What Kind of Church Do We Want to Be?

At every Finance and Church Council meeting over the past few months, Mac has asked us, "what kind of church do we want to be?" As in, "what kind of church is God calling BT to be?" All of the issues we are dealing with revolve around vision ("it's all about vision, Patti. Vision leaks."**) and the finances are simply a good excuse to change the vision ("we can't afford a worship leader...or band members...or videos...or the community dinner that serves 100+ people every week...or the videos that wonderfully illustrate the theme of the sermon, etc, etc"). The real reason people don't want those things is because they differ from the vision THEY have for BT, and they are unhappy that BT is moving in a direction they're not comfortable with.

It doesn't matter that we've had a 20% increase in attendance over the past year. Or that we had the largest confirmation class in the history of the church. Or that our congregation is looking more and more diverse. Or that we had at least 20 visitors last week. Or that the vast majority of new members join by "profession of faith". Or that our pastor is one of the most incredible and visionary leaders I've ever encountered.

What matters to this group appears to be that they're happy with the status quo, with traditional worship and a homogenous congregation. They'd rather be financially stable and have things their way than be stepping out in faith, reaching out to the world, embracing different people and situations, and growing in love of God and neighbor. They'd rather be safe.

When I think about the question, "what kind of church is God calling BT to be?" I think of the song below. I posted the video and also the lyrics. Truth be told, I think it describes what every church needs to be...

**Mac and I have had a number of discussions about vision and leadership and what God is doing at BT. I've also noticed some things on my own, but I wanted to give credit where credit is due.

Title: All Are Welcome


Author: Marty Haugen

Copyright: 1994 GIA Publications

Verse 1

Let us build a house
where love can dwell
And all can safely live,
A place where
saints and children tell
How hearts learn to forgive.

Verse 2

Built of hopes and dreams and visions,
Rock of faith and vault of grace;
Here the love of Christ shall end divisions;

Verse 3

Let us build a house where prophets speak,
And words are strong and true,
Where all God's children dare to seek
To dream God's reign anew.

Verse 4

Here the cross shall stand as witness
And a symbol of God's grace;
Here as one we claim the faith of Jesus:

Verse 5

Let us build a house where love is found
In water, wine and wheat:
A banquet hall on holy ground,
Where peace and justice meet.

Verse 6

Here the love of God, through Jesus,
Is revealed in time and space;
As we share in Christ the feast that frees us:

Chorus

All are welcome, all are welcome,
All are welcome in this place.

For Such a Time as This, Revisited

When I met with Mac back in July, I expressed my concerns about my presence at BTUMC compromising Mac's pastoral authority/making things worse for him. He said he didn't see how that could happen. I then asked him if he wanted to set any boundaries on my involvement/actions for the rest of my time at BT, or give me any sort of guidance. He just said one thing, "think about what you would have wanted in your situation at SJ."

So, over the past few months, I've been praying about that, and I've done a few things. I wrote a letter to our District Superintendent, describing specific ways that I have seen God work through Mac at BT. I've tried to be a voice of reason during meetings, challenging people to step back and look at the big picture. I've had a few one-on-one conversations (both spontaneous and planned) with leaders in the church to hear their perspective and offer them mine. I would have welcomed any of these actions when I was at SJ.

However, you know what I would have wanted the most during my time at SJ?

To know that there was someone (besides Harry) in the congregation who cared more about me as a person than about the church. Who, if given the choice, would make a choice that would benefit me versus benefit the church. Who might be willing and able to offer a more neutral view on issues.

It is exceedingly rare for a pastor to have that sort of person in his or her congregation, probably even rarer for them to have such a person among their leadership.

I can be that person for Mac.

And I wonder if that's a huge part of the reason God has me here at BT during this season of my life and ministry.

What do you think?

Forgive Them, Lord, Because They're Utterly Clueless

I sent Mac an e-mail tonight that displayed evidence of my semi-Choleric personality. I told him that I wanted to beat him with my bare hands.

Why do I want to beat my pastor with my bare hands? It's partially my fault.

About a week ago, I sent an e-mail to Matt (Finance chair), offering some of my opinions about how to help the financial situation, especially in the area of analysis and strategy. He suggested we meet, and we decided on tonight, before another meeting we had.

I called Mac today to a) let him know what we were planning and b) give him the opportunity to say, "no, please don't" (if he had said that, I would have simply told Matt that something came up and cancelled the meeting). He gave me his blessing, I promised that I would tell him what we talked about, and that was that.

I went into this meeting with Matt optimistic that we could have a nice brainstorming session about ways to make BTUMC more financially solvent and a better place overall. I thought I might experience an attempt at triangulation, but figured we could move beyond it and focus on the main issue.

I was wrong.

