My Final Self-Evaluation for the Residency

1. Describe your understanding of the strengths and limitations of your ministry.

Strengths: I am authentic, transparent, self-aware, enthusiastic, compassionate, love people and hearing their stories, am open to personal change and transformation, preach and lead worship effectively, and am flexible/collegial (I don't need everything done my way, and I don't mind "out of the box" thinking/doing). I am also persistent when I want to be.

Limitations: I'm still seeking a good balance between: head and heart (as Doug told me once, my heart leads me to be compassionate, but my head leads me to maintain distance and I tend to rely upon my head); spontaneity and intentionality (I tend to fly by the seat of my pants, and am realizing that I can't be the person I want to be and not be intentional/deliberate about certain areas of my life); and pleasure and obligation (if I spend too much time doing "fun" stuff and am not productive enough, then I get consumed by guilt and overwhelmed. Likewise, if I spend too much time working/doing housework/whatever, then I lose any sense of fulfillment and run into exhaustion and resentment). I also struggle with the "tyranny of the they", meaning I often allow the opinions/perceptions of others guide my decisions, actions, and self-perceptions more than I would like. I do feel like I've grown in all these areas over the past year, especially the final one.

2. Describe your ability to provide ministry to a variety of people with particular attention to cultural and ethnic diversity, social conditions, systems, and justice issues, which may differ from your own.

I now realize just how much our own experience/culture informs how we view and interact with the world and those in it. My experience working with different families/patients (particularly those living in poverty or near to it), hearing/reading about the Tuskegee Experiment and the horrors of that, and encountering a young man who possesses incredible gifts for ministry yet is also an "open and out" homosexual, have all played a key role in this realization. As a pastoral care provider, I have a desire, an ability, and a duty to care for people who are different from me, but know that I may need to make adjustments in my method/role depending on the needs of the individual or family. One priceless lesson that I have learned is how important it is to HEAR peoples' stories, validate them and the feelings associated with them, and seek to understand where the other person is coming from before passing judgment (if any). I have a growing desire to work with people in order to bring about lasting change in individual lives and communities. I believe that so many cases of alcohol/drug abuse, poverty, and violence are largely due to systemic/cultural issues that contribute to poor choices on the part of an individual, not the other way around. I want to help empower individuals and communities, because I think a sense of powerlessness is part of the problem.

3. Describe your ability to make use of a variety of pastoral skills.

One of my biggest areas of growth this unit has been an increased confidence in, and use of, my own instincts. Instead of allowing my head to rule and my heart to follow along, I feel I am experiencing more and more moments when I follow my heart while being informed by my head. When the latter occurs, I have had moments of great personal fulfillment and a sense of effectiveness as measure by my own senses and by reactions of patients, families, and colleagues. For example, during a recent conversation with an 80-something woman who was moaning, "why don't I have any friends? How can I get friends?" I began to think of solutions to her problem and suggest them to her (head! she was asking a question! I was giving an answer!) only to immediately discover on my own that she didn't want answers right then, she wanted someone to BE a friend and listen to her. So, I listened for an hour, prayed with her, and offered appropriate questions/feedback when the time was right. It was one of my best visits ever, and at the end of the visit, she was calm and told me I had been her "angel." Up until recently, I believe that I possessed adequate, even good, pastoral skills. However, beginning to conquer this mountain has given me a confidence to USE those skills and therefore be more effective.

4. Describe your ability to provide specific pastoral care based on your understanding of behavioral science and theology.

I found this question hardest to answer, and saved it for last. I think that's ironic given the amount of attention I've paid to family systems over the past few months. I feel like I am able to observe and identify the basic workings of a specific family system, and provide pastoral care based on those observations. I have learned that depending on the system, a family may grieve and respond to death/crisis/tragedy in different ways. I feel that my role is to learn how that system works and meet them where they are, offering a different perspective at the appropriate time. In other words, to work as an agent of change and healing in a family, without imposing my own agenda on them. A lot of learning in this area occurred when my grandmother died, and I found myself crying beforehand, dry-eyed when I initially got the news, and telling people, "well, she lived to be 92, had a great life, we knew this was coming, at least she's not in pain anymore"...all things that drive me crazy when others say them, but they really were comforting to myself and my family. Observing the different ways my family and James' family handle grief has showed me that there is no "right way" or "wrong way" to do so...within reason, of course. In my own family and others, I have seen evidence of God's redeeming work within the dysfunction of a system, mostly thanks to individuals who were courageous enough to realize the need for change and make those changes.

