For Such a Time As This?

If you persist in staying silent at a time like this, help and deliverance will arrive for the Jews from someplace else; but you and your family will be wiped out. Who knows? Maybe you were made queen for just such a time as this. Esther 4:13-14 (The Message)

I'm struggling with my role at BTUMC, and what God is calling me to do there.

Months ago, I promised myself and God that I would never willingly undermine or jeopardize Mac's pastoral authority. I am very aware that I am on his territory, so to speak, and I want to respect that. Thus far, I have experienced Mac as a very permission-giving pastor. He let me preach in January (without even knowing much about me), and once we joined BTUMC, he put me on the Church Council, which is the governing board for the congregation. We have it set up so that everyone on Church Council is also on the Finance Committee, so I'm on both, too.

I've gotten increasingly involved as a result...first there was the Finance Chair asking me to begin the Endowment Committee/Fund, then there was the capital campaign...and I'm also occasionally serving as the liturgist at the 8:15 service (every three months or so) and occasionally preaching at the Wednesday night service (again, every two or three months). I will probably be leading a small group this fall. With the exception of my January preaching gig and the healing service that I did while he was out of town, Mac has not asked me to specifically do anything; he has just essentially made room for me to utilize my gifts, and the rest has happened as a result of either my initiative or that of someone else.

Mac's exact words to me last December (when he told me that he had put me on the Church Council) was, "you can be as involved or not as you want. It's up to you." And so, I've gotten fairly involved, with his blessing, and I have seen no evidence that my current level of involvement bothers him. So, keep all that background information in mind, OK?

As I've mentioned before, BT is in a major major financial crunch. There's a lot of anxiety, a lot of fear, and a lot of differing opinions, including a difference of opinions between Mac and some of the key leaders. As usual, this situation did not happen overnight, and has been several years in the making. Part of it is about stewardship, but that's not everything. It's also about vision, and whether or not people have "bought into"/agree with the vision that Mac and the leaders have discerned.

Here's the thing: while I don't have any short-term solutions, I do have opinions about the root cause of the lack of giving. And I have opinions on what our first steps should be to address that root cause. A lot of my opinions fall in the vision/spirituality area. I haven't shared these opinions with anyone because I'm wondering if I should, if my doing so would threaten Mac's pastoral authority, or if God is calling me to speak a prophetic word to BT.

I believe that I am here at BT, at this time in my life and in the life of the congregation for a reason. I have been praying for the congregation and for Mac for months, and feel that my prayers have made a difference. However, I have this niggling feeling from God that I need to use my voice...but I want to do so in a way that will not come back to bite Mac or jeopardize my relationship with him. As far as I'm concerned, the whole congregation can come at me with tar and feathers, but I don't want to do anything to hurt or anger Mac.

And yes, I probably will call Mac in the next few days and talk to him about this...but I wanted to hear your opinions, too. What do you think?

Being a Normal Person: Finding Friendships with Laity

I recently read this article about solutions to the loneliness of pastoral ministry, and it hit home, particularly the advice given to find friends who are a) not clergy and b) not part of your church. Reflecting on my own pastoral experience, I've found that to be fairly challenging. When I was in Danville, everyone I knew was either a pastor, married to a pastor, or a member of my church. Seriously. I had no clue how to meet other young professionals in their late 20s/early 30s, and there weren't that many people who fell into that category, anyway. On top of all that, I was in a small community, so too many people knew me as "the pastor of St. John's." Anonymity was difficult. We did have some friends who lived about 70 miles away, and would get together with them from time to time. But local friends? Did not exist.

Now that I'm planning on going back to the parish, I'm struggling with the prospect of experiencing that sort of loneliness again. There are a few things that give me some hope. First, I have children, and I have found that they can be a bridge to potential friendships with fellow parents (play dates, preschool, school, and other interactions). Second, if I am appointed in this area (please God please God please God) then it is large enough, diverse enough, and has enough to offer that meeting other young (under 40) people shouldn't be a problem. Third (and this is also dependent on me being appointed in this area), we already have a few friends here, and those relationships can help support us. Specifically, we have a husband and wife who are probably our best friends, whose son is in between Nora and Walter in age, and who we have known for almost a decade. Since they've known me before I was "Pastor Patti", they see me as a normal person, and I feel perfectly comfortable being transparent and human and knocking back margaritas with them.