If it weren't for my five units of CPE and several previous conversations with Mac, I could very easily have been triangulated and wound up joining the "side" of Matt, Ruth (Church Council Chair) and Carrie (Staff-Parish Chair). As it was, I left feeling empathy for Matt (who really is in a tough position), feeling frustrated/angry at Mac (who I think knew exactly what I was walking into), and also feeling empathy for Mac, because this situation is so very, very similar to what I experienced at SJ.

Mac didn't make it to the Endowment meeting, and tomorrow is his day off. That's good for him, because it will give me 24 hours to think and pray and reflect. However, I plan on calling him first thing on Friday morning. I won't violate anything that Matt told me in confidence, but I need to speak with Mac about some of the questions that were raised in our conversation. And confirm that he did, indeed, have a good idea what was going to happen during my meeting with Matt.

The sad things is...and the thing that perplexes me so much about human nature and about the church...is that I do believe that Matt, Ruth, and Carrie have no clue what they're really doing. Matt didn't go into our meeting consciously saying "I am going to get Patti onto our side"...in fact, he kept saying just the opposite. He just told me that he needed someone to listen to him. And so I did. He's a good man, a brother in Christ, and really does seem to have good intentions. However, at the same time, his actions are hurting and compromising the ministry of another good man, another brother in Christ, and my fellow clergy person. On the other hand, Mac isn't perfect either, and isn't without blame.

My question is, where do I go from here? I'm too far "in" to be 100% neutral...but I don't want to give myself a savior mentality and think that I can "fix" everything. I can't.

However, part of what I'm going to discern over the next 24 hours (and probably the next few days) is what God is calling me to do...and whether or not my sense that I have "peacemaking" gifts is true, and if so, how I can use them in this situation.

Prayers would be appreciated. I'll take any advice you want to give me, too.

I Tried Mac's Sermon-Writing Method for This One

Tonight, I preached at our regular Wednesday-night service. It's a pretty low-key thing; 15 people is a big crowd. Anyway, when I met with Mac about two weeks ago, he shared some of his sermon-writing strategy with me. I used it for this one, and I felt pretty happy about it. Let me know what you think. Sermon is after the jump.

For Such a Time As This?

If you persist in staying silent at a time like this, help and deliverance will arrive for the Jews from someplace else; but you and your family will be wiped out. Who knows? Maybe you were made queen for just such a time as this. Esther 4:13-14 (The Message)

I'm struggling with my role at BTUMC, and what God is calling me to do there.

Months ago, I promised myself and God that I would never willingly undermine or jeopardize Mac's pastoral authority. I am very aware that I am on his territory, so to speak, and I want to respect that. Thus far, I have experienced Mac as a very permission-giving pastor. He let me preach in January (without even knowing much about me), and once we joined BTUMC, he put me on the Church Council, which is the governing board for the congregation. We have it set up so that everyone on Church Council is also on the Finance Committee, so I'm on both, too.

I've gotten increasingly involved as a result...first there was the Finance Chair asking me to begin the Endowment Committee/Fund, then there was the capital campaign...and I'm also occasionally serving as the liturgist at the 8:15 service (every three months or so) and occasionally preaching at the Wednesday night service (again, every two or three months). I will probably be leading a small group this fall. With the exception of my January preaching gig and the healing service that I did while he was out of town, Mac has not asked me to specifically do anything; he has just essentially made room for me to utilize my gifts, and the rest has happened as a result of either my initiative or that of someone else.

Mac's exact words to me last December (when he told me that he had put me on the Church Council) was, "you can be as involved or not as you want. It's up to you." And so, I've gotten fairly involved, with his blessing, and I have seen no evidence that my current level of involvement bothers him. So, keep all that background information in mind, OK?

As I've mentioned before, BT is in a major major financial crunch. There's a lot of anxiety, a lot of fear, and a lot of differing opinions, including a difference of opinions between Mac and some of the key leaders. As usual, this situation did not happen overnight, and has been several years in the making. Part of it is about stewardship, but that's not everything. It's also about vision, and whether or not people have "bought into"/agree with the vision that Mac and the leaders have discerned.

Here's the thing: while I don't have any short-term solutions, I do have opinions about the root cause of the lack of giving. And I have opinions on what our first steps should be to address that root cause. A lot of my opinions fall in the vision/spirituality area. I haven't shared these opinions with anyone because I'm wondering if I should, if my doing so would threaten Mac's pastoral authority, or if God is calling me to speak a prophetic word to BT.

I believe that I am here at BT, at this time in my life and in the life of the congregation for a reason. I have been praying for the congregation and for Mac for months, and feel that my prayers have made a difference. However, I have this niggling feeling from God that I need to use my voice...but I want to do so in a way that will not come back to bite Mac or jeopardize my relationship with him. As far as I'm concerned, the whole congregation can come at me with tar and feathers, but I don't want to do anything to hurt or anger Mac.

