Hello From the Eastern Shore

The short version that I tell everyone, and that is mostly true:  things are great, I love my churches, my churches love me, I am thriving, my children are thriving, Harry is coping well with the commute, and I love being a pastor. I feel that I am where God wants me to be. Daily I am seeing signs of God transforming me into the person that God is calling me to be.

I am not lying when I tell people that, because it really is true. However, it's not the WHOLE truth.

Because in addition to the above, I am being stretched thin in so many ways and feeling overwhelmed in so many ways and...I often feel like I'm drowning. The combination of church and family responsibilities, especially when there is a lot going on in both arenas...sometimes has me weeping.

I am getting over period of time where I have been sick for about three weeks. I actually missed one Sunday (fever and flu-like symptoms), began feeling better, made it to church the next week, and then came down with the stomach flu. I did virtually no church work for two weeks, and did the bare minimum at home. I am better now, but dealing with guilt (from missing a Sunday and two meetings) and the pileup of responsibilities from while I was sick.

Tomorrow, I will be doing funeral #9 since mid-September. I am willing to buy everyone who is reading this blog post lunch if death #10 doesn't happen by Easter (NOTE: if you want the lunch, you need to come to the Eastern Shore to collect. The closest airport is in Norfolk, 45 minutes away).

I know how to be a pastor. I know how to be a mother. I know how to be a wife. I know how to be a follower of Jesus. However, balancing all of those, doing all of those decently, and trying to improve in at least a few of those areas...has me in frustrated and guilty tears more than once a week.

My churches ARE extremely supportive. God is teaching me a lot about grace through them. They keep telling me to take care of myself, and a few people offer suggestions like "take a nap", "read a book not related to ministry", "spend time with your family". They see me as a person, they have embraced Harry and the kids, they even like my dog. My ministry with them has been very effective. I keep receiving affirmation from them, and I can see fruits of our ministry together.

I have a decent support system, although it is still in development. I see my therapist every two weeks, I am seeking out a spiritual director, I have a clergy support group Across the Bay (how we on the Shore refer to areas south of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel) that I attend every week, there is another one here on the Shore that I attend once a month or so (both groups are 45 minutes away, and Mac is in the one Across the Bay, and they tend to be more outside-the-box, so I tend to go there). I am trying to grow and improve in my disciplines of soul care, although I admit that I struggle in that area. Writing often helps me process, which is why I'm back to blogging after a hiatus.

So...is it normal for me to be feeling like this? Stretched out, overwhelmed, crying a few times a week, often feeling like I'm drowning? Yet, at the same time, I feel that this is where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing. Very similar to all those Sundays when Mac's sermon made me cry and left me feeling raw. I just naively thought that it would END. But, it HASN'T. Will it ever end?

The Rest of the Story

I'll give you the details later in this post, but I'll get to the bottom line first: I decided to take the appointment. Beginning July 1, I will once again be a pastor.

After I talked to both District Superintendents, Harry and I spent the weekend praying and talking and discerning. I spoke with a few close clergy friends (poor Mac and Helen; they bore the brunt of my angst and questions. I think I called Mac about four times over the weekend) who offered comfort and wisdom. By Monday morning, Harry and I had decided to move forward with the appointment. I called Essie, and she scheduled a "Meet Your Pastor" meeting for the next week.

Then, on Monday night, Harry looked at me and said, "I can't do this." Meaning move to the Eastern Shore, live in a parsonage, and possibly subject ourselves to what we had experienced before. He changed his mind, but seeing his anguish made me question whether or not I should take this appointment or not. I spent a couple hours with Mac the next day, venting and processing, and he said something that made a huge difference: "before you call Essie and cancel the meeting, make a plan for how you will spend the next year." So, I began thinking and planning. I didn't really want to stay at BTUMC if Mac wasn't going to be there, and didn't know how the next pastor would feel about me. Mac's new church was still an unknown, so he couldn't promise me any sort of significant role there (plus, since it's the church I attended for a year, I knew that he probably wouldn't need me). My friend Prisca said that I could be an unpaid staff member at her church, and she even had a ministry opportunity for me. I also looked at a few part-time ministry positions on my current district.

But...in doing all of that, I felt somewhat depressed. I felt like I was back where I had been two years ago, when I was still discerning what God wanted me to do for the rest of my life. However, I knew what God wanted me to do; I knew what I wanted to do: be a pastor. And since Harry was willing to move with me and support me, I didn't feel like I had a really valid reason to turn down the appointment...besides fear. This was the first roadblock I had encountered in my process of returning to full-time ministry. Except for this one issue, I was getting green lights everywhere else.

So, with Harry's support and my sense that this was God's will, I met with the Pastor Parish Relations Committee of my new appointment. There are two churches, which I'll call Cherry UMC and Bayside UMC (C and B to be short). The meeting went really well...I think this is a really good match for my gifts, and the people seem very gracious. I like Essie (my new DS) and also like Daisy (my code name for my PPR chair).

We've seen the parsonage (it's OK, but we'll miss our home) and we're hoping to be able to rent our house to a friend who is moving to this area. We can't sell it, and really don't want to rent it to total strangers, in case they trash it. I have the kids enrolled in a local daycare/preschool, and they start on July 2.