5. Describe your ability to be accountable, productive, self-directed, and clear in your communication with others.

I believe that I have experienced significant growth in this area, although it remains a "growing area" for me, and probably will for some time. My growth has come in my willingness to a) admit this is a growth area, b) express a desire to change and explore the "whys" of this particular area, and c) understand that this goes way beyond buying a Palm Pilot and making lists; it's much, much deeper than that. I will say that I feel that my communication with others has improved this unit, particularly in my marriage, but also with my colleagues and supervisor. I'm beginning to realize that people can't read my mind and even those who know me very well can't always sense what's going on in my life...unless I tell them. I also believe that a lot of my current and future growth in this area revolves around being intentional and deliberate in both my personal and professional lives in order to accomplish what needs to be accomplished and on time to boot. Otherwise, my life controls me, when it ideally could be the other way around.

6. Describe your ability to make use of self in ministry with particular attention to emotional availability, appropriate self-disclosure, use of personal power, non-anxious presence, and responsible boundaries.

In some ways, I feel like being pregnant for about half of this unit and experiencing the decline/death of my grandmother both impeded and enhanced my growth in this area. Impeded because I was exhausted/nauseous so much of the time, was experiencing anticipatory (and then actual) grief, and really had to struggle to "be here" emotionally and physically. I tried not to let all the above affect my performance/participation, but I'm sure it did to a certain extent. Enhanced because I was committed to truly being present, was intentional at using the commute to work through emotions, and really made conscious efforts to acknowledge my emotions and the source of them, but not be controlled by them. As I've mentioned before, one of my proudest moments of the past year came when I held it together for two hours immediately before and during my grandmother's memorial service (which I led), despite all the emotions that were coursing through me, and heard my cousin say that she felt nothing but strength and peace coming from me. I don't think I could have done that (being a calm, non-anxious presence in that setting) a year ago. As my self-confidence has increased, I am much more confident establishing and enforcing boundaries, practicing appropriate self-disclosure, and using my personal power in a positive manner. I believe that parenthood has contributed a great deal to this growth; raising a toddler has opened my eyes to the necessity of boundaries ("no, we do not pull Mommy's hair") and to my power/influence as a parent, which for me transcends into my professional life.

7. Describe relationships with peers, and evaluate each peer.
The residents: I have thanked God many times since September for giving me such great colleagues. Thank you so much for speaking the truth in love, even though sometimes you needed to hit me over the head with it. I have appreciated your honesty, affirmations, critiques, and friendship.

The interns: as a group, you all have inspired and convicted me with your enthusiasm, gifts for ministry, initiative, creativity, and just being wonderful people overall. You have driven me to be a better person and therefore a better chaplain, and I am very grateful for that.

Note: individual evaluations have been deleted by me.

8. Describe relationship with supervision and evaluate supervisor.

Supervision: Having had one other supervisor (also very good) prior to beginning the residency, it took me a while to become used to Henry's slightly different supervisory style. With him, supervision is more like a conversation and the responsibility for direction lies equally with the student, especially during the later units. Once I realized that he did not have a secret passage in his office that led to the woodshed, I began to look forward to supervision as a time to bounce thoughts and ideas off of him and receive feedback on those thoughts. With very few exceptions (always related to me, not him), I have always left supervision feeling better and being clearer than when I began.

Supervisor: I'd say that I want to be Henry when I grow up, but I don't think I want to be a CPE supervisor, so there you go. I have spent many hours thanking God that I was able to have Henry be my supervisor for this residency. He was exactly what I needed at this time in my life and ministry. After having so many authority issues, it has been such a blessing for Henry to encourage me to use my own judgment and exercise my own authority (within reason, of course).

