself, but don't be paranoid" when it comes to contagious illnesses and germs. I receive the flu shot every year, and made sure that Nora and I both received the H1N1 shot this year (since I'm pregnant and she's only 2, we're considered "high risk" so could get it early). I cover my mouth when I cough and my nose when I sneeze, and I wash/sanitize my hands religiously. When I'm sick, I stay home. That sort of thing. However, it never occurred to me to miss church or tweak my normal habits in order to avoid getting sick (and let's be honest; in this case most people are more concerned about themselves getting sick than about infecting others).

Call me insensitive, call me careless, but I'm glad that I'm not serving a church this year because I can see myself inwardly rolling my eyes if my church leaders were to propose suspending Passing of the Peace, Communion, or even severely tweaking it. I know the flu needs to be taken seriously. I know people have died from H1N1, even healthy people. Heck, I'm in just about the highest-risk group there is (did you know that almost a quarter of pregnant women who contact H1N1 have DIED?). However, in my experience thus far, this "flu pandemic" is not a big enough deal for me to make any significant changes to my daily life.

What are your feelings on this issue? How has your congregation responded to the threat of H1N1 and the seasonal flu? How widespread is the flu in your area?

Friday Five: All Things New

2009-11-06T12:47:00.003-05:00

The Rev Gal Blog Pals are focusing on "new" things for this Friday Five. So, here are five things that I especially like when they are new:

#1 is Snow. Although it hardly ever seems to snow anymore here in Virginia (I can't think of a single substantial-3" or more-snowfall in the past three years), I just simply love the look of a world that is blanketed in new snow, with no footprints or tire tracks yet.

#2 is Babies, specifically other peoples' brand new babies (not that I don't love my own, but there's something about being able to hand a newborn back to Mom or Dad). There's something about holding and/or gazing at a baby that is only a day or two old. It makes me feel closer to God.

#3 is Clothes. I love seeing my newly-purchased clothes, not washed yet, and with the tags still on them. Of course, these days the clothes I buy are more often than not for my daughter and not for me.

#4 is pies, cakes, and casseroles right out of the oven. So perfect, so warm, and so delicious-looking. It sometimes seems a shame to break that perfect visage in order to eat it.

#5 is Puppies. So snuggly, small, and soft...even the giant breeds are small at six weeks old or so.

I'm on-call tonight and if I get any pages (which I hope I will, since I don't really get paid unless I receive and respond to a page), tomorrow's post will probably mention that. In the meantime, TGIF!!

Sabbath Time

2009-11-05T19:48:00.004-05:00

We went to Disney World last week. It was our first vacation in over three years. The last vacation we took was pre-Nora, in August 2006. We went to Chincoteague, which is also where we honeymooned.

We went to WDW with some good friends of ours, another couple who have a nine-month old son. They're big Disney fans, own a Disney Vacation Club timeshare, and go down there at least once a year. Since this was our first family trip there (Harry had never been, and the last time I went was about 15 years or so ago), it was nice to be in the hands of "pros". We ate well thanks to their planning and knowledge (table service for dinner, counter service for breakfast and lunch), stayed at a deluxe resort (they used their timeshare points), and were able to get in touch with our inner children. We had fun.

It was not an ideal vacation for several reasons, the main one being that all of us, except for Nora, got sick during the vacation. Harry and Joel (husband of other couple) both came down with a stomach bug early in the week. I came down with an upper respiratory virus on Thursday. Melissa (wife of other couple) and Josh (their son) both were diagnosed with H1N1 within 48 hours of arriving home. Then there's the fact that Harry's idea of a perfect vacation is doing As Little As Possible and five days in Disney World doesn't really mesh with that dream. In addition it was Hot As Blazes in central Florida, meaning highs in the high '80s with 50% humidity. Finally, I was 22 weeks pregnant (we had been planning this trip for over six months before I found out I was pregnant) and therefore couldn't go on several of the exciting rides.

However, all the not-ideal caveats aside, I had fun (I'm not going to speak for Harry, although I think he did have some level of fun since he wants to go back) and found myself feeling refreshed and renewed when we returned (aside from the URV that was making me miserable). It was nice to get away from home, spend time together as a family, and do something different together. It's something I want to do again, and relatively soon...as in within the next 12-18 months.

I'm beginning to realize just how important "sabbath time" is to my emotional and psychological well-being. Whether it's a vacation, an afternoon spent with friends, or a day spent reading novels and watching reruns of "House" and "Grey's Anatomy", time off from the daily grind (even when it seems like I "can't afford the time") really makes a positive difference, whereas not doing so only makes things worse.

Harry took this week off work to "recover" from Disney, although of course he's using this week to recover from gastroenteritis and a sinus infection. So we've had extra family time together, which has been nice...in spite of all the illness.