I'm going to be a pastor again. While it is very scary, it also feels very RIGHT.

It's Freak-Out Time

I posted the final draft of my Pastor Profile yesterday.
On December 15, I have a meeting with my District Superintendent to discuss appointment possibilities, based on my gifts and growing edges.
My packet (letter requesting end of leave and accompanying forms) to the Conference Relations Committee is complete and ready to be sent. I will probably do that tomorrow.

This is happening...with only a few hoops to jump through, I am going back under appointment. I am going to be a pastor again.

And I am terrified. Totally freaking out.

I believe with all my heart that this is what God is calling me to do. I'm a great chaplain, but my greatest gifts and joy lie in serving the local church.

I have thrived at BTUMC and love Mac and the people there, and will cry buckets of tears in June...but unless an absolute miracle happens and they suddenly have enough money to add an associate position, I have to leave BT in order to fulfill my calling. (Of course, even if they did add an associate position, I don't know if Mac would want me as his associate. It's one thing to have me in his church as a clergy person on family leave, it's another thing for us to work together on a daily basis.)

I know that God is with me, will continue to be with me, and will give me everything I need to be an effective pastor...as long as I continue to trust in Him.

Harry is a wonderfully supportive spouse and even Nora gets excited at the thought of being a "pastor's kid" (although I doubt she'll feel the same way in a few years).

I asked Mac point-blank a few weeks ago if he thought I was ready to go back, and he said he thought that I was.

My counselor (who is a retired pastor) thinks that I'm ready.

In other words, all the lights are green. God, my intuition, my family, colleagues...I am not seeing any red flags suggesting that I should wait.

But still, I'm terrified. I'm scared of myself, because I know that I am potentially both the greatest asset and the greatest hindrance to my ministry.

God has given me the gifts for being a pastor, and God will give me guidance and wisdom. I have everything it takes to be an effective pastor.
...IF I continue to rely on Him.
...IF I continue to choose faith over fear.
...IF I continue to listen to God's voice and my own intuition over the voice of others.
...IF I continue to practice good self-care and establish/maintain a good support network.

So many "ifs"...and so many are dependent on me being faithful. And I'm so scared that I will fail...

Ramblings on Giftedness, Strengths, and all that Jazz

In my annual conference, we have this thing called a "pastor profile." I imagine that every pastor has a similar thing, whether you're Methodist or not. Our profiles are actually computerized in a database, and while we can edit them at anytime, they "close" on January 15 of every year, when some lucky person burns them onto CD and distributes them to all of the District Superintendents for annual appointment-making.

So, I'm going up for appointment this year, which means that I need to update and revise my pastor profile. I began the process several weeks ago, because I really wanted to begin discerning, struggling with, and naming my gifts, strengths, and growing edges. Sometime in December, I will sit down with my District Superintendent and we'll have a conversation about my gifts, my passions, my preferences, and what sort of church I might feel God calling me to serve. Before that happens, I want to have all of that internalized so I can really "sell" myself as a potentially effective pastor.

I'm the sort of person who best processes information through talking or writing, so I thought it might help to do some of my discerning/struggling/naming on this blog. I already have a very solid draft of my profile, but I'm still trying to internalize it all AND figure out what my "ideal ministry setting" would look like (and since there is no ideal ministry setting, how much I want to compromise on that).

Over the years, I have taken tons and tons of inventories on my personality traits, strengths, and gifts. I'll recap some of those. I've taken the Myers-Briggs many times,  and I am essentially an INFP (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving). However, I function as an extravert in ministry and in social settings where I am comfortable. I'm fairly close to the "border" in terms of iNutitive/Sensing and Perceiving/Judging, as well. I'm a fairly strong "Feeler", but I can be fairly cognitively-oriented, too. In a sense, I can tap into different aspects of my personality, and find that I'm most effective when I do so.

I've taken the DISC inventory twice, and both times had me pretty much "tied" between an "I" (for Influence) and "S" (for Steadiness), which means I can vary between the perpetual cheerleader/visionary/dreamer and the team player who works to have us all hold hands and sing "Kum Ba Yah" together so we can get the job done.

I've also taken the StrengthsFinder assessment, and that's probably been the most helpful of all the inventories I've taken. I highly recommend it, and you can buy the book and take the assessment for under $20. My top five themes are: Adaptability, Connectedness, Input, Positivity, and Communication. People can use their "themes" in different ways, so here's how I see my themes playing out in my life and ministry:

• Adaptability: I am able to adapt to my environment (sort of like a chameleon) by tapping into different aspects of my personality or different gifts in order to meet the needs of different people. Sometimes I do this automatically, but sometimes I need to be a little more deliberate about it (and that's a good thing, because otherwise I can be "sucked into the system" or lose myself). For example, at BTUMC I tend to tap more into the "perceiving" part of my personality and function more as an "S" because Mac is more of a "judging" personality and I would probably peg him as an "I" (but I'm not sure). So, in our current situation with financial struggles/vision I (independently) am working to try to get everyone on the same page, and therefore functioning more as an "S". 
• Connectedness: I think this is probably my dominant strength, and all the others serve to complement it. I am a very relational person; I love people, getting to know people, meeting new people, and deepening existing relationships. I'm the sort of person who loves those "ice breaker" games and "group-building" activities. I have a burden for connecting people to each other, because I believe that it is in relationship with other humans that we are most likely to experience the transforming love and grace of God. I also have a passion for connecting people to resources that might enable them to become all God is calling them to be...whether those resources are focused on meeting material, emotional, or spiritual needs. 
• Input: Can you remember the names of 90% of the teachers and professors you've ever had? I can! Is your brain a repository of (seemingly) useless information? Mine is! I tend to be good at remembering details about people and places. I've discovered that I can use this information to better connect with people...after all, it gives most of us a warm fuzzy feeling when someone remembers the names of our children, what we do for a living, that sort of thing. 
• Positivity: I see the world through rose-colored glasses. I'm the eternal optimist. I can find something good to say about anyone. (Example: Hitler was a charismatic leader. An evil dictator who attempted to annihilate the Jewish race, but a very charismatic leader nonetheless. Imagine the good he could have accomplished...) At BT, I am currently using this strength to remind our leaders of all the ways God is working through the church to transform our community.
• Communication: I love to write. I love to preach. I love to communicate the Gospel to people. I also sense a passion for creating/improving venues for communication and ensuring that information is effectively disseminated to whomever needs to receive it. 

I also have a passion for equipping the laity to do the work of the kingdom: helping people discover their gifts, develop those gifts, and use them to transform the church, community, and world.

In a perfect world and in a perfect ministry setting, I would love to be an associate pastor and have my primary responsibilities revolve around using my gifts in relationships and connections...maybe being in charge of congregational care, small groups, and evangelism. I also really like working with youth, although I haven't done so in seven years.Actually in a perfect perfect world, I would love to primarily work with youth and young (and younger) adults (think those under 40), while focusing on the areas I mentioned above.

However, if I wind up as the solo pastor of a station church or two-point charge, I think my gifts would still be very useful; they would just mostly be on a one-on-one basis or used in one or two small groups, instead.

Mac and I are going to have a conversation about my pastor profile sometime...soon. I asked for his feedback on my gifts and strengths, and of course we're also going to wind up discussing my growing edges, which I will probably cover in my next post.

Free Falling and Defying Gravity

 

I've always been a "safe" person. The sort of person who likes guarantees, whose actions are often based on the hope (and expectation) of positive outcomes, who does things so people will like her. I thrive on feedback, especially the positive sort. I don't like taking risks. And for someone whose chief spiritual gift is "Faith", I'm really lousy about stepping out in faith in my own life. 

In the past crazy eight months, that has been, slowly but surely, changing. First there was the decision to accept Mac's offer to preach. Then there was the exploration to return to being a pastor. Next, slowly but surely, getting more involved at BT and doing things without knowing what would happen: initiating relationships instead of merely responding to the invitations of others, becoming a part of ministries (like the Endowment Fund) without knowing if I'd be good at them or not. Finally, the biggest leap is coming up in about four months: when I will look in the face of my District Superintendent and tell him, "send me". 

Through all of this, I've come to rely more and more on my own intuition, my own authority, and my own faith in myself. Most importantly, I have come to rely upon God, upon my faith in God, and upon God's faith in Patti. It's wonderful and freeing while also being terrifying and agonizing. 

A huge part of this is my growing ability and willingness to listen to my "heart" rather than my "head". I am a feeling person, a relational person. My heart tends to lead me to be in relationship with people, to reach out to others, to use the gifts God has given me. Of course, following my heart occasionally leads me to put my not-very-big (6 Narrow) foot in my mouth, so my head does come in handy from time to time. I just need to allow my heart to lead and be informed by my head, rather than allow my head to call the shots. Because, when I let my head lead, I tend to over-analyze and be anxious, which creates distance between myself and others and causes me to second-guess my gifts, my abilities, and my instincts.

In so many ways, I feel like I'm free-falling. Like I'm defying gravity. Because I'm stepping out of my self-imposed safety zones. For the first time in almost 35 years of life, I am (mostly) basing my actions not on what I "should" do, what others think I "should" do, or how other people might react to what I do. Instead, my actions are based on what I hear God telling me to do, and my confidence in my own intuition and authority (and my ability to discern God's voice).

As I said, both wonderful and terrifying. Especially when it comes to relationships, which as we all know, are at the heart of ministry. Isn't it amazing to watch God work in our lives?

Being a Normal Person: Finding Friendships with Laity

I recently read this article about solutions to the loneliness of pastoral ministry, and it hit home, particularly the advice given to find friends who are a) not clergy and b) not part of your church. Reflecting on my own pastoral experience, I've found that to be fairly challenging. When I was in Danville, everyone I knew was either a pastor, married to a pastor, or a member of my church. Seriously. I had no clue how to meet other young professionals in their late 20s/early 30s, and there weren't that many people who fell into that category, anyway. On top of all that, I was in a small community, so too many people knew me as "the pastor of St. John's." Anonymity was difficult. We did have some friends who lived about 70 miles away, and would get together with them from time to time. But local friends? Did not exist.