9. Describe relationship with other professionals.

I have enjoyed working as a team member in the ER, ICU, CCU, and with Palliative Care. Those are the settings where I have felt most like a team member and less like an independent contractor. My biggest authority issues in the past have been with ER staff, but I have received so few ER pages in the past few months that I haven't encountered any issues in that department. I have really enjoyed going on ICU rounds on Fridays when we don't have seminars and hearing the perspective of other disciplines on a patients care. I think one of the best examples of my growth in working with other professionals occurred a few months ago, when I was paged to a terminal extubation. The family was present, and death was expected to occur fairly quickly. Instead, when they extubated the patient, she woke up and within a few minutes was gasping for air (no oxygen, just room air) and clearly agitated. This made the family agitated, of course, because they were not expecting this. To make a long story short, I relayed the family's concern to the nurse and asked her what comfort measures could be put in place to make things easier for the patient/family. She wound up giving the patient oxygen through a nasal canula and a shot of Atavan (sp?). Within moments, the patient was asleep and much more peaceful, and so was the family. The nurse thanked me, explained that it was her first terminal extubation, and we had a few moments of "I couldn't do your job, but no, I couldn't do YOUR job, thanks so much" affirmations. I was careful to acknowledge her as the expert in medical care (compared to me, anyway) but knew that I had a responsibility to help her care for the patient, and show her what I was seeing.

10. Describe your ability to self-supervise.

I feel like a lot of growth has occurred in this area, just over the past few months, and I have seen the evidence in my clinical material and the response to it. Where before, Doug and the residents had to drag stuff out of me and "do my work for me", now I feel like I'm doing much more work on my own, and only rely on my peers and supervisors for insights I might have missed. I do feel so much more confident in naming my strengths, being creative, and standing by my decisions. Previously, I feel like I relied way too much on others to "show me the way" and to tell me who I was. However, now I feel that I know who I am, what I bring to the table, and where I need to improve. While I welcome feedback and input, and will continually seek arenas where I can receive it, I feel comfortable going about my professional and personal life without a "ride-along", to use Steve's terms. I think this (my confidence in self-supervision) will be tested in a matter of weeks, once the residency ends and I devote he majority of my time to being a wife and mother, with my only "colleague" during the day being a two-year-old and receiving feedback each night when my husband comes home.

11. Describe your learning goals and success in achieving them.

• To decide on a summer project
  • Met. I essentially decided that my summer project was going to focus on me, so I consider this goal to be met. I feel that this final unit has been one of great learning and realization for me.
• To decide about my immediate future, beginning September 1
  • Met. I will continue to seek a PRN/per-diem chaplain position, but will focus the majority of my time and energy on my growing family. I will continue to meet with my therapist once every two weeks for continued growth. I will speak with my D.S. about my sense of calling, and come June/July 2010 will probably seek a full-time chaplain job or a part-time parish position.
• To grow in my ability to follow my instincts, rather than "being safe."
  • Met. I have discovered that when I follow my instincts, I usually wind up with a great sense of fulfillment and joy. Realizing that provides me with motivation to go beyond "safe mode."
• To develop my ability to move beyond listening and facilitation to a deeper means of providing pastoral care
  • Met. I feel like a lot of this growth has occurred outside of the hospital (in my marriage, with family and friends), but I've learned the lesson that who I am as a person very much informs who I am as a pastoral care provider. A big part of this growth came when I realized how much I feel cheated when friends/colleagues merely enable me and offer sympathy instead of speaking the truth in love.

For the Rest of the (Evolving) Story...

So, remember my posts about Luther, his sexuality, and my grapplings with it in terms of my ministry and views? I'm sure that you've been on the edge of your seats, wanting to hear more. Or maybe not, because you have a LIFE. Anyway, here's what I wrote about him in my evaluation of each peer. I think it speaks for itself:

Luther: I'll confess that when I first suspected you were gay, my thoughts went something like this, "oh Lord, what are you doing?" In other words, I sensed that I was about to have a crisis of theology/ethics/etc. And I did, but I think I'm on the other side of that now, and you've been a positive force through that journey. Thank you for being so responsive, authentic, proactive, and transparent. Because of those qualities, I was able to see God clearly working in you and through you, and in spite of you (as God does with all of us). Your gifts for ministry are so clear and convincing to me that I feel like the only appropriate response I can make is to affirm your gifts and your calling to ordained ministry, and then get out of God's way. There is still a lot that I struggle with, and will continue to struggle with on the issue of LGBT individuals in ministry, but I'll deal with that over time.