And yes, I probably will call Mac in the next few days and talk to him about this...but I wanted to hear your opinions, too. What do you think?

Plundering the Egyptians: Finding God in Popular Culture

Yesterday, I saw the final movie in the Harry Potter series ("Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2"). It was a bittersweet experience, because while the movie was great, it also marked the end of an era that also encompassed the first ten years of my marriage.

I saw the first Harry Potter movie in November 2001, when I was a newlywed and in my second semester of seminary. I had not read any of the books, and in fact went to see the movie because I had heard so many conflicting reports over whether Harry Potter promoted witchcraft/evil or was simply a fantastic story. I wanted to see it for myself so I could make up my own mind on that issue.

By the end of the 2 1/2 hour movie, I was hooked. I was entranced. Over the next year and a half, I read the first four books and listened to them on CD. When the fifth book came out in 2003, I was on the "hold" list at the library and received one of the first copies. I read it in a day. That Christmas, I received the first five books as presents. When the sixth book came out, I pre-ordered it from Amazon and received (and read) it that day. When the seventh (and final) book came out, I was 34 weeks pregnant with Nora and at SJ. That weekend was one of the few times that I had my sermon completed and bulletin printed by Friday afternoon. The book was due to be released on Saturday, and I wanted the whole day to read it. I received it via mail around 2pm on Saturday, grabbed it from Harry's hands, and headed for the nursery and the comfy glider. I read it in five hours, and I think that was the last time I read a book (of significant length) in one sitting. I own all seven books, I've seen all seven movies, and I own most of them.

While my devotion to them is not quite as fervent, I am also a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings, the Chronicles of Narnia, and even Twilight (although I don't own the series yet, but they're on my Amazon wish list). I have glimmers and themes of the Gospel in all of them.

As I've matured as a Christian and a person, I have developed an increasing appreciation for the way God works through popular culture, and have developed an eye for "mining" popular culture for glimpses of the Gospel. Wesley called it "plundering the Eygptians."

With that in mind, I'm going out on a total limb this fall and offering a small group study at BTUMC on the Harry Potter series. If that takes off, I'll follow it up with studies on the other series I've mentioned. Rather than ignoring popular culture or embracing it without thought, I believe that we as Christians can and should engage culture and critically examine it, see how God works through it, and find lessons that we can apply to our lives and draw closer to God.

What's your take on this? Have you been part of a study on elements of pop culture?

The Honeymoon is Over

One of my seminary professors once said, "in every marriage comes the point when you wake up and realize that you married the wrong person. What you do with that realization defines the health and longevity of your marriage."

I think that statement can be applied to many relationships, including those between friends, colleagues, and pastor/parishioner. At some point, you become aware of some of the "warts" of the other party, and have to decide whether to embrace them, warts and all, or simply walk away. I tend to be an "embrace them, warts and all" person in most of my relationships.

The honeymoon is over, on my part at least, in the sense that I no longer see BT (or even Mac, for the matter) through rose-tinted lenses. Nothing horrible happened and no harsh words were spoken: I still love the people of BT and still affirm how God works through them. I still love Mac (in a collegial, friendly, still-think-he's-awesome way) and definitely affirm how God works through him. I just see the warts in a much clearer way than I did a few weeks ago.

In a way, it's fairly liberating, because now the gloves are off and I feel much more comfortable being myself. That's also kind of scary, because I can be a "call-it-like-I-see-it" kind of person when I'm comfortable with someone. For example, there was the sadist remark that I made to Mac two weeks ago. And on Wednesday, I actually told Mac that I found his response to something I said "unsatisfactory."

Earlier this week, we had a finance meeting that was fairly...tense. Actually, it was more than tense. It involved raised voices and probably some hurt feelings. Giving is down, and since we have this huge mortgage, we're struggling to pay the bills and fund ministries. So, we're having to cut the 2011 budget, and our only wiggle room is in the areas of staffing and ministries. You get the picture.

I believe that God brought Mac and BT into my life for a reason, and vice versa. I wonder if that part of that involves me being a support/voice of reason for the leaders of BT and a support person for Mac. I know he has a strong support system in place (he's shared the details of that with me), but I'm really the only person among the leaders of the church who has nothing to lose, so to speak. My only agenda is to serve God and BT and to get myself ready to return to being a pastor.

Something (Sort of) Humorous

This happened a few months ago, but I thought I'd share it here, since I still think it's ridiculous/hilarious. 

