I'll give you the details later in this post, but I'll get to the bottom line first: I decided to take the appointment. Beginning July 1, I will once again be a pastor.
After I talked to both District Superintendents, Harry and I spent the weekend praying and talking and discerning. I spoke with a few close clergy friends (poor Mac and Helen; they bore the brunt of my angst and questions. I think I called Mac about four times over the weekend) who offered comfort and wisdom. By Monday morning, Harry and I had decided to move forward with the appointment. I called Essie, and she scheduled a "Meet Your Pastor" meeting for the next week.
Then, on Monday night, Harry looked at me and said, "I can't do this." Meaning move to the Eastern Shore, live in a parsonage, and possibly subject ourselves to what we had experienced before. He changed his mind, but seeing his anguish made me question whether or not I should take this appointment or not. I spent a couple hours with Mac the next day, venting and processing, and he said something that made a huge difference: "before you call Essie and cancel the meeting, make a plan for how you will spend the next year." So, I began thinking and planning. I didn't really want to stay at BTUMC if Mac wasn't going to be there, and didn't know how the next pastor would feel about me. Mac's new church was still an unknown, so he couldn't promise me any sort of significant role there (plus, since it's the church I attended for a year, I knew that he probably wouldn't need me). My friend Prisca said that I could be an unpaid staff member at her church, and she even had a ministry opportunity for me. I also looked at a few part-time ministry positions on my current district.
But...in doing all of that, I felt somewhat depressed. I felt like I was back where I had been two years ago, when I was still discerning what God wanted me to do for the rest of my life. However, I knew what God wanted me to do; I knew what I wanted to do: be a pastor. And since Harry was willing to move with me and support me, I didn't feel like I had a really valid reason to turn down the appointment...besides fear. This was the first roadblock I had encountered in my process of returning to full-time ministry. Except for this one issue, I was getting green lights everywhere else.
So, with Harry's support and my sense that this was God's will, I met with the Pastor Parish Relations Committee of my new appointment. There are two churches, which I'll call Cherry UMC and Bayside UMC (C and B to be short). The meeting went really well...I think this is a really good match for my gifts, and the people seem very gracious. I like Essie (my new DS) and also like Daisy (my code name for my PPR chair).
We've seen the parsonage (it's OK, but we'll miss our home) and we're hoping to be able to rent our house to a friend who is moving to this area. We can't sell it, and really don't want to rent it to total strangers, in case they trash it. I have the kids enrolled in a local daycare/preschool, and they start on July 2.
I'm going to be a pastor again. While it is very scary, it also feels very RIGHT.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Never Presume to Assume...
I got the call at 11am on Thursday. A two-point charge on the Eastern Shore of Virginia, so about 50 miles from my house. A bit of a distance, but commutable. It sounded like a decent match. One small detail: the "receiving" DS said that the church really wanted someone who would "live among them". I didn't say anything right then, just thanked both my DS (whom I'll call Phil) and the receiving DS (whom I'll call Essie).
Over the next 24 hours or so, Harry and I talked about and thought about the "living among them" phrase. Our assumption going into this process was that either a) I would commute to and from the church every day or b) if it was a long distance, I would at least establish some sort of residence in the community and Harry and the kids would stay in our area. Clearly, we were praying like crazy for an appointment nearby. Because we're $30K underwater in our home, we can't sell it right now, so we cannot move the whole family at this time.
So, yesterday (Friday) morning I called Essie and asked her how big of a deal it was that I not live in the community. Apparently, the church considers it to be a deal-breaker. Essie was very gracious and told me that she would call the Staff-Parish chair at this church, but thought that my living outside of the community just wouldn't work. She told me we'd be in touch.
Less than an hour later, I received a call from Phil (my current DS). He was livid. Why hadn't I told him that we owned a home (he never asked; he knew we lived in the area, but he didn't ask if we rented or owned)? Why hadn't I told him about our mortgage (see above, but also because I don't think it would have made a difference)? Why hadn't we thought this through more (well, we had; I was going to move by myself)?