Look! She's Alive!

It's been a busy few weeks. First, I spent loads of time preparing my grandmother's memorial service. And packing for the trip. Since Nora came along (and OH, what a good child she was. seriously) I had to pack "essential baby gear" such as the Pack and Play, stroller, books, toys, etc. Then, we were actually in Florida (hot and muggy is an understatement) for two days during which I officiated the service and spent lots of time with extended family. Let's not forget the 30-hour round-trip car ride from Virginia.

I arrived back home at 8:30 p.m. on Sunday, August 2 and showed up at work at 8:30 a.m. the next morning. The interns did their evaluations for the unit of CPE on Monday and Tuesday, and us residents did our evaluations on Wednesday and Thursday. On Friday, we said good-bye to each other in a wonderful but long and exhausting exercise where EVERYONE got the chance to be alone in a room with everyone else, and we took turns being "ears" (listening but not talking) and "mouth" (talking with the other person listened).

Today I received my supervisor's final evaluation for my 4th CPE unit (5th total, since I had one prior unit) of this residency. I was very pleased with it, and there were no surprises. So, I am now in possession of 5 (five) units of Clinical Pastoral Education, two of which are Level 2. If you know what that means. If you don't, then just smile, nod, and act impressed, because you should be. :)

For the next three weeks, us three residents will be splitting shifts (12p-6p; 6p-12a; 12a-6a) to ensure hospital coverage. Mine will mostly be 12p-6p, which will allow me to spend mornings with Nora and evenings with Harry. On August 28, we'll all (Henry, Danny, Sandy, Kitty, Judy, and me) go out to lunch, say good-bye for the last time, and the residency will officially be over. On August 31, I begin my new "job" as Super Mommy. I am looking for (and have an interview tomorrow; PRAY!) a per diem/as needed chaplain position to keep my feet wet and get some spending money. However, I've put off the search for a full-time position until May or so, given that Baby is due on March 3. I might decide to take another year of family leave (do you KNOW how expensive day care is for two kids? We'd be looking at $350 a week), since the job market kinda sucks right now AND I don't know how I'm going to handle having two children.

More later...I'm on call tonight and just spoke to an ICU nurse who needs me to call the Red Cross on behalf of a patient's husband. Poor woman is in the ICU and her husband is overseas.

My Pet Peeve: Inadequate (or Non-existent) Pastoral Care

One of my fellow residents has been doing a hospice rotation for the past four months. She's been visiting the patient (a woman in her 40s) and family every week. This morning, the woman died after being in the "actively dying" state for several days. She is a member of a local congregation, although obviously has not been able to attend due to health reasons. Guess how often her pastor visited her? NEVER, according to what her family told Sandy (my colleague). Literally, he never visited her. Over the past week, Sandy has called him multiple times, updating him on the patient's condition and requesting that he visit the patient and family. He finally did so on Sunday, but only stayed for a few minutes. They hadn't heard from him since then.

Hearing this (and other stories of pastors willingly neglecting their parishioners) makes me want to throw something. If someone is ill and unable to make it to church, at least attempt to visit them once a month. If a family is in crisis (which this family was/is) and someone is rapidly declining, then more frequent visits (once every few weeks) and at least a weekly phone call to "check in" seems to be in order. Most importantly, when a family is in the "hours versus days" stage of the dying process, you owe it to them to make a substantial visit (more than ten minutes!) and be available by phone.

Oh yeah, and if you know** a parishioner is in the hospital for more than overnight, try and visit them at least once. If it's a long stay, I think once a week is reasonable...more if it's a critical situation.