Now that I'm planning on going back to the parish, I'm struggling with the prospect of experiencing that sort of loneliness again. There are a few things that give me some hope. First, I have children, and I have found that they can be a bridge to potential friendships with fellow parents (play dates, preschool, school, and other interactions). Second, if I am appointed in this area (please God please God please God) then it is large enough, diverse enough, and has enough to offer that meeting other young (under 40) people shouldn't be a problem. Third (and this is also dependent on me being appointed in this area), we already have a few friends here, and those relationships can help support us. Specifically, we have a husband and wife who are probably our best friends, whose son is in between Nora and Walter in age, and who we have known for almost a decade. Since they've known me before I was "Pastor Patti", they see me as a normal person, and I feel perfectly comfortable being transparent and human and knocking back margaritas with them.

However, I do worry about how I'm going to make new friendships in the community. I guess I'm just not the sort of person who makes friends easily. I'm friendly, and can carry on a conversation very well...and I can certainly have many acquaintances. But true friendships, where both parties feel comfortable letting their guard down and being themselves? I don't have a whole lot of those, and struggle with how to make the bridge from acquaintance to friend.

So...how do you typically meet non-clergy, non-church friends?

One More Year...

There's a story from Greek mythology about the warrior Odysseus (of "The Odyssey" fame) and his encounter with the Sirens of the sea. As his ship neared the place where the Sirens (women with beautiful voices who lured unsuspecting sailors to shipwreck on their island) where rumored to be, Odysseus ordered his men to stuff their ears with wax (so they wouldn't hear the Sirens' song) and tie Odysseus to the mast, so he could hear the Sirens, but couldn't escape. When he heard the song, he implored his men to let him go free, but they did not, ensuring that the ship continued on to its destination.

One year from today, in fact one year from this moment, I will have just finished my first Sunday in my new appointment. That's my vision, and I believe that's God's vision, as well. I've realized over the past few days that I have spent the past 15 years trying to talk myself out of a call to parish ministry. I have certainly begun the journey to return to being a pastor, but the next year (especially the next five months, when I need to take certain steps to go off leave, to meet with my District Superintendent, to get on the appointment list, to update my pastor profile, etc) will be crucial. I will get cold feet. I will hear the Sirens singing to me of extension ministries, of another year of family leave, of all sorts of other options besides my intended destination. I will hear them singing warnings about all the pain, heartbreak, and frustration of local church ministry. I will hear them singing about how I can't do it, how I'm not good enough...and if I allow myself to get distracted by those songs, I will shipwreck and never arrive at my destination.

So...I'm asking for you to journey with me...to stuff your ears with wax, to tie me to the mast, and to keep rowing past the Sirens. And when I express my doubts and fears, remind me of our final destination and don't untie me until we arrive.

One more year...I am excited and nervous and terrified all at once.

Preaching Styles and Methods

In seminary, I was encouraged to preach without notes, and that method of preaching was held as a standard for effective preaching. In fact, my preaching professor (none other than Ellsworth Kalas, for you Methodist folk), required us to preach all our sermons without notes. So, I did it. But in my opinion, I sucked at it. I just couldn't get comfortable enough with my sermon to preach it with the confidence and authority needed.

When I entered parish ministry, I began preaching with a manuscript, but over time was able to preach with an outline, as long as my introduction and conclusion were either written out or had very detailed notes. Of course, once I left SJ and wasn't preaching every Sunday, I fell out of practice and the few times I did preach, I preached with a manuscript.

I've mentioned how highly I think of Mac's preaching. For a long long time, I thought he preached without any notes, except for the occasional quote or the like. And it seems that he is able to do that fairly frequently in our 11am service (the second one). However, the first Sunday I served as a liturgist at 8:15, I saw him bring some pages to the pulpit when it was time for him to preach. While I wouldn't say that he was READING them constantly, he would refer to them from time to time. Later on, he admitted that he preaches with a manuscript.

I mentioned in an earlier post how much I loved Samuel Wells' preaching at our Annual Conference. Well, HE used a manuscript, although his preaching style is vastly different from Mac's (whose preaching style I love, but it's hard to describe). So, there you go. Two preachers who I greatly admire, who both prepare and preach from manuscripts. I'm sure there are more.

Over the past few months, I have tried to begin preaching without notes or with just an outline, but I find it really difficult. I've discovered that I'm far more effective when I use a manuscript, especially if I have enough time to read through it and practice it multiple times before actually preaching. Part of it may be that I'm still gaining confidence in my preaching ability, but another part of me wonders if it's just a matter of preference.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've decided to allow myself the freedom to preach from a manuscript, without having an inferiority complex about it.

Reader Participation Sunday: Pastoral Counselor or Spiritual Director?

It has become clear to me that I need someone to talk to on a regular basis, someone who can help me discern and sort and wrestle with what I hear God telling me, and who can help me work through the challenges and struggles that life brings me. While I have been meeting with Mac every 2-4 weeks, and will continue to do so, I would rather use that time to pick his brain about other things AND possibly be available for him, if the opportunity arises. There are also issues that I would rather not discuss with Mac; not because I don't trust him, but for other reasons.