An hour after that, he called back, somewhat mollified, and said that he had talked to Essie more about my situation. They had both decided that if this appointment is going to work, MY ENTIRE FAMILY has to move to the Eastern Shore. Not just me, but my entire family. I have until Monday to decide and let them know. Phil also told me that if this appointment "falls through", then I'll have to be on Family Leave for another year. That sort of stinks (after all, I'm willing to accept the appointment, they're the ones putting up unreasonable demands, so why should I lose out), but I don't have much control over that. He invited me to call Essie and ask her questions.
Harry and I talked, and we agreed that I could offer to move onto the Eastern Shore and live in that community. Assuming that I could find childcare, I would even be willing to have the kids spend the summer with me and maybe a few days a week after that. I made the offer to Essie, who didn't think it would be enough, but was going to take it back to the Staff-Parish chair.
Harry is willing, but reluctant, to move onto the Eastern Shore and commute to work every day. However, we need to decide if that's what God is calling us to do. If God is calling us to give up our house, our suburban lifestyle and the comforts thereof and move to an extremely rural community with few children and few families our age and an uncertain future with this church, then we'll do it. On the other hand, if God is calling us to give up this appointment and possibly even my career in the UMC, we'll do that. But either choice will have major consequences, and I'm not willing to deal with those circumstances unless I know I'm following God's will.
There are also some red flags in my mind about boundaries and this church. If they're going to demand where I live and where my family lives, will they also make other inappropriate demands? Will they be upset if they don't see my car in the driveway enough? Or if I spend "too much" time on the other side of the water? Will they expect Harry to be the perfect pastor's spouse, dress up every Sunday, and show up to men's breakfasts? If I give them an inch, will they take a mile? Because if that happens, then this will turn out to be a bad appointment.
So, I have until Monday to listen for, discern, and then follow God's voice and call...and be strong enough to handle the consequences.
Do I stand firm to my boundaries and risk losing this appointment and possibly my career?
Do I move my family to the Eastern Shore and deal with a church (two churches, actually) that will probably not respect my boundaries, and result in either myself or them getting hurt?
The question is, what is God calling me to do?
Prayers are welcome. Thanks.
Over the next 24 hours or so, Harry and I talked about and thought about the "living among them" phrase. Our assumption going into this process was that either a) I would commute to and from the church every day or b) if it was a long distance, I would at least establish some sort of residence in the community and Harry and the kids would stay in our area. Clearly, we were praying like crazy for an appointment nearby. Because we're $30K underwater in our home, we can't sell it right now, so we cannot move the whole family at this time.
So, yesterday (Friday) morning I called Essie and asked her how big of a deal it was that I not live in the community. Apparently, the church considers it to be a deal-breaker. Essie was very gracious and told me that she would call the Staff-Parish chair at this church, but thought that my living outside of the community just wouldn't work. She told me we'd be in touch.
Less than an hour later, I received a call from Phil (my current DS). He was livid. Why hadn't I told him that we owned a home (he never asked; he knew we lived in the area, but he didn't ask if we rented or owned)? Why hadn't I told him about our mortgage (see above, but also because I don't think it would have made a difference)? Why hadn't we thought this through more (well, we had; I was going to move by myself)?
An hour after that, he called back, somewhat mollified, and said that he had talked to Essie more about my situation. They had both decided that if this appointment is going to work, MY ENTIRE FAMILY has to move to the Eastern Shore. Not just me, but my entire family. I have until Monday to decide and let them know. Phil also told me that if this appointment "falls through", then I'll have to be on Family Leave for another year. That sort of stinks (after all, I'm willing to accept the appointment, they're the ones putting up unreasonable demands, so why should I lose out), but I don't have much control over that. He invited me to call Essie and ask her questions.
Harry and I talked, and we agreed that I could offer to move onto the Eastern Shore and live in that community. Assuming that I could find childcare, I would even be willing to have the kids spend the summer with me and maybe a few days a week after that. I made the offer to Essie, who didn't think it would be enough, but was going to take it back to the Staff-Parish chair.
Harry is willing, but reluctant, to move onto the Eastern Shore and commute to work every day. However, we need to decide if that's what God is calling us to do. If God is calling us to give up our house, our suburban lifestyle and the comforts thereof and move to an extremely rural community with few children and few families our age and an uncertain future with this church, then we'll do it. On the other hand, if God is calling us to give up this appointment and possibly even my career in the UMC, we'll do that. But either choice will have major consequences, and I'm not willing to deal with those circumstances unless I know I'm following God's will.