We'll do some sort of vacation next year, but the one that I'm really looking forward to planning is in 2011, for our tenth anniversary. It will be kid-free. I'd love to go to Hawaii, but I don't think we can afford it, even with almost two years to save. Any ideas for a nice, relaxing vacation (doing as little as possible) preferably on or near a beach?

Doing a Unitarian Funeral Service: The Final Result

2009-11-04T20:53:00.004-05:00

Three months ago, I led my grandmother's memorial service. Since she was Unitarian (and fairly secular, at that) and I am United Methodist, I was a little unsure of how to proceed, what readings to use, etc. Here is pretty much the final product, although we did add two traditional UU hymns that my aunt insisted on and that no one really sang. I don't remember what they were, so I kept them out of this. My grandmother had four daughters (all of whom were present), five grandchildren from her first marriage (two of whom were present; that would be me and my cousin who did a reading), three stepdaughters (one of whom was present), and four grandchildren from that marriage (one of whom was present).

A Celebration of the Life of __________

August 1, 2009

Gathering music

Greeting/Opening words (2 minutes) Rev. Wounded & Healing

Musical selection #1 (5 minutes)

Readings (10 minutes) Ms. Youngest Granddaughter

Mrs. Daughter #3
Mrs. Daughter #4

Life is Eternal by Bede Jarrett, O.P. (see below)
A Native American View of Death Anonymous (see below)
Two poems Written by Daughter #3
Wake by Langston Hughes

A Native American View of Death

I give you this one thought to keep...
I am with you still, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone --
I am with you still, in each new dawn.
Life is Eternal
Life is eternal and Love is immortal and death is only a horizon, and a
horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. ~ Fr Bede Jarrett, OP
Wake
By Langston Hughes
Tell all my mourners
To mourn in red --
Cause there ain't no sense
In my bein' dead.

Musical Selection #2 (five minutes)

Reflections and memories from loved ones (10 minutes)

Person #1
Person #2
Person #3

Meditation (two or three minutes) Rev. W & H

Musical selection #3 (five minutes)

Closing/Departing words (one minute) Rev. W & H
Bear witness to the love of God in this world, so that those to whom love in a stranger, may find in you most generous friends.

Departing music

A few notes/explanations:
-The musical selections were Irish tunes and show tune medleys.
-People from my grandmother's church and community provided the reflections/memories.
-My meditation was fairly personal, with a universal application
-The service was very secular; the only time I mentioned God was in the benediction. I felt that benediction fit my grandmother too well to NOT do it.
-We had about 75 people at the service, and it was designed to be an informal, relaxed service. It was Florida in the summer, after all.
-The service lasted about 45 minutes, which was perfect. Not too long, but long enough to give tribute to 92 years of living.

If you have any questions or ever want advice, feel free to e-mail me!

From Kansas to Oz...

2009-11-03T19:06:00.005-05:00

I've decided that switching from one hospital system to another as a chaplain is sort of how I imagine it would be like if I moved to England from the U.S. Many similarities, but also many differences. Same language, but different dialects/nuances. Similar, but different, cultures.

At the end of August, my CPE residency year ended and I immediately began a job as a PRN (as-needed; very part-time) chaplain at another local hospital system. I'm on-call one night a week (usually Fridays) from 9pm to 10:30am and occasionally (maybe once or twice a month) get called in to work a regular shift if one of the regular staff is away for vacation or illness. There are four of us PRN chaplains and we're actually shared by two hospitals in the same system, about nine miles apart from each other.

While I love chaplaincy and really like my supervisor and the other staff members, it's been a fairly major transition for me, and I didn't expect that. Sure, the actual work is pretty much the same; offering spiritual and practical support to patients and families. However, BSHR has different policies and procedures than RRMC did, even in the pastoral care role. Actually, we're called "Spiritual Care" at BSHR while RRMC was "Pastoral Care."

A few more differences:
-Loads more documentation is required. At RRMC, I filled out a "stat sheet" once a week, detailing how many patient, family, and staff visits I made, as well as how many deaths I attended, how many Advance Directives I helped with, etc. When I was on-call, I entered each page I received in a log book, with a brief description of the incident including the time and location. At BSHR? We have a computer-based system, and I make a detailed assessment for each patient/family interaction and then print out a chart note at the nurses station. On average, it takes me 10 minutes to document each patient/family interaction, sometimes more. I also need to document the time I spend with patients and charting. I see the benefits of it, but it's been a learning curve.

-Some of the terminology is different. For example, I have twice gotten paged for something called a "Rapid Response" or "Stemi Code." Apparently it's an early intervention method to prevent a "Code Blue" (cardiac arrest) from occurring. I'm sure this happened at RRMC, but I was never paged for it, so I had NO CLUE when I first heard about it.