However, I do worry about how I'm going to make new friendships in the community. I guess I'm just not the sort of person who makes friends easily. I'm friendly, and can carry on a conversation very well...and I can certainly have many acquaintances. But true friendships, where both parties feel comfortable letting their guard down and being themselves? I don't have a whole lot of those, and struggle with how to make the bridge from acquaintance to friend.

So...how do you typically meet non-clergy, non-church friends?

On Self-Disclosure in the Church

I'm a pretty open person. You can ask me almost anything and I will probably answer you fairly candidly. Naturally, I have my limits and certain things I only discuss with people I trust implicitly. However, in general I am very comfortable sharing my strengths and areas of growth, my triumphs and failures, and my thoughts on certain issues. I regularly post on Facebook and Twitter. I have a public blog. When I preach, I am very willing to use personal experiences as illustrations, although I make a general rule of not holding myself up as an example or sharing my failures in the pulpit, unless my congregation knows me fairly well.

While I don't expect this level of disclosure from everyone else, I feel that self-revelation is an important aspect of Christian community. How can we truly be the body of Christ if we are all virtually strangers? If we don't share our stories with each other? If our boundaries are so strict that there is a big "keep out" sign on our life? How can we love and support each other, and be united in working for the kingdom, if we don't know each other?

Keep in mind, I'm not talking about a "festival of over-sharing", or gossip, and I know that both can occur in congregations, and the former can lead to the latter and cause all sorts of problems. However, I do feel like the church should be the one place where we can be transparent, be ourselves, and admit our joys and struggles...and have people to either rejoice with us or pray with us and for us. But that's not going to happen unless we are willing to share, and unless we create an atmosphere that makes people feel like they are in a "safe place".

Part of the struggle I had in the local church (and will probably experience when/if I return) is finding the balance between appropriate self-disclosure and maintaining a professional demeanor. I think it's important that the congregation know part of my story, and that I share increasingly more with them the more we get to know each other. On the other hand, I also realize that I am functioning in a professional capacity, and they need to relate to me as such. That means they probably shouldn't be hearing about my struggles in my calling, marital issues, and my occasional anger at denominational officials. Right?

So, I guess I'm raising two issues here. First, what's an appropriate level of self-disclosure in the local church? How can we be examples of being transparent without compromising our role? Second, how do we create a culture of caring, of comfort, of sanctuary so that people will feel comfortable taking the risk of being transparent?

For the Rest of the (Evolving) Story...

So, remember my posts about Luther, his sexuality, and my grapplings with it in terms of my ministry and views? I'm sure that you've been on the edge of your seats, wanting to hear more. Or maybe not, because you have a LIFE. Anyway, here's what I wrote about him in my evaluation of each peer. I think it speaks for itself:

Luther: I'll confess that when I first suspected you were gay, my thoughts went something like this, "oh Lord, what are you doing?" In other words, I sensed that I was about to have a crisis of theology/ethics/etc. And I did, but I think I'm on the other side of that now, and you've been a positive force through that journey. Thank you for being so responsive, authentic, proactive, and transparent. Because of those qualities, I was able to see God clearly working in you and through you, and in spite of you (as God does with all of us). Your gifts for ministry are so clear and convincing to me that I feel like the only appropriate response I can make is to affirm your gifts and your calling to ordained ministry, and then get out of God's way. There is still a lot that I struggle with, and will continue to struggle with on the issue of LGBT individuals in ministry, but I'll deal with that over time.

"Sexuality" Revisited: Reading Recommendations Wanted

Remember this post? Thanks for your thoughts and responses; I really appreciate them. My journey is continuing and I will have the pleasure of watching Luther bring the Word today in our weekly chapel service at the hospital. As part of my discernment/struggling process, I was contemplating doing some reading on the issue of homosexuals in the church. I'm looking for a book that is fairly objective and gives scripture and tradition some substantial consideration, as well as maybe integrating behavioral science and experience.