I'm on the rotation to serve as a liturgist at the 8:15 service (which is the traditional service). We normally attend the 11am service, which is contemporary. Therefore, not everyone at the early service is familiar with me and my family. Lizzie (worship person) has us do two Sundays in a row when we are the liturgist, and there are enough of us that we only do it every three months or so.

So, I do my liturgist thing for two Sundays in a row, and receive rave reviews from the congregation, blah, blah. It was fun. The next Wednesday, Mac and I meet for an hour or so in his office. As I'm leaving, his administrative assistant (who I'll call Callie) tells me that she just got off the phone with someone who asked if I was Mac's WIFE, presumably because we "looked/worked so well together." Of course, Callie corrected this individual, but I was speechless nonetheless. Mac just laughed (for the record, he is married, to a woman I'll call Helen. Helen is gorgeous and is probably a size 8 when she is bloated. She is also a lovely person, based on the limited interactions I've had with her).

Later, I sent Mac an e-mail with my delayed reaction. In case someone ever asks that again, I'll simply say, "No thanks, I prefer men my own age." Mac is over 10 years older than me. His children are grown. 

But really, I just laugh and wonder at the ridiculousness of this person's comment. During that service, we may have briefly spoken twice (for 20 seconds or less), I may have looked at him three or four times (for cues, and of course I was looking at him while he was preaching), and the only time we touched was when he SHOOK MY HAND in the back of the church, after the benediction, thanking me for helping out.

Sheesh, from all of that, where did this person get the idea that we were MARRIED?

Some Light Reading for a Friday Night...

I've been busy over the past few months, which is why I haven't posted much. Here's an update, with bullet points to make it easier for you:

• I wound up being on the Steering Committee of our capital campaign. I'm doing the spiritual emphasis, so we're organizing a prayer vigil and prayer prompts/guides for each week for the rest of the campaign. 
• I'm also the chair of our still-forming Endowment Committee. Our first meeting is at the end of this month. I figure this financial experience will help me when I go back to being a pastor.
• I'm speaking at the United Methodist Women's meeting this Monday. It should be fun, and I'm going to speak about women's roles in the church, specifically my call to ministry and the challenges and blessings that I've faced as female clergy. 
• I've met with Mac about three more times since my post back in early April. One time he initiated it (as a response to a question I asked), but the other two times I initiated the meeting, as a result of stuff that I am processing/experiencing (more on that in another post). He has been absolutely magnificent, has become a valuable mentor, and is also becoming a friend. I'm beginning to feel more comfortable with him, in the sense of feeling like his equal instead of "meek provisional elder who sucked at her first appointment vs pastor of large church with twenty years pastoral experience," which is how I felt at first. I still feel that I'm receiving more from this relationship than he is, but that's OK. I pray for him, I gave him my extra Wesley doll (when Asbury sent me two instead of one), and I frequently let him know how much I appreciate him. Oh, and I also stoke his ego by telling him that his sermon and/or the "special music" made me cry. But don't worry, I also ask him questions and have even expressed my disagreement from time to time.
• I am going to Annual Conference this year. Did I tell you that? They're offering childcare for kids 3 and older, we're staying with my mother-in-law (who will watch Walter for me) so we don't have to pay for a hotel (because I get no per diem, since I'm on leave), and I'm looking forward to seeing some clergy friends.

Happy Friday!

TRAIN PARACHUTE with LYRICS

This song and video, which Mac showed in church this morning, had me nearly sobbing. Watch it and you'll understand why...

This Makes FOUR Times in As Many Months!

That I've preached (I preached at our Wednesday night service on April 13. Very low-key). Mac has been traveling a bunch the past few weeks due to continuing education and annual conference stuff, so he asked me (well, actually, our worship staff person, who I'll call Lizzie, asked me) to preach at the monthly healing service, which was last night. Here's my sermon. I think the service went very well, and I was delighted to have the opportunity. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated. Sermon is after the jump..

Head, Heart, and the Balance Between the Two

General update: When I talked to Mac last Saturday, he pointed out that both Matt and I are fairly new to the church (within the past five years, which is new for a 230-year-old church) and he wasn't sure that dynamic was a good idea for a six-million-dollar campaign. I agreed, so I told Matt to find someone else, and he picked someone who I think is PERFECT and a much better choice than me. So, that's that. I will, however, be helping with the campaign.

During my CPE residency, one of my biggest self-realizations was how my self-confidence (or lack thereof) affects my concept of my own authority and the way I relate to others, especially those I view as being in positions of authority. In other words, I have trouble seeing myself as an authority figure and tend to have trouble "pushing back", and sometimes even just being myself, with people who I view as authority figures. In the hospital setting, I've gotten over this to a good extent, and can now "push back" with nurses and even doctors when necessary. However, I still run into this issue in other areas of my life...as I realized last week.