Congregations often have ridiculous expectations of pastoral care. SJ thought that my monthly visitation of shut-ins was inadequate, and wanted me to visit if someone had an ingrown toenail. They complained to the DS that I "didn't visit as a pastor should." My biggest mistake was not laying out expectations with them from the beginning on how much visitation I would do and how often I would visit. I will do that with my next church. But I will say this; I visited our shut-ins once a month and was pretty vigilant about hospital visitation. If I missed someone, then I'd make every effort to visit them soon after they arrived home. I had no funerals/deaths while I was at SJ (amazingly enough), but the few times someone had a member of their family die, I tried to visit them within a few weeks, or at least have a phone conversation.

So my message to those of you who are serving congregations; please, please do whatever you can to keep tabs on your people and to be there for them in times of need. If you can't make it for some reason, send a member of your lay leadership in your stead.

Oh yeah, and make sure that at least a few of your key leaders have your cell phone number, if you don't publish it for everyone to see. Even better, leave an emergency contact number on the voicemail (Yes, I realize you might get some weird phone calls. Deal with it). It's really aggravating for us chaplains to attempt to call a pastor on behalf of an individual in the ER or in surgery, and have to simply leave a message on the voicemail, hoping that it will be heard. Or be told that "it's his/her day off...no I don't have a cell phone number...I can take a message...", etc.

I'd also like to hear your perspectives on this topic. What are your guidelines and practices for visitation? For publishing for cell phone number?

**I am fully aware that sometimes pastors are the last to know about hospitalizations/illnesses/crises/shut-ins, etc. It's the responsibility of the individual/family to inform the pastor about these sorts of events. However, once the pastor does know about them, then he/she needs to provide proper pastoral care.**

Family Systems and Genograms

One of the elements of virtually every CPE program is a study of family systems. I have been blessed in that both of my CPE programs (the intro-level unit four years ago and my current residency) have placed an emphasis on understanding and applying family systems theory. What is "family systems theory"? Simply put, the way humans work in relation to each other and as part of a "system"...be that your family of origin, family by marriage, or community of faith. Because I am a colossal family systems geek, you will undoubtedly see more blog posts on this topic.

Anyway, one helpful exercise to understand your own family system (and the patterns present in it) is to construct a genogram. I describe this as, "a family tree on steroids." It's a family tree with special attention and detail paid to emotional relationships between the family members. It's also common to identify physical/mental/social conditions of each family member and identify any patterns that arise. Once you've completed this fun exising of family skeletons, you present it to your peer group and supervisor. One thing I've learned; EVERY family has issues/scandals. If it appears otherwise, then either the person presenting the genogram is covering them up OR the family system itself is covering up those issues.

I'm presenting my genogram next week, as is everyone else in our program. Nine genograms in five days; should be fun! As I've been analyzing my own family (for the second time, since I completed my first genogram four years ago), I've noticed a lot of interesting/disturbing patterns that I maybe didn't notice the first time (or have forgotten about) as well as issues I had previously identified. Quite fascinating.