I came to this realization (that I need help, that I need an additional resource) on Tuesday night. It had been a busy week and weekend. I worked 13.5 hours on Saturday, was then on-call Saturday night (and received two pages), attended church (where the special music and accompanying video made me cry), went to two different potlucks, and was then on-call again on Monday night (when I got yet another page). By Tuesday, I was exhausted. By Tuesday afternoon, I was sobbing on and off, and realized that I could not attend the very important campaign meeting that evening, simply because of my mental state.

I called Mac on Wednesday, and he made time for me on Friday, and we discussed self-care strategies and I shared that I clearly need help with self-management (such as knowing when I need to rest before things reach a critical point, building rest and care into my schedule, etc). He shared with me some of the strategies he uses, and invited me to share some of those (a small group, a clergy discussion group).

So, I'm going to use the next few months to build a support network for myself, with the hope that I'll be appointed in this area and will have these resources in place. My first step is what I mentioned before: someone who I can talk to, who can help me sort through my thoughts, and who will aid me in discovering and following God's will in my life.

The two clearest options for the sort of resource I'm describing are either a spiritual director or a pastoral counselor. I live in an area where either are readily available, and even have the number for several pastoral counselors. I cannot utilize both at this time, for financial reasons. My insurance would pay for the pastoral counselor, but I would probably need to pay out of pocket for the spiritual director, and I don't know how much that would cost.

I'm leaning towards the pastoral counseling option, but I wanted to hear your thoughts. Which have you found most helpful?

Book Recommendations

I've started reading non-fiction, pastor-type books again, in preparation for the Great Comeback (aka my return to being Pastor Patti).

I'm currently reading: Culture Making by Andy Crouch, A Failure of Nerve by Edwin Friedman, and will soon start on The Apostolic Congregation by George Hunter. Click on the title to go to the Amazon page for each book.

Once those are done, what else should I read? I'm especially seeking books that are good for a "sort of" new pastor.

Sermon For Ash Wednesday

Rev. Patti W&H

Ash Wednesday

BTUMC

March 9, 2011

Joel 2:1-2, 12-17

“There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus”

-Blaise Pascal

“A Matter of Heart”

          There is a man named Blaise Pascal who lived over 400 years ago. He was a Frenchman and an absolutely brilliant mathematician whose ideas are respected and studied today. Pascal was also a faithful Christian. Like many of us, he grew up in a Christian home, and like many of us who grew up in the church, in Christian homes, his faith was mostly intellectual. Pascal believed in God and probably even went to church on a regular basis, but there was very little connection between his faith and his day-to-day life. Many of us can identify with that: we come to church each week, we sing the songs, we pray the prayers, we hear the sermons, we go to Sunday School, we go to meetings…but most of what we hear and experience remains in our heads, and doesn’t make our way to our hearts. We are not changed, our lives are not changed.

          That was certainly true for Blaise Pascal, until 1654, when, at the age of 31, Pascal was thrown from his horse and into the roadway. He took that experience as a warning from God to change his life and his priorities, and later that night he experienced God’s love and grace in a powerful way. From that moment, Pascal fell in love with God and his relationship with God took precedence over everything else, including his passion for mathematics. His heart was changed, and therefore his life was changed. He began giving sacrificially to help the poor and he published several writings about the Christian faith. Many of us know Pascal for a certain quote that is attributed to him: “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.” In other words, we all have a God-shaped hole in our hearts, and spend our lives seeking ways to fill that hole, but the only way to fill that hole is by letting God into our hearts and letting God change our hearts and our lives.

As I reflected on the story of Blaise Pascal, I was reminded of today’s Old Testament lesson. It’s from the book of Joel, towards the end of the Old Testament. Joel was a prophet, which means that he shared God’s messages, God’s truth, with the people of Israel.  In this particular passage, Joel is warning the Israelites that the day of the Lord, the day of God’s judgment is coming, and it is not a day to look forward to:  darkness, gloom, a powerful army marching on God’s people. Blow the trumpet and sound the alarm, because Doomsday is just around the corner. It’s the sort of announcement that shakes us to our core, and causes us to wonder, “is there anything we can do to prepare ourselves?”

          Joel answers that question with a resounding yes. The answer is to repent, to return to God with all our hearts, with the traditional signs of repentance: fasting (refraining from certain activities), weeping (deep emotion), and mourning (deep sadness over loss).  We repent when we make a spiritual U-turn: when we turn around and head towards God instead of away from God.  It’s what we’re doing when we confess our sins to God. But it goes deeper than  external activities, because we are to return to God with all our hearts, by “rending our hearts but not our garments”; in Biblical times, it was traditional to show repentance or mourning by tearing a hole in your garment, right in the area of the heart; sort of like this (Patti rips hole in shirt). Rending our hearts is a totally different ballgame: instead of ripping a hole in fabric, we are ripping a hole in our heart, a muscle, a vital organ, possibly the most vital organ in our body. Ripping a hole in clothing is a symbolic gesture: ripping a hole in our heart is the real deal; it’s a total life change. We are opening our hearts to God, and inviting God to come and change our hearts, and our lives. That tends to make us a little bit uncomfortable, because a heart opened up to God is a heart that is willing to love who God loves and follow where God leads, even though we will move outside of our comfort zone, even though we will experience pain, even though we will experience great and scary change in our lives. Bob Pierce, the founder of World Vision, once said, “let my heart be broken by the things that break God’s heart.”   A changed heart sees people through God’s eyes and sees the world through God’s eyes, and sometimes what God sees in this world is heart-breaking. When our hearts are changed by God, when our hearts are broken by what breaks God’s heart, our lives are transformed so that we, as individuals and as a community, look and act more like Jesus every day, so that we can be God’s agents of change in the world.