Last Wednesday, I met with Mac in his office. I had asked to meet so he could give me feedback on the sermon I preached on Ash Wednesday. I did get that (he basically thought it was fine, called it "tight", and said he had received a lot of positive comments on it), but we spent at least an hour talking about other things. He asked for my impressions of the church so far, and then asked me if I had any questions...particularly about the church or even about him. Golden opportunity, because I did/still do have questions. And...I sort of froze. Instead of asking the insightful questions that have been in my mind (like how he first received a call to ministry, how he prepares these amazingly creative sermons and worship services, or even mundane stuff like if he has any pets or what he does on his day off, and mentioning some of my pet peeves about the church), I...honestly don't even remember what I asked him, except for one: what his wife does for a living. Way to go, Patti. Part of what happened stemmed from my having prepared myself to receive sermon feedback, and not much else. Another part of it stemmed from the fact that (as I realized later) even though Mac generously invited me into a collegial moment and was treating me as an equal, I couldn't see myself in that light, and was therefore giving myself an internal inferiority complex.

My heart was touched and gratified that Mac was willing to be so collegial with me, but my head was telling me something else entirely...that I wasn't worthy, that any questions I asked would be stupid, and who knows what else my subconscious was thinking. Sort of silly, but it stems from my self-confidence being somewhere in the basement due to my SJ experience. I have trouble stating my gifts for parish ministry because I still have trouble believing that I am, indeed, called to be a pastor.

Keep in mind that this is all "me", and has nothing to do with Mac. He's been great, and I am very thankful that God sent me to this church and put him in my life. Of course he's not perfect (I threatened to beat him with a wet noodle last week when he took several days to respond to a voice mail, and his sermons run too long, and...), but overall, he's pretty awesome. I just need to be more confident about who God created me to be, confident about the gifts God has given me, and be myself in my conversations with Mac.

I hope all of that made sense.

Trying to Process

Just a bit of background: Mac graciously put me on the Church Council for some unknown reason (probably so I could keep my feet wet and increase my involvement, but I'm not sure). Basically, everyone who is on the Church Council is also on the Finance Committee, so I've been attending meetings for both groups.

BTUMC is currently experiencing a wee bit of a financial crunch (that's sort of an understatement). We have a large debt on our new (less than five years old) building, giving is down because of the economy, and we're not even close to making our budget. Therefore, we've been thinking of both long-term and short-term ways to stabilize our finances.

We decided to begin an endowment fund. About three weeks ago, the Finance Chair (who I will call Matt) asked me to be in charge of this endeavor. I prayed about it, and agreed to do it, despite having very little financial background. After all, I really just need to be a leader, organizer, and motivator, and I can do all of those well. There are other people on the committee who have financial background. The endowment fund has been sort of placed on the back burner (in the sense that we'll establish it this summer and begin advertising it this fall) for something else...

On the short-term side of things, we decided to do a capital campaign for debt reduction. The ten-week campaign begins in a few weeks, and the pledges will be over three years. We're hiring an outside consultant and hoping fervently that this campaign raises enough money for us to seriously reduce our mortgage and put us in a more financially secure position with our bank.

It's expected that as a key leader in the church, I will have some significant involvement in the capital campaign. However, I was blown away when my casual e-mail to Matt along the lines of, "hey, let me know how I can help" was answered with, "how about being my co-chair?" I told him that I needed 48 hours to think/pray about it.

I really like Matt, and I think that we work well together. I am fairly sure that Mac (who is one of the most permission-giving pastors I've ever known) will be fine with it, but I'm probably going to call him tomorrow just to check. It would be a lot of work, and I need to put some serious prayer into it.

But, it would be good experience, and I could certainly bring a spiritual/inspirational aspect to it that someone else might not. I'm good with people, organized when I want to be, and I have time during the day.

I just need to discern whether this is something that God wants me to do, or whether I just want to be needed and busy.

Prayers and insight appreciated, as always.

Tuesday Thoughts

Just a few random updates and thoughts:

• There's been a surprising lack of comments on my past few posts. Are you all busy? Or are my posts simply boring?
• I preached on Ash Wednesday (it sort of happened by accident, I think. Our worship person put me on the schedule, and when Mac found out, he simply let it stay that way. Nice of him, wasn't it?). Mac was there, so he served as the liturgist and I was the preacher. I think it went well, although I have yet to hear any feedback from him. 
• Have I mentioned how much I hate the comment "nice sermon" or "enjoyed your sermon"? That tells me NOTHING about how effective the sermon was. 
• Both Walter and Nora have been sick a lot over the past couple months. I have visited the pediatrician's office SIX TIMES in the past seven weeks. We've had two cases of strep, three ear infections, and a well-child visit. Then last week, Harry got a case of food poisoning. As he was recovering from that, he and the kids came down with colds. His turned into a sinus infection. I have been the only healthy member of the family.
• I continue to get more involved at BTUMC. I've now been tapped to form and lead the Endowment Committee and accompanying fund. I have no experience doing this sort of thing, but it should be interesting.
• We're doing Richard Stearns' The Hole in Our Gospel as a church-wide study for Lent. It's a very, very powerful book. I highly recommend it. 
• I gave up Facebook and Twitter for Lent. It's hard. 