Needed: Accountability and Support

A key part of my CPE experience has been reflecting on and growing from my parish experience. I believe that I have been mostly healed, thanks to God, my colleagues, an insightful supervisor, and my husband. As I see it, what happened was really the intersection of three parties and the issues we had that contributed to "the perfect storm", as Henry (my supervisor) calls it. First, there was the church, which was small , dying, and consisted mostly of individuals over 55. It had been through some pretty deep divisions in the past. It was also located in an economically depressed area. As of result of those issues, it was an anxious, immature, and insecure system. The church specifically asked the District Superintendent for an older pastor, preferably one with more experience. Instead, they received me, a 29 year-old pastor who was in her first appointment with ministry being her first career. My husband did not fit their idea of a pastor's spouse and had no desire to conform. I was inexperienced, lacking confidence, and was learning how to be a pastor, while they needed someone who could lead them boldly. I also went through a number of personal issues during my two years as their pastor (father-in-law dying, pregnancy, baby, dog dying, mother diagnosed with cancer, husband getting job four hours away, etc) which made me unable to be as emotionally available to them as I could have been, and as they needed me to be. They felt threatened and scared, so they did what they knew to do...fight for their church. I still don't think they have any idea how much they hurt me and my family; if I were to confront them now, they'd probably react very defensively. Anyway, that's their story.
Second, there was the Cabinet (the bishop and all the District Superintendents in the annual conference), which needed a pastor for this church. The DS either had her head stuck in the sand or had no clue about how damaged this church was. Anyway, I needed an appointment close to my husband's job, this church needed a pastor, and it was just about as close as I could get and still be within the boundaries of the Annual Conference. So, the Cabinet appointment me to the church. The DS didn't see fit to tell me that I was the EXACT OPPOSITE of what the church had requested. The outgoing pastor didn't tell me anything about the church's history or about any issues that I might encounter. Actually, she didn't tell me much of anything, except the very basics. Of course, the church didn't tell me until 18 months later, but I'm not sure that it was their place to do so. When everything seemed fine the first year, my DS didn't pick up on any of the "warning signs" that I now recognize: mostly superficial and petty comments by the PPR, almost no contact outside of worship/meetings unless initiated by me, frustrations expressed by my PPR that I "didn't know how to lead" and doubts about my maturity. When I got a new DS my second year, he seemed better at first and I connected with him easier, but he seemed to minimize the situation and really wasn't proactive and prophetic enough with either me or the church. I don't know what he told the Board of Ordained Ministry about me, but it must have been pretty negative, since the Provisional Process Committee required an in-person meeting with me.
The third story belongs to me, and you've heard most of it through this blog. If you haven't read the "back story", there's a link in the sidebar. I certainly had my own issues that contributed to everything and take responsibility for that. I didn't claim or utilize my authority well (sometimes, at all), I didn't set and enforce appropriate boundaries, I didn't work hard enough at my relationships with certain individuals, etc. I've identified key growing edges and have seen a lot of improvement and will continue to seek growth.
I've pretty much forgiven the local church for their part in what happened. There are certain people who I don't ever want to see again, but my anger toward them is mostly gone. I am still mad at the district/conference, though. They certainly had a part in this, but it feels like they just left me out to dry and may even have written me off as an ineffective pastor without knowing the whole story. My DS certainly knew much of what was going on in my life yet offered very little support or understanding. He also offered almost no insight on what I could have done to make things better. Anything he suggested (be transparent, increase visitation, communicate clearly) I did, but it didn't do the trick. I got the feeling that I was simply supposed to "bend over and take" whatever abuse the church threw at me. It would also have been nice if some sort of action had been required from the local church after I left...more training, a stern talking-to, some sort of severance pay for me. I don't know what's happened since I left, but my gut feeling is that life continued as before (except they had no pastor for six weeks) with no or very little acknowledgment.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again; my clergy friends helped bring me through that situation. They provided a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, compassion, and affirmation. However, I wish that they would have been a little firmer with me and been willing to confront me, especially when the trouble was beginning. They mostly patted my hand and sympathized with me as I told horror stories.

So, those are my thoughts these days. I guess I feel like I was either offered sympathy and further enabled in my behavior OR abused/neglected. Some empathy partnered with constructive criticism and practical help/advice would have been the best. I know that's rare in the local church, but I think the district/conference officials and my clergy friends were capable of offering it.

Yes, I'm Alive

A lot has happened since I last posted, both professionally and personally. First, the hospital at which I'm doing my residency is going through some financial difficulties due to the recession. They've had some layoffs and made a lot of cutbacks in other areas. For example, no one (not even the medical residents) gets on-call meals anymore. There was some talk of ending our CPE residency early (in late May instead of late August), but they decided to keep us for the duration. However, the administration decided to end the CPE residency program after this year, which made a lot of us very unhappy, especially since the chaplain residency program costs the hospital a whopping $8,000 a year, thanks to Medicare/Medicaid reimbursement. Sigh. At least I have a job until August!