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of our Lenten journey. At the beginning of this service, we all wrote a commitment down on a slip of paper. Maybe it was to give something up for the next forty days, maybe it was to take something on for the next forty days, maybe it was for both. In a few minutes, the ashes from those commitments will be placed on our foreheads, in the shape of a cross. We will hear the words, “from dust you are made, and to dust you shall return.” Those words and this day remind us of our place in this world. They remind us that God is God, and we are not God, that we are mortal. That someday, the things of this world will pass away, and all that will be left will be our relationship with God, as individuals and as a community, and the fruits of that relationship. As we already know, it is so easy to simply go through the motions of our spiritual life, even to go through the motions of Lent. It is easy to fill that God-shaped hole in our hearts with distractions of this world: possessions, activities, friends, family, and even ministry. Yes, even ministry can distract us from our relationship with God. This Lent, as we journey towards the cross and journey towards Easter, let’s make it our goal as individuals and as a community to engage in self-reflection, to examine what might be keeping us from a deeper relationship with God, what we might be using to fill that hole in our heart that only God can fill. Let’s make room in our hearts for God to come in and change our hearts and change our lives so we can change our world with God’s love. Safiya Fousa, who is part of the General Board of Discipleship of the United Methodist Church, describes today this way: The gift of the day is personal reflection, a season of confession, and change. Start the arduous journey from shadow to substance, from ritual to reality, from façade to faith. Today, choose the harder course. It is easier to buy new clothing than to mend a soul.

It is easier to buy new clothing than to mend a soul. Today we begin a journey, lasting forty days, that gives us the opportunity to walk with Jesus to the foot of the cross and be transformed forever by His love and grace. It’s a  long journey, a painful journey, but a journey that we do not go on alone. We are surrounded not only by God’s love and grace and promise to never leave us or forsake us, but also by each other. We are on this journey with others who are rending their hearts, who are creating space for God, who are allowing God to change their hearts and lives.

          We will leave this place with our foreheads marked with a sign of repentance. Let us also leave here having opened our hearts to God, and invited God in to enlarge our hearts, to change our hearts, and to change us, so that this Lent, we can be transformed as individuals and as a church community, so others will see God in our midst and be changed as well.

Finance, Freedom, and Fear

No, I still haven't gotten together with my pastor (I'll call him Mac. I am SO creative with my pseudonyms). I haven't called him, either. I'm actually thinking that I'll wait until after Monday night's Church Council meeting, because by that point I'll actually have a much better idea of the ministry needs of the church and where I might best "fit in." We also didn't make it to Sunday School, but not for lack of trying. We were all dressed and ready by 8:50, when Walter began screaming his little head off. Poor guy was tired and wanted a nap, so I put him in his crib. I then decided that Nora and I would go to Sunday School. Before I could put my coat on, both of my pagers (I have one for each hospital) started going off. Thankfully, I didn't have to go in for anything, but it was 9:30 by the time I finished dealing with everything. Maybe next Sunday? I'm hoping to transition Walter to a later nap, so that he can nap in the nursery and we can make it to Sunday School.

On Wednesday night, I went to a Finance Committee meeting. I was fairly anxious about it, because of my experience at SJ, where our Finance meetings were always unbelievably depressing. This one wasn't that depressing. Granted, there were serious and scary topics discussed (the congregation is feeling the effects of the economy, and their monthly mortgage payment is more than my annual salary was at SJ), but there was a "we're in this together" attitude and a "we're going to make it through this" attitude. There was fear present (understandable, since they're in a financial crunch), but I also sensed hope. And that meeting made me even more thankful that I am part of this congregation and gave me a stronger desire to serve them, even in a fairly limited capacity for now.

It's occurred to me that as non-appointed clergy in this congregation, I have a certain amount of freedom that I certainly won't have when I become Pastor Patti again. At BTUMC, I am not the pastor. That's Mac's job. I just get to be Patti. Sure, I may have the occasional opportunity to act in a pastoral capacity (preaching, teaching, visitation), but by and large, I will be interacting with the congregation as a fellow member (although I'm a member of the Annual Conference, not of the local congregation). That means that I can show my personality without fear of retribution, that I can crack jokes about only being at meetings so I can get out of the house and away from the kids, and that I can (as the opportunity arises) make friends with people, share my wounds, and receive healing.