What's up with you?

Sermon For Ash Wednesday

Rev. Patti W&H

Ash Wednesday

BTUMC

March 9, 2011

Joel 2:1-2, 12-17

“There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus”

-Blaise Pascal

“A Matter of Heart”

          There is a man named Blaise Pascal who lived over 400 years ago. He was a Frenchman and an absolutely brilliant mathematician whose ideas are respected and studied today. Pascal was also a faithful Christian. Like many of us, he grew up in a Christian home, and like many of us who grew up in the church, in Christian homes, his faith was mostly intellectual. Pascal believed in God and probably even went to church on a regular basis, but there was very little connection between his faith and his day-to-day life. Many of us can identify with that: we come to church each week, we sing the songs, we pray the prayers, we hear the sermons, we go to Sunday School, we go to meetings…but most of what we hear and experience remains in our heads, and doesn’t make our way to our hearts. We are not changed, our lives are not changed.

          That was certainly true for Blaise Pascal, until 1654, when, at the age of 31, Pascal was thrown from his horse and into the roadway. He took that experience as a warning from God to change his life and his priorities, and later that night he experienced God’s love and grace in a powerful way. From that moment, Pascal fell in love with God and his relationship with God took precedence over everything else, including his passion for mathematics. His heart was changed, and therefore his life was changed. He began giving sacrificially to help the poor and he published several writings about the Christian faith. Many of us know Pascal for a certain quote that is attributed to him: “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.” In other words, we all have a God-shaped hole in our hearts, and spend our lives seeking ways to fill that hole, but the only way to fill that hole is by letting God into our hearts and letting God change our hearts and our lives.

As I reflected on the story of Blaise Pascal, I was reminded of today’s Old Testament lesson. It’s from the book of Joel, towards the end of the Old Testament. Joel was a prophet, which means that he shared God’s messages, God’s truth, with the people of Israel.  In this particular passage, Joel is warning the Israelites that the day of the Lord, the day of God’s judgment is coming, and it is not a day to look forward to:  darkness, gloom, a powerful army marching on God’s people. Blow the trumpet and sound the alarm, because Doomsday is just around the corner. It’s the sort of announcement that shakes us to our core, and causes us to wonder, “is there anything we can do to prepare ourselves?”

          Joel answers that question with a resounding yes. The answer is to repent, to return to God with all our hearts, with the traditional signs of repentance: fasting (refraining from certain activities), weeping (deep emotion), and mourning (deep sadness over loss).  We repent when we make a spiritual U-turn: when we turn around and head towards God instead of away from God.  It’s what we’re doing when we confess our sins to God. But it goes deeper than  external activities, because we are to return to God with all our hearts, by “rending our hearts but not our garments”; in Biblical times, it was traditional to show repentance or mourning by tearing a hole in your garment, right in the area of the heart; sort of like this (Patti rips hole in shirt). Rending our hearts is a totally different ballgame: instead of ripping a hole in fabric, we are ripping a hole in our heart, a muscle, a vital organ, possibly the most vital organ in our body. Ripping a hole in clothing is a symbolic gesture: ripping a hole in our heart is the real deal; it’s a total life change. We are opening our hearts to God, and inviting God to come and change our hearts, and our lives. That tends to make us a little bit uncomfortable, because a heart opened up to God is a heart that is willing to love who God loves and follow where God leads, even though we will move outside of our comfort zone, even though we will experience pain, even though we will experience great and scary change in our lives. Bob Pierce, the founder of World Vision, once said, “let my heart be broken by the things that break God’s heart.”   A changed heart sees people through God’s eyes and sees the world through God’s eyes, and sometimes what God sees in this world is heart-breaking. When our hearts are changed by God, when our hearts are broken by what breaks God’s heart, our lives are transformed so that we, as individuals and as a community, look and act more like Jesus every day, so that we can be God’s agents of change in the world.