On the personal end, Nora (my 20 month-old daughter) is not walking yet. This has been an ongoing saga for almost a year now. We first noticed some gross motor delay at six months, which is when she first rolled over. She didn't sit up by herself until eight months, didn't start crawling until almost 14 months, and just in the past month or so has been taking steps while holding onto someone. The problem seems to be low muscle tone. She's been receiving weekly physical therapy since November, saw a neurologist in March, and had bloodwork and an MRI brain scan in April, both of which turned out fine. My husband and I work with her as much as we can, of course. It's just been pretty frustrating, since none of us (not even the PT) thought it was going to be this big of a deal. At this point, we're fervently hoping that she'll be walking by her birthday in late August. The good news is that she's on target or advanced in every other area of development and is a very happy and charming child. We adore her and are thankful to have her in our lives.

I've also been discerning my calling and thinking about the "what next?" question. I know I'm not ready to go back to the local church as a pastor. Harry definitely isn't; he's still dealing with his own scars and demons from our experience, and he hasn't had the benefit of CPE to help deal with all that. My current decision is to look for a chaplain job, preferably in a hospice setting. Meanwhile, I'll happily be a stay-at-home mom to Nora. It will involve some penny-pinching, but we can handle it financially. We're very blessed that Harry not only works in a high-paying (and stable) field but is also brilliant, hard-working, and accomplished. I might also see about doing per diem chaplain work, supply preaching, weddings to bring in some extra cash.

The good news is that I feel that I've mostly healed from my parish experience, thanks to CPE and my supervisor. I feel like over the past year, I've moved from being in the ER trauma bay, to ICU, to a regular hospital room, to rehab. There are still some residual feelings (like anger at district and conference staff, which I may explore later), but a huge amount of work has been accomplished. Thanks be to God and to His servants for bringing me this far.

Not quiet...

Just spent 2 hours with a patient in our CICU....son is/was furious, wife fainted and went to ED, and patient is dying. Joy. See what time it is?

My Day

9:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. Disaster readiness drill (fake shooting at local U), briefing, and debriefing. It was the first time they had brought in "families" and had us deal with them, and it was an absolute mess. Hopefully next year's drill will be better...and we'll never have to put this into place.

2:10 p.m. to 4:40 p.m. In ER with family of eight-year-old girl who inexplicably went into cardiac arrest. Between the paramedics and the trauma team, they spent 90 minutes trying to revive her, but she didn't make it.

Now: On call until 6:00 a.m., when I am heading home. I am praying for no calls tonight, because it's been a very, very rough day.

By the way, my W-2 arrived on Monday.

The Healing Begins

I decided to do a CPE residency for two reasons. First, I had wanted to do one since finishing my first unit, and the timing seemed perfect. Second, it's pretty much a requirement for getting any kind of chaplain job, and definitely for becoming a board-certified chaplain. Since I wasn't sure when I'd want to go back to the local church, I wanted to make sure and have solid qualifications for other ministries.

I chose my residency site based on the rave reviews I had heard about the supervisor. A clergy friend had recommended him and I had spoken to several other people who had been in his CPE program and loved it. In my experience, a good CPE experience depends on having a good supervisor and good colleagues. I couldn't control who my fellow residents would be, but I could choose my supervisor.

Just as a side note, I definitely picked the right supervisor and the right medical center. "Henry" (my code name for him) is a fantastic supervisor, and just what I needed. He's not perfect, by any means. He's more liberal than I am (politically and theologically) but 95% of the time that's a non-issue. He's also a little hard to read at times (I think he could make millions playing poker) which can be kind of frustrating. However, everything else about him is great. He allows us plenty of room in which to mess up and learn from our mistakes and trusts us to use our judgment when making decisions. I could go on forever, but you don't need to hear me wax eloquent on him.

My colleagues (I'll call them "Sandy" and "Danny") are great and I think we're a good fit. It's nice that we're all within 10 years of each other in age; Sandy is almost 29 and Danny is 37. They just happen to both be African-American (but I could care less about that) so I've learned a lot about the black church that I didn't know before. We're different enough to make things interesting but still have tons of common ground (Sandy and I both like food, Danny and I both have kids, etc). I feel safe being myself around them and Henry, which is very liberating after two years at SJ, when I felt like I had to be someone else (and that didn't even work). If something I say, do, or don't do hurts/angers/confuses them, I know that they'll talk to me about it rather than talking to each other and ganging up on me. I'd do the same thing for them, and I hope they know that.

