Hello From the Eastern Shore

The short version that I tell everyone, and that is mostly true:  things are great, I love my churches, my churches love me, I am thriving, my children are thriving, Harry is coping well with the commute, and I love being a pastor. I feel that I am where God wants me to be. Daily I am seeing signs of God transforming me into the person that God is calling me to be.

I am not lying when I tell people that, because it really is true. However, it's not the WHOLE truth.

Because in addition to the above, I am being stretched thin in so many ways and feeling overwhelmed in so many ways and...I often feel like I'm drowning. The combination of church and family responsibilities, especially when there is a lot going on in both arenas...sometimes has me weeping.

I am getting over period of time where I have been sick for about three weeks. I actually missed one Sunday (fever and flu-like symptoms), began feeling better, made it to church the next week, and then came down with the stomach flu. I did virtually no church work for two weeks, and did the bare minimum at home. I am better now, but dealing with guilt (from missing a Sunday and two meetings) and the pileup of responsibilities from while I was sick.

Tomorrow, I will be doing funeral #9 since mid-September. I am willing to buy everyone who is reading this blog post lunch if death #10 doesn't happen by Easter (NOTE: if you want the lunch, you need to come to the Eastern Shore to collect. The closest airport is in Norfolk, 45 minutes away).

I know how to be a pastor. I know how to be a mother. I know how to be a wife. I know how to be a follower of Jesus. However, balancing all of those, doing all of those decently, and trying to improve in at least a few of those areas...has me in frustrated and guilty tears more than once a week.

My churches ARE extremely supportive. God is teaching me a lot about grace through them. They keep telling me to take care of myself, and a few people offer suggestions like "take a nap", "read a book not related to ministry", "spend time with your family". They see me as a person, they have embraced Harry and the kids, they even like my dog. My ministry with them has been very effective. I keep receiving affirmation from them, and I can see fruits of our ministry together.

I have a decent support system, although it is still in development. I see my therapist every two weeks, I am seeking out a spiritual director, I have a clergy support group Across the Bay (how we on the Shore refer to areas south of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel) that I attend every week, there is another one here on the Shore that I attend once a month or so (both groups are 45 minutes away, and Mac is in the one Across the Bay, and they tend to be more outside-the-box, so I tend to go there). I am trying to grow and improve in my disciplines of soul care, although I admit that I struggle in that area. Writing often helps me process, which is why I'm back to blogging after a hiatus.

So...is it normal for me to be feeling like this? Stretched out, overwhelmed, crying a few times a week, often feeling like I'm drowning? Yet, at the same time, I feel that this is where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing. Very similar to all those Sundays when Mac's sermon made me cry and left me feeling raw. I just naively thought that it would END. But, it HASN'T. Will it ever end?

It's Freak-Out Time

I posted the final draft of my Pastor Profile yesterday.
On December 15, I have a meeting with my District Superintendent to discuss appointment possibilities, based on my gifts and growing edges.
My packet (letter requesting end of leave and accompanying forms) to the Conference Relations Committee is complete and ready to be sent. I will probably do that tomorrow.

This is happening...with only a few hoops to jump through, I am going back under appointment. I am going to be a pastor again.

And I am terrified. Totally freaking out.

I believe with all my heart that this is what God is calling me to do. I'm a great chaplain, but my greatest gifts and joy lie in serving the local church.

I have thrived at BTUMC and love Mac and the people there, and will cry buckets of tears in June...but unless an absolute miracle happens and they suddenly have enough money to add an associate position, I have to leave BT in order to fulfill my calling. (Of course, even if they did add an associate position, I don't know if Mac would want me as his associate. It's one thing to have me in his church as a clergy person on family leave, it's another thing for us to work together on a daily basis.)

I know that God is with me, will continue to be with me, and will give me everything I need to be an effective pastor...as long as I continue to trust in Him.

Harry is a wonderfully supportive spouse and even Nora gets excited at the thought of being a "pastor's kid" (although I doubt she'll feel the same way in a few years).

I asked Mac point-blank a few weeks ago if he thought I was ready to go back, and he said he thought that I was.

My counselor (who is a retired pastor) thinks that I'm ready.

In other words, all the lights are green. God, my intuition, my family, colleagues...I am not seeing any red flags suggesting that I should wait.

But still, I'm terrified. I'm scared of myself, because I know that I am potentially both the greatest asset and the greatest hindrance to my ministry.

God has given me the gifts for being a pastor, and God will give me guidance and wisdom. I have everything it takes to be an effective pastor.
...IF I continue to rely on Him.
...IF I continue to choose faith over fear.
...IF I continue to listen to God's voice and my own intuition over the voice of others.
...IF I continue to practice good self-care and establish/maintain a good support network.

So many "ifs"...and so many are dependent on me being faithful. And I'm so scared that I will fail...