I've found that as I do things for the first time in a while and/or since SJ (preaching, teaching, meetings), I have to face certain fears that I didn't know were still present. However, each time I face those fears and try to overcome them (by going to a meeting, by accepting a preaching engagement, by showing my personality), I find that old, painful memories are replaced with new, better experiences. I feel like my experience and image of the church is being slowly redeemed. Yay!

I just hope that BTUMC can handle my occasional snarky sense of humor.

Re-Entering

I've been...out-of-sorts lately. Up in the air. Feeling tossed about. Yet, at the same time, feeling a spiritual peace and confidence that I haven't felt in years.

I know what God wants me to do, is calling me to do. I know that I want to do it. The "it", of course, is returning to the local church as a pastor. This is pretty amazing given that even three months ago I was actively looking for chaplain jobs and feeling pretty sure that I was going to make a career out of extension ministry.

Of course, three months ago I was still essentially giving God the cold shoulder and my spiritual antennae were fairly dull. These days, it seems that everywhere I go and everything I hear is pointing in the same direction: back to the local church, back to Pride Rock (see previous post). Even my pastor's sermons seem directed towards this, although I'm fairly certain that he's not preparing them going, "let's see, what pep talk can I give Patti this week? Screw the other 300+ people who'll be there, what does Patti need to hear?" But it FEELS that way sometimes.

Part 1 of my plan for becoming ready to be Pastor Patti again is to really and fully re-enter the church, specifically the congregation of which I am a part. We've sort of been pew-warmers for the past two-and-a-half years, and sometimes not even that (I can't tell you how many Sundays we missed when I was pregnant and Walter was a newborn). We haven't been part of a Sunday School class, we haven't been involved in ministries, we haven't really done anything beyond attending Sunday worship. I know, it's sad. I'm CLERGY, for crying out loud. It's just...sad.

So, this Sunday I'm bound and determined that we will make it to Sunday School and we will find a class to attend. It may take several weeks, but we will find a class/small group that we like. And we will attend it every week, along with worship. (Except, of course, on the Sundays when I have had a really rough night or receive a page after 7:00 a.m. Because, of course, I'm on call every Saturday night, from 9:00 pm to 10:30 am.)

Harry is gaining himself the reputation as Mr. Computer Fix-it in the church office. I'm sure he will find another niche for his (many) gifts. Our pastor (I don't know if I've mentioned this, but the more I get to know the guy, the more I like him. Not that I ever disliked him, but he's one of those people who's kind of hard to get to know. But he's an excellent preacher, apparently a good leader since he's been at this church for 11 years, and lest we forget HE LET ME PREACH.) has apparently put my name on several committees, including the Administrative Council. I may begin attending them in the near future, just for the opportunity to be a "fly on the wall" and learn from observation.

But first, before I attend any meetings, I'm going to do what I should have done months and months ago, perhaps even over a year ago: I am going to make an appointment with my pastor, sit down with him, and tell him my story in the most succinct manner possible. I will do that this week (you know, the week of the 9th). Or, at least MAKE the appointment, even if it winds up being next week.

And maybe after I spill my guts to him, he'll tell me if he's moving or not. Or, at least what the possibility is. (:

Can someone hold me accountable to the "meet with pastor" thing? Bug me until I say I've done it? Thanks.

Getting Ready to Return

I've decided that my vocational mission this year is to get myself ready to return to full-time ministry by July 2012 (the United Methodist appointment year goes from July 1 to June 30). I want to be in the best shape possible in terms of spiritual health, emotional stability, and my confidence in my ability to effectively lead a congregation.

Over the past two-and-a-half years, I have reflected a lot on what I could have done differently in the Saint John's situation and what I will do differently when I return to being a pastor (note the use of the word "when". I'm now certain that it is a "when" and not an "if"). However, I've never actually put those thoughts and ideas in writing; they've just remained in my head. I think it's time to express them "out loud", so to speak.

Even if I were to begin a new appointment today, I know that things would be different. I am not the same naive 29-year-old who walked through the doors of Saint John's in 2006. Obviously, I'm not 29 any more. (: I also weigh about 20 lbs more than that woman and have some unsightly stretch marks. But there are deeper changes that aren't noticeable to the naked eye. I am far, far more realistic and pragmatic now than I was back then. I have an additional four units of Clinical Pastoral Education, and a pretty good handle on basic Family Systems theory. I am a stronger person, and am less "rocked" by the petty things in life. I have increased empathy for people and situations that are different from myself.

But, I'm still growing in my confidence and ability to lead/order the ministry of the church. I think my self-confidence was damaged enough that I need to spend some time developing relationships within the church, to regain my equilibrium in that area. I've still never done a traditional church funeral (remember, no one died while I was at Saint John's). I've also just begun to really re-involve myself in the local church. And then there's the matter of my relationship with God, which is being renewed after two years of negligence.

At the end of my CPE residency, I did a creative verbatim using scenes from "The Lion King" to illustrate my experience in the local church and healing afterward. This scene (click on the link to view it on YouTube) pretty much sums up my attitude in 2006; excited, but not having a clue about what I was walking into:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGaLVJ9U52I


When I do take another appointment, my attitude will be much more like Simba in this clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ea4uc_1VGSE
Informed by the past, confident in who I am, but most importantly, confident in the One who called me and who is saying, "Remember who you are."