The most powerful thing I realized in my first month or two of this residency was that the SJ fiasco was not ALL my fault. I had been beating myself up for almost six months, and that stopped once I absolved myself of total blame. Was part of it my fault? Sure, and my major task this year is to identify and make some major headway on those issues. I won't return to the local church until I feel like I've resolved those issues to my satisfaction. I'm not expecting to be perfect, but I don't want to risk a repeat of what happened at SJ. However, it was very liberating to realize that the congregation (or more likely, a core group of 5-10 people) were also responsible for what happened. Just as there were certain times where I could have acted differently and changed things, there were certain times when the church could have acted differently and changed things.

I think that in my next few posts, I'll identify some of the factors/reactions that were totally out of my control. Then, I'll identify some of the factors that WERE in my control, and how things might have been different. This isn't for the sake of beating myself up, but for the sake of reflecting, venting, healing, and growing.

And I Thought I Was Done With This Stuff...

It's tax time, and of course that means it's also W-2 time. Last Monday (the federal deadline), we still had not received my W-2 from SJ. So, I e-mailed the current pastor to let her know and asked her to check into it. She said that she would. I heard from her again yesterday and she said that B (the treasurer) had mailed it, and the delay was partially because he didn't have my address.

I knew that was a bunch of BS, or at least irresponsibility. When I left SJ, I made a point of giving my PPR chair and treasurer my new address. I also wrote a letter to the congregation and included my new address in that letter. In addition, the district office and my successor had it, also. You would think that B would have saved the address, knowing that he would later need it for tax stuff. That's what I would expect from any reasonable person.

However, B either lost my address (OK, possible, but he did have other ways to get it) or he was simply being passive-aggressive and making me work harder. Based on experience, I'm betting on option B. This is the man who routinely didn't mail/give me my paycheck because he "didn't know what I wanted him to do." Or, he'd take two months to give me a reimbursement check and when I asked about the holdup, he'd say that he had some questions, or wasn't sure if something was eligible for reimbursement. He's intelligent (albeit elderly and in poor health) and pretty responsible, so this sort of behavior just doesn't make sense.

Oh yeah, and the W-2 arrived today and guess what? It was wrong. Two boxes that should have been checked had not been. So, now I get to try and resolve this. Know what else? We haven't received our giving statement for 2008 from SJ, either.

Of course, I could have (hopefully) nipped B's passive-aggressive behavior in the bud when it first started appearing (about six months after I started at SJ). I could have confronted him and asked that we agree on a method of delivering my paycheck (mailing it two days in advance, giving it to me the week it was due, dropping it off, whatever) and stick to it. I could also have requested that any reimbursement checks be written no more than a month after receipt, and that he raise any issues ASAP. However, I didn't do that. I just kept being powerless and letting him control everything. I completely and totally abdicated my authority as both a pastor and as an employee. After all, every employee has a right to receive his/her paychecks on time on a regular basis in a typical manner. In all the other jobs I've had, that has been the case...I've never received a paycheck late. So, asking to receive my paycheck on X day and in X manner would not have been unreasonable.

My CPE supervisor and I have identified authority issues as one of the major contributions I made to the SJ debacle. The other two major ones were a lack of self-confidence and avoidance of conflict. I've found all of those issues arising in the past two weeks, as I have had to deal with this tax thing. I also feel like I've regressed, and am really struggling with myself to be pro-active, to confront this thing head-on, and to go ahead and send that necessary e-mail (telling B that the W-2 needs to be corrected and that we still need our giving statement) and deal with whatever vitriol I might receive via the Internet. I'm trying not to get the pastor (who again, is a friend of mine) too involved because she's dealing with some major family issues, and it's not like this is HER fault.

This just makes me so mad...and brings back so many bad memories and feelings. One of the major wounds/scars I received was that I now have some trouble with paranoia in my personal relationships. My CPE experience has helped relieve some of that (my colleagues are all very reasonable, straightforward people) but it still arises at times like this. It's one of the reasons that I know I'm not ready to return to the local church as a pastor...I'm afraid my residual paranoia would negatively affect my ministry and relationships in the church.