Forgive Them, Lord, Because They're Utterly Clueless

I sent Mac an e-mail tonight that displayed evidence of my semi-Choleric personality. I told him that I wanted to beat him with my bare hands.

Why do I want to beat my pastor with my bare hands? It's partially my fault.

About a week ago, I sent an e-mail to Matt (Finance chair), offering some of my opinions about how to help the financial situation, especially in the area of analysis and strategy. He suggested we meet, and we decided on tonight, before another meeting we had.

I called Mac today to a) let him know what we were planning and b) give him the opportunity to say, "no, please don't" (if he had said that, I would have simply told Matt that something came up and cancelled the meeting). He gave me his blessing, I promised that I would tell him what we talked about, and that was that.

I went into this meeting with Matt optimistic that we could have a nice brainstorming session about ways to make BTUMC more financially solvent and a better place overall. I thought I might experience an attempt at triangulation, but figured we could move beyond it and focus on the main issue.

I was wrong.

If it weren't for my five units of CPE and several previous conversations with Mac, I could very easily have been triangulated and wound up joining the "side" of Matt, Ruth (Church Council Chair) and Carrie (Staff-Parish Chair). As it was, I left feeling empathy for Matt (who really is in a tough position), feeling frustrated/angry at Mac (who I think knew exactly what I was walking into), and also feeling empathy for Mac, because this situation is so very, very similar to what I experienced at SJ.

Mac didn't make it to the Endowment meeting, and tomorrow is his day off. That's good for him, because it will give me 24 hours to think and pray and reflect. However, I plan on calling him first thing on Friday morning. I won't violate anything that Matt told me in confidence, but I need to speak with Mac about some of the questions that were raised in our conversation. And confirm that he did, indeed, have a good idea what was going to happen during my meeting with Matt.

The sad things is...and the thing that perplexes me so much about human nature and about the church...is that I do believe that Matt, Ruth, and Carrie have no clue what they're really doing. Matt didn't go into our meeting consciously saying "I am going to get Patti onto our side"...in fact, he kept saying just the opposite. He just told me that he needed someone to listen to him. And so I did. He's a good man, a brother in Christ, and really does seem to have good intentions. However, at the same time, his actions are hurting and compromising the ministry of another good man, another brother in Christ, and my fellow clergy person. On the other hand, Mac isn't perfect either, and isn't without blame.

My question is, where do I go from here? I'm too far "in" to be 100% neutral...but I don't want to give myself a savior mentality and think that I can "fix" everything. I can't.

However, part of what I'm going to discern over the next 24 hours (and probably the next few days) is what God is calling me to do...and whether or not my sense that I have "peacemaking" gifts is true, and if so, how I can use them in this situation.

Prayers would be appreciated. I'll take any advice you want to give me, too.

Let's Talk About Sex(uality), Baby

This is a post on a controversial topic, which is always sort of dangerous. However, I'm not shouting my opinion from a platform, but rather "thinking out loud" and inviting others to reflect with me and offer their insight. I invite comments and responses, but ask that you please not post knee-jerk, inflammatory reactions. We're intelligent adults. Let's act like it. Oh yeah, and please read the whole post before commenting. This is a journey...

I consider myself to be in the "moderate-but-leaning conservative" camp both socially and theologically. There are a few things I "lean left" on, such as capital punishment (I'm an enigma; I'm against the death penalty AND against abortion), but on most issues I'm either square in the middle or leaning a little to the right. I have spent a lot of time thinking, praying, reading, and reflecting on the issue of homosexuality. My denomination is embroiled in an increasingly intense debate on the role of practicing homosexuals in the church. Anyway, up until about a week ago, my response to the question, "where do you stand on that issue" would have been fairly confident. I believed (and still do feel) that based on my interpretation, the practice of homosexuality contradicts the witness of the scripture and Christian tradition. As a result, I would have said that that ordaining practicing homosexuals was not compatible with scripture/tradition, etc, etc. Keep in mind that I also believe that even heterosexual sex outside of marriage is incompatible with scripture, and that clergy are to be "celibate in singleness and faithful in marriage".

Anyway, my position on homosexuality has been challenged in the past week and it's left me in a tailspin of sorts. I feel like my world has been knocked on its axis. Last Tuesday, we had six new interns begin the summer CPE program. They'll be here full-time through July and August. There are four women, two men, one African-American, one Filipino-American, two Lutherans, one Methodist, one Presbyterian, one Episcopalian, and a Pentecostal. In addition to the racial and religious diversity, one of the interns is gay. This was confirmed this morning in a seminar, but I had suspected it last week, based on behavioral patterns and his response to a relationship question ("significant other" instead of specifying girlfriend/wife). So, now that my suspicions have been confirmed, I am really wrestling with myself and with views that I've held for a long time.