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of our Lenten journey. At the beginning of this service, we all wrote a commitment down on a slip of paper. Maybe it was to give something up for the next forty days, maybe it was to take something on for the next forty days, maybe it was for both. In a few minutes, the ashes from those commitments will be placed on our foreheads, in the shape of a cross. We will hear the words, “from dust you are made, and to dust you shall return.” Those words and this day remind us of our place in this world. They remind us that God is God, and we are not God, that we are mortal. That someday, the things of this world will pass away, and all that will be left will be our relationship with God, as individuals and as a community, and the fruits of that relationship. As we already know, it is so easy to simply go through the motions of our spiritual life, even to go through the motions of Lent. It is easy to fill that God-shaped hole in our hearts with distractions of this world: possessions, activities, friends, family, and even ministry. Yes, even ministry can distract us from our relationship with God. This Lent, as we journey towards the cross and journey towards Easter, let’s make it our goal as individuals and as a community to engage in self-reflection, to examine what might be keeping us from a deeper relationship with God, what we might be using to fill that hole in our heart that only God can fill. Let’s make room in our hearts for God to come in and change our hearts and change our lives so we can change our world with God’s love. Safiya Fousa, who is part of the General Board of Discipleship of the United Methodist Church, describes today this way: The gift of the day is personal reflection, a season of confession, and change. Start the arduous journey from shadow to substance, from ritual to reality, from façade to faith. Today, choose the harder course. It is easier to buy new clothing than to mend a soul.

It is easier to buy new clothing than to mend a soul. Today we begin a journey, lasting forty days, that gives us the opportunity to walk with Jesus to the foot of the cross and be transformed forever by His love and grace. It’s a  long journey, a painful journey, but a journey that we do not go on alone. We are surrounded not only by God’s love and grace and promise to never leave us or forsake us, but also by each other. We are on this journey with others who are rending their hearts, who are creating space for God, who are allowing God to change their hearts and lives.

          We will leave this place with our foreheads marked with a sign of repentance. Let us also leave here having opened our hearts to God, and invited God in to enlarge our hearts, to change our hearts, and to change us, so that this Lent, we can be transformed as individuals and as a church community, so others will see God in our midst and be changed as well.

Sadism, Masochism, and Homiletical Brilliance, Oh My

I was tempted, so tempted, to stomp up to Mac this morning after worship, bop him over the head with my bulletin, and call him a sadist while also proclaiming him to be possibly the most effective preacher that I have ever experienced.*

Ahem. However, I did not do that. There were two reasons, really. First, I really didn't know how he'd respond to that sort of comment and the bopping over the head action. Second, I just don't have the personality to engineer that sort of confrontation. Instead, I settled for a LOOK as passed him in the hallway, told him that Wesley would have really liked that sermon, that I would like it as soon as I processed it, and that I was in tears for most of the sermon. Then I said, "hope you have a good week" and sincerely meant it.

So, today God graduated to a Mack truck from a 2x4. I began crying about two sentences into the sermon, had a few moments of respite, but cried through most of it. Seriously, it was like Mac was preaching JUST TO ME, even though I know that's not true, because there are 350 other people who hear his sermons every week.

There are things I realized during that sermon (which was on Matthew 5:21-37) that are largely non-bloggable, so I'm not going to be able to share my specific revelations. Suffice it to say, it carried me even further on the journey to complete healing.

*I mean that from a subjective point of view, in the sense that no other preacher's sermons have elicited the sort of visceral reactions in me that Mac's sermons do. However, if I were to evaluate them from a completely objective point of view, I wouldn't think they were that great. Make sense?

Open Heart Surgery...Without the Anesthesia

When I was in seminary, a lot of people referred to the process of major spiritual change as "open heart surgery without the anesthesia." As in, God replacing our old heart with a new one, without the benefit of pain medication. It's a hard and painful process, but very worth it in the end.

That's what I'm going through right now...for the first time since seminary. It's part of my healing process, and it's gratifying to know that by embracing the pain and following God's will for my life, I am speeding the healing process along.

I met with Mac this morning, and it went really well. I told him the gist of my parish experience and the struggles and healing I've experienced since then. He listened, offered some helpful feedback, and prayed with me. No miraculous sense of peace, but a strong sense that I am where I need to be and am doing what I need to be doing. And also a strong sense of gratitude that God led me to this church, and to have Mac as my pastor, whether that be for the next four months or 16 months. He doesn't know if he's moving or not, but should know in the next few weeks. For my sake, I hope he doesn't (a new pastor might be a wild card where I am concerned: he/she could be very supportive or be threatened by my presence), but of course most of all I want God's will to be done, and that would be what is best for the congregation, for Mac and his family, and for the annual conference. We shall see what happens.

I don't think that the God 2 x 4's that I've been receiving via Mac's sermons will end anytime soon. That's OK. I'm willing to endure 4-16 months of 2x4's if they will lead me to full healing.