-Different priorities. RRMC was a secular hospital, and BSHR is Catholic. We have prayers over the PA system twice a day, there is a VP of Mission, and at orientation they spent 15 minutes explaining what it means to be a Catholic hospital, informed by the teachings of Jesus, emphasizing vocation, even encouraging us to pray with patients. That's nice, since sometimes I felt pastoral/spiritual care was not a priority of the administration at RRMC. However, at RRMC we made a conscious effort to offer prayer to every pre-surgical patient and there is no such effort at BSHR.

-Different facilities and accomodations. At RRMC (which is a Level 2 trauma center), the ER has a very nice, large, "meditation room" for families and loved ones to gather during traumas/emergencies/deaths. It was off the beaten path and allowed the medical staff to have a private place to speak with families (for good news and bad news) and allowed families a quiet place to gather/wait/grieve. At one of the BSHR hospitals, there is a very small consult room that is right in the thick of things. At the other BSHR hospital I work at, there is no such room. Ironically, this is the ER that has recently been renovated.

There's more...but my tired brain can't think of them right now. Maybe more tomorrow?

I'm feeling better today...I even made it out of the house to do a few errands, cleaned up the kitchen, and did two loads of laundry. Harry is feeling better, too, but he's still staying home from work tomorrow.

All Saints and Illness

2009-11-02T18:44:00.004-05:00

On Friday night, we returned from a five-day trip to Disney World. I'll write more on the trip, but suffice to say that it was slightly marred by illness. Harry was recovering from a sinus infection and then came down with a stomach bug on our second full day. I came down with a cold on Thursday, our final full day. By the time we returned home, I was pretty miserable and by Saturday morning it had moved into my chest. Harry is still feeling under the weather and apparently has a virus of some kind. We're both feeling rather rotten. On the bright side, Nora appears to be feeling fine.

Anyway, it wasn't until about halfway through yesterday that I realized that it was All Saints' Day. This year, I've had three people in my life die. The first was Jack, a lovely man I went to Licensing School with and served on the same District for two years. The second was my friend Jim, another clergy friend. He and his wife (who is serving my former parish) were good mentors to me during my time at SJ. The third person was my grandmother, who died in July at the age of 92. This past weekend, my mother and her three sisters were down in Florida to inter and scatter my grandmother's ashes. Her wish was the half of her ashes be interred in her church's memorial garden, and the other half be scattered over the Gulf of Mexico. I don't know if they (meaning my mom and aunts) intentionally planned to do this over All Saints' weekend, but they did.

I am thankful for Jack, Jim, and Nani, and the way they touched and enriched my life, and the lives of others while they were on this earth.

NaBloPoMo, Here I Come!

2009-11-01T22:49:00.003-05:00

In a fit of insanity, I signed up for National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo for short) a few weeks ago. It's for the entire month of November, and I'm supposed to post something on my blog every day in November.

Why did I do this? Because as you may be able to tell, I've sort of gotten out of the habit of posting regularly. Part of the reason is that I feel like I have nothing to share right now, or at least nothing of value. By "nothing of value" I mean nothing deep or thought-provoking. Another part of the reason is that I am-believe it or not-fairly busy what with being in my second trimester of pregnancy, chasing a two-year-old all day, trying to keep the house in order, and all that jazz. OK, and then I'm just plain lazy.

However, I've found that writing can be a good outlet for me, so I thought I'd try NaBloPoMo as a month-long discipline and see what fruits it produces. I'm not going to promise mind-blowing content each day. In fact, here are a few of the topics I'm planning on writing about:

Being pregnant the second time around
All Saints reflection (one day late, for reasons of illness)
Our recent trip to Disney World
Adventures in hospital chaplaincy
How I managed to get myself and my daughter vaccinated against both seasonal and H1N1 flu before November 1.
The joys of raising a two-year-old.
What it's like to have bronchitis while pregnant AND allergic to penicillin and cephalosporins.
Figure Skating commentary

As you can see, not mind-blowing content. Not theologically sophisticated. However, you never know what God will do with our raw material. :)

Of course, we returned from Disney World on Friday night with me having a cold and Harry having sinus and stomach issues. Nora, of course, is fine. I'm pretty sure my cold has turned into bronchitis, and it's thanks to a bout of coughing that I was on my laptop at 10:30 pm (instead of in bed) and realized, "holy crap, it's November 1! I have to write something on the blog!"

I'll try to have something of more substance tomorrow. Oh, and feel free to post a comment and pick on me if I don't have a post up by 8pm EST. I'm usually in bed by 9pm (my daughter gets up early) so if I haven't posted by then, chances are that I've forgotten.

Have a great evening, and happy All Saints' Day!