Does such a book exist? What would you recommend for someone doing a lot of thinking and praying on this issue?

In other news, I have to say that I am so excited that a) RevGalBlogPals accepted me into the web ring and b) that my traffic has picked up considerably since then! Keep visiting me and commenting, and I will try and reciprocate.

No news on the Hospice position...last time I talked to the person doing the interviewing/hiring (one week ago today), she wanted to schedule a group interview for this week. I have yet to hear from her. I did call her again yesterday, just to let her know that I was still interested. If I haven't heard from her by Friday, I'll call again. I don't want to be a pest, but I also want to show her I'm persistent and interested. Of course, if this continues for much longer, I'll think about whether I want to work for her after all...

Let's Talk About Sex(uality), Baby

This is a post on a controversial topic, which is always sort of dangerous. However, I'm not shouting my opinion from a platform, but rather "thinking out loud" and inviting others to reflect with me and offer their insight. I invite comments and responses, but ask that you please not post knee-jerk, inflammatory reactions. We're intelligent adults. Let's act like it. Oh yeah, and please read the whole post before commenting. This is a journey...

I consider myself to be in the "moderate-but-leaning conservative" camp both socially and theologically. There are a few things I "lean left" on, such as capital punishment (I'm an enigma; I'm against the death penalty AND against abortion), but on most issues I'm either square in the middle or leaning a little to the right. I have spent a lot of time thinking, praying, reading, and reflecting on the issue of homosexuality. My denomination is embroiled in an increasingly intense debate on the role of practicing homosexuals in the church. Anyway, up until about a week ago, my response to the question, "where do you stand on that issue" would have been fairly confident. I believed (and still do feel) that based on my interpretation, the practice of homosexuality contradicts the witness of the scripture and Christian tradition. As a result, I would have said that that ordaining practicing homosexuals was not compatible with scripture/tradition, etc, etc. Keep in mind that I also believe that even heterosexual sex outside of marriage is incompatible with scripture, and that clergy are to be "celibate in singleness and faithful in marriage".

Anyway, my position on homosexuality has been challenged in the past week and it's left me in a tailspin of sorts. I feel like my world has been knocked on its axis. Last Tuesday, we had six new interns begin the summer CPE program. They'll be here full-time through July and August. There are four women, two men, one African-American, one Filipino-American, two Lutherans, one Methodist, one Presbyterian, one Episcopalian, and a Pentecostal. In addition to the racial and religious diversity, one of the interns is gay. This was confirmed this morning in a seminar, but I had suspected it last week, based on behavioral patterns and his response to a relationship question ("significant other" instead of specifying girlfriend/wife). So, now that my suspicions have been confirmed, I am really wrestling with myself and with views that I've held for a long time.

The crux of the matter is this; my position up until this point has been based on a fairly congitive discernment process and an utter lack of experience with homosexuals beyond a nodding acquaintance. All of a sudden, I encounter this engaging, gifted, and faithful young man who wants to serve Christ and His church and I find myself re-examining my position. I haven't seen Luther (hokey name, I know, but he's Lutheran and I don't want to use his real name) active in ministry yet, so I don't know anything about his gifts and graces, although I should know within a week or two. I'm assuming that Luther will demonstrate gifts for ministry and am wondering, "so what now?" All of a sudden this "issue" is reduced to one person who I genuinely like and admire, and I find myself doing of lot of thinking and, well...agonizing about God's grace, our sin, who God calls to ministry, standards of faithful living, sexuality, etc. One moment I'm worried about a "slippery slope" in terms of moral/ethical standards among the ordained and the next moment I'm reminded that the early Christians established that the character of the one administering the sacraments does not affect the validity of the sacraments. There's a Latin or Greek term for it...I forget.

Those are my thoughts...and where I am right now. I have no doubt that there is more to come. My biggest concern is that as I make this journey, no matter if my "position" changes or not, that I will be faithful to God's Spirit as he speaks to my heart, through others, and most importantly, through His Word.