I Should Have Known It Wasn't Nerves

Everything went fine, thank you for the prayers. I had people seek me out and tell me how much they enjoyed the sermon, which says something, I think.

However, I threw up in between services, but thought it was just nerves (never mind that I NEVER throw up from nerves). I prayed that God would help me feel well enough to finish the service, in case it was something besides nerves.

God came through. Within an hour of coming home, I had thrown up again and was feeling chills and shakes.

Looks like I brought the Word...and maybe a touch of stomach flu to BTUMC.

Oh, and I got an honorarium! A very very very generous honorarium, too. I had thought I was doing this out of the goodness of my heart, so didn't expect the honorarium.

Just Like Riding a Bike, My Foot!

I am so incredibly nervous and wound up about tomorrow. I've been trying to channel my anxiety through preparation, but there comes a time when there's not much more that I can do. Or rather, if I prepared any more it might just make things worse.

Part of me wanted to preach this sermon without notes, but I don't know if that will happen. It depends upon how nervous I am. I am a believer in preaching without notes, and feel that it is more effective than a manuscript. However, it's not very effective if you're stumbling through the sermon.

Why am I so nervous about something that I have done many times before? I did this every Sunday for almost two years. You'd think this was my first preaching engagement, ever!

Here are my thoughts:
-I haven't preached or led worship in 18 months. I'm sort of out of practice.
-I have NEVER preached or led worship in this setting...in this congregation. I've been attending the church for over a year, but there's a big difference between warming a pew and being up front.
-I was originally supposed to just preach at 11:00, but the person who was supposed to preach at the 8:15 service had a family emergency and had to go out of town. So, I'm preaching at both services. I've never even BEEN to the 8:15 service. I think the unknown is freaking me out.
-I've never preached in front of more than 60 people. The 8:15 service has approximately twice that attendance, and the 11:00 service has about 200 regular attenders. Yes, yes, audience of one, and all that...but it's still scary.
-I think that I'm way too focused on what others will think/how people will respond to me, to my leadership, to the sermon. I'm hoping some time in prayer will ease those thoughts.
-My last few preaching experiences weren't that great...in the sense that I didn't feel that I really did a great job. That affects my confidence.
-I'm pleased with this sermon...but not absolutely PASSIONATE about it. Maybe that will change once I get into the pulpit.

In other news, I had my meeting with my District Superintendent on Thursday. It went decently. We basically both decided that I need another year of leave before being totally ready to go back under appointment. My plan is to corral my pastor as soon as he returns from vacation, throw myself at his feet, and beg for ministry opportunities. I think it will work, because I am, after all, FREE. Who wouldn't want the services of a credentialed minister for FREE? Right? I'm crossing my fingers that he doesn't move this year, but am sensing that's a strong possibility. If he does move, that means that I'll have to establish a new relationship with the new pastor (not that my current pastor and I are BFFs or anything, but I certainly like him), and hope that he/she is receptive.

This didn't help as much as I thought it would. I'm going to go pray. And read the Bible. And pray again.

Can you please pray, too? Mostly for peace, and confidence, and that the Holy Spirit will speak through me.

Argh...

One week from today, I have a meeting with my District Superintendent. It means exactly what you think it means...that I'm trying to discern whether or not to seek an appointment this year. It's a God thing...and I would appreciate your prayers.

I'm working on the sermon for January 2, and hoping and praying that my pastor does indeed come through (as he said he would) with an e-mail about details for that Sunday. I'll breathe easier when that happens. But, if he doesn't for some reason (SIDE NOTE: I am notoriously bad about returning e-mails when I get busy/overwhelmed, and since people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, I tend to be fairly understanding) I have a Plan B for getting the information I need (it involves calling the church office on Monday and doing the legwork myself). I'll just feel better once I get the information.

And of course, I'm putting myself under all sorts of unnecessary pressure about this sermon. I realize how ridiculous it is, how I need to merely focus on being faithful to God, to the Word, to the process of preparation. However, I keep having this fear that I'm going to totally BOMB, and I want so much for this to go well, for it to be the kind of sermon that knocks peoples socks off. My plan is to send a CD of the worship service to my D.S., so I have this need/want for it to be the best sermon I've ever preached. It may not be, of course. I would, however, like for it to be good enough that the DS watches it and goes, "oh, well, she can preach, can't she" and that my pastor asks me to preach for him again.

I'm also working on an account of my time at Saint John's for the D.S. I'm on my third version, because I just can't keep it relatively brief and also complete.

And I just finished Christmas shopping today, and probably won the Worst Mother of the Day award at the pediatricians' office because Walter was crying the entire time (he wanted a nap and a bottle, but I had forgotten to bring a bottle) and he wasn't even the patient. Nora was the patient. She's fine; she might have a UTI but we're going to ride out the weekend and see what happens.

I'm hoping to finish the sermon in time to post it here for feedback. So, stay tuned.

Oh, and pray for me at 10am on the 30th, will you? Please? This sort of terrifies me.