On Being Transparent

In terms of the healing thing...I'm almost there. I was doing great until I made the mistake of checking Facebook of Wednesday night, after I posted the last blog entry. The Board of Ordained Ministry met this week and a number of my clergy colleagues (who I was commissioned with in 2007) were joyfully announcing the good news of their impending ordination. A bunch were ordained last year, but this represents the bulk of the rest of my class of provisional elders (some were deferred last year, and approved this year). I am so, so happy for them. I really am. I'm proud of all the work they've done to get this far, the fruit that God is bearing in their lives, and will proudly stand up for them as they're being ordained in June (whether I'm at Annual Conference or watching on the computer via live streaming video), just as I did for the first batch last year.

But, it hurts just a little bit to be left behind and to not be where I thought I would be at this point. Sure, I believe I'm where I need to be right now, and I know that God is working in my life, blah, blah. But there are days when I wonder when it will be my turn to go before the Board (I have two more years of full-time service before I can even apply for ordination), to get that phone call, to be elected as an elder in full connection, to place my hands on the Bible and have the Bishop ordain me, and to feel that stole go around my neck for the first time.

On Friday, I finally broke down, called Mac, and told him I wanted to meet with him. I'm coming into the office on Monday morning, after I drop Nora off at preschool (which is at our church). We should have almost an hour to talk, and I plan on at least sharing some of the pain, victories, and healing of the past four years or so. And then...I don't know. I'm hoping that sharing it with him, and praying about it with him, will help bring some closure and healing. At the very least, he'll know more of my story. And maybe I'll know more of his, too.

And maybe, if I'm really lucky...he'll tell me if he's moving in June or not.

Thank God Almighty, I'm Free At Last...

Oh my gosh, y'all, there are no words to adequately describe what I'm experiencing and feeling right now.

Well, yes, there is one word: PEACE.

After almost three years, one CPE residency, a year with a pastoral counselor, two years of blogging, and countless crying bouts and prayers, I think I may have reached the point of true healing from not just SJ, but all the turmoil of the last few years.

I helped Mac (my pastor) out at the healing service tonight. It was wonderful, really. I did wear the robe, incidentally. Mac also gave me the impression that he might let me do it solo sometime, which would be cool.

Speaking of Mac, he had better be glad that I have five units of CPE and a well-developed ability to compartmentalize my emotions, be a non-anxious presence, etc. Because if I didn't? I would have been a crying heap on the sanctuary floor, and no use to him at all.

He preached on the 8th chapter of Mark, on the passage where it takes Jesus two tries to heal the blind man. The first try sort of works, but not really. It’s the second try that does the trick. And I don’t remember much about the sermon, just that I got this warm, fuzzy, I’m-gonna-cry feeling and it felt like Mac was preaching JUST FOR ME. Except there were 30 other people in the room, too.

And then…there was Communion. I don’t think I’ve served Communion since my last Sunday at SJ. I’m not talking about being the celebrant: I mean even handling the elements. And the sanctuary at OG is so much like SJ’s. And the congregation reminds of SJ…in the best possible way. Sort of like how things COULD have been.

So, the service ended, Mac thanked me, I thanked him for letting me help, I took off my robe, and went home. He was still talking to some people, and I a) wanted to get home and b) figured that he would want to get home.

But now…I can’t sleep. It’s a good thing. I feel peaceful, so much so that I’m still in tears. I don’t know the last time I felt this good. Maybe I just want to treasure it for a while?

Maybe I should change the name of this blog to “Wounded and Healed”?

To Robe or Not to Robe, That is the Question

Our Congregational Care staff person called me yesterday to see if I could help with tomorrow's healing service (we have a healing service once a month with Communion and anointing oil). She normally helps serve Communion, but can't because she broke her wrist. I just talked to my pastor, and am pretty excited about it. He's preaching, and my main role will be to serve Communion, while he prays with and anoints anyone who stays behind after taking Communion. I may assist with some other part of the service, too. I haven't seen a bulletin, yet.

I'm deciding whether or not to wear a robe. He mentioned that I could, then mentioned that P (the normal staff person who helps him) always just wears street clothes (she's a lay person), but then said, "if you want to robe, that's great, if you don't, that's fine, too." It sounds like he's really OK with either option, so I'm deciding what I want to do. Any thoughts?

I haven't heard about the chaplain job, so I'm assuming I didn't get it. That's fine, really. Harry and I talked about it on Friday night, and we both felt that it just might not be the "right fit" for our family. For starters, I would have needed to find childcare for both kids, one day a week. Do you know how difficult it would be to find an affordable option?

Oh, and in other news, I'm officially on the schedule to preach at our regular Wednesday night service (the first Wednesday is a healing service, and Mac preaches. The other Wednesdays, our lay speakers and now me, take turns preaching.) and as a liturgist for the 8:15 service. Yay.