The crux of the matter is this; my position up until this point has been based on a fairly congitive discernment process and an utter lack of experience with homosexuals beyond a nodding acquaintance. All of a sudden, I encounter this engaging, gifted, and faithful young man who wants to serve Christ and His church and I find myself re-examining my position. I haven't seen Luther (hokey name, I know, but he's Lutheran and I don't want to use his real name) active in ministry yet, so I don't know anything about his gifts and graces, although I should know within a week or two. I'm assuming that Luther will demonstrate gifts for ministry and am wondering, "so what now?" All of a sudden this "issue" is reduced to one person who I genuinely like and admire, and I find myself doing of lot of thinking and, well...agonizing about God's grace, our sin, who God calls to ministry, standards of faithful living, sexuality, etc. One moment I'm worried about a "slippery slope" in terms of moral/ethical standards among the ordained and the next moment I'm reminded that the early Christians established that the character of the one administering the sacraments does not affect the validity of the sacraments. There's a Latin or Greek term for it...I forget.

Those are my thoughts...and where I am right now. I have no doubt that there is more to come. My biggest concern is that as I make this journey, no matter if my "position" changes or not, that I will be faithful to God's Spirit as he speaks to my heart, through others, and most importantly, through His Word.

Thought-Provoking Reading

I was doing some "blog surfing" yesterday and came across a blog (and a post from that blog) that very much intrigued me. I've included the link below so you can read it if you so desire.

http://locustsandhoney.blogspot.com/2009/01/on-abnormality-of-church.html

I found the post very thought-provoking. It also had a lot of truth in it. Sure, it's a little one-sided and I disagreed with parts of it (or saw it from another perspective), but I found myself agreeing with a lot of it.

I am currently committed to remaining in the United Methodist Church and in the ordination process. The denomination would have to do something really major for me to leave. The UMC is my theological home; where I feel most comfortable. I am also very committed to remaining in the local church in some sort of role. However, I am fully aware of the many major flaws in both my denomination and in the local church (regardless of denomination). There are many times when I get so frustrated and angry with either or both of the above institutions and the people in them. That's why I found myself agreeing with some of what John said. I've been hurt by the church, also. However, I still stick with the UMC/local church because I believe in God's redeeming power working through individuals and groups. No one and nothing is beyond God's redemption, but it takes faithful and receptive individuals for that redemption to occur. Simply put, I feel called to be one of those agents of God's redemption, even if I have to wait until heaven to see the fruits of my labor. Is it painful? Yes. May I change my mind later (and leave the denomination and local church altogether? Possibly, although I hope not. Is it worth the pain and frustration? Yes, and that's why I'll keep working for and praying for redemption and transformation. The day when I say, "it's not worth it" is the day that I'll turn in my credentials and start a house church. However, I sincerely hope that day never arrives.

The Aftermath of the Storm is Often the Worst Part

Less than a week after leaving SJ, I interviewed, and was accepted into, a CPE residency program. It wouldn't begin until September, so I had about three and a half months during which I was a stay-at-home-mom. In some ways, it was nice to be able to rest, bond with Nora, and explore our new community. On the other hand, I was fairly depressed, which meant that I slept a lot (Nora was still taking two 2+ hour naps a day) and didn't feel like doing anything whatsoever. I had the energy and motivation to take care of Nora, so she certainly wasn't neglected. I almost always managed to put something edible on the table for dinner. However, I didn't feel like doing much of anything else...unpacking and decorating (we had bought a house), cleaning, doing laundry, etc. I spent hours alternately beating myself up about the whole SJ fiasco and experiencing fits of rage when I thought about how I had been treated. Naturally, Harry would frequently get irritated with me. He was worried about our finances (we were OK, but there was no extra money) and frustrated that he'd often come home to a messy house with piles of dirty laundry. I can't really blame him; I'd have been angry with me, too. Nora was an easy baby, so she was usually happy to play with a toy for 20 minutes while I did something productive. Harry was concerned about me, and did show a lot of compassion, but even that has its limits. The marital stress did not do much for my emotional state, of course. I felt like a failure in many areas.

We began searching for a church to attend. As a UM pastor not appointed to a local church, I needed to "unite" with a Charge Conference in my area. Harry insisted on a contemporary worship service (I guess two years of singing dirges had gotten to him) and we wanted something less than 20 miles away. We visited about three different churches before we found the one we now attend. It's 14 miles away and the pastor is one of the most powerful people in the conference (I would not be surprised to see her as an episcopal candidate in the next 10-15 years). That last part sort of made me wary about the church (I'm still in the ordination process, and there are certainly politics involved), but her preaching and approachable personality, the great worship, and the warm congregation eventually won me over. I've experienced a lot of healing there and hope to be more involved once my residency is over with.

Next, I'll begin to share some of my CPE experience, and what I've learned as a result of that.