There are also some red flags in my mind about boundaries and this church. If they're going to demand where I live and where my family lives, will they also make other inappropriate demands? Will they be upset if they don't see my car in the driveway enough? Or if I spend "too much" time on the other side of the water? Will they expect Harry to be the perfect pastor's spouse, dress up every Sunday, and show up to men's breakfasts? If I give them an inch, will they take a mile? Because if that happens, then this will turn out to be a bad appointment.
So, I have until Monday to listen for, discern, and then follow God's voice and call...and be strong enough to handle the consequences.
Do I stand firm to my boundaries and risk losing this appointment and possibly my career?
Do I move my family to the Eastern Shore and deal with a church (two churches, actually) that will probably not respect my boundaries, and result in either myself or them getting hurt?
The question is, what is God calling me to do?
Prayers are welcome. Thanks.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sometimes You Can Tell From the Little Things
Over the years, I have realized that there is a distinction between those whom we call "clergy friends." There are clergy friends and then there are clergy FRIENDS. There are clergy whom we call friends, with whom we have perfectly good collegial relationships, but we only see each other at clergy events and don't get very deep with each other.
On the other side of things are clergy who may have begun in the above category, but who have become real and true friends over the course of time. They are friends who are also clergy. We share a vocation and delight in seeing each other at clergy events, we can work well together, but there is more to the relationship than just being clergy. We can trust each other, and share secrets together, and rejoice and cry together.
I've often thought that the sign that a relationship is moving from the first category to the second is when the boundaries between our professional and personal lives become more fluid...and it's on a mutual basis. In other words, a clergy friend has become a FRIEND when you can feel free to call them on their day off, and vice verse.
Over the past year or so, my relationship with Mac has morphed in ways that I hadn't expected...at least from my point of view. I began by seeing him as my pastor and in a totally different league than me...and couldn't imagine viewing him as even close to an equal. But then I began seeing more of his human side, and he probably saw my human side...and that put him in a more realistic light. My increased sense of authority and awareness of the gifts that I bring to the table and to our relationship also helped things. And while I can't put my finger on when or how or why the change occurred, I've sensed a depth to our relationship in the past month or two that didn't exist before. It gives me confidence and hope that even after we "part ways" in June (meaning, going to our different churches), that our relationship will continue beyond just seeing each other at Annual Conference and being F*cebo*ok friends.
Anyway, all of that crystallized in one amazing moment this morning at the Golden Trees luncheon. We were sitting at different tables, but our paths crossed at one point and he asked if I had heard anything. I said no, but he would be one of the first people I called...unless I heard something tomorrow (Thursday is his day off). He told me that if I heard tomorrow, to call him, because he wants to celebrate with me. I reminded him that there's a possibility that the news might have me in tears...and then he said, "we can cry together."
So, Mac invited me to call him on his day off...which he protects vigilantly. He even wants me to call if I'm upset about the news I hear.
That speaks volumes to me. Sometimes, it's the little things that say the most.
On the other side of things are clergy who may have begun in the above category, but who have become real and true friends over the course of time. They are friends who are also clergy. We share a vocation and delight in seeing each other at clergy events, we can work well together, but there is more to the relationship than just being clergy. We can trust each other, and share secrets together, and rejoice and cry together.
I've often thought that the sign that a relationship is moving from the first category to the second is when the boundaries between our professional and personal lives become more fluid...and it's on a mutual basis. In other words, a clergy friend has become a FRIEND when you can feel free to call them on their day off, and vice verse.
Over the past year or so, my relationship with Mac has morphed in ways that I hadn't expected...at least from my point of view. I began by seeing him as my pastor and in a totally different league than me...and couldn't imagine viewing him as even close to an equal. But then I began seeing more of his human side, and he probably saw my human side...and that put him in a more realistic light. My increased sense of authority and awareness of the gifts that I bring to the table and to our relationship also helped things. And while I can't put my finger on when or how or why the change occurred, I've sensed a depth to our relationship in the past month or two that didn't exist before. It gives me confidence and hope that even after we "part ways" in June (meaning, going to our different churches), that our relationship will continue beyond just seeing each other at Annual Conference and being F*cebo*ok friends.
Anyway, all of that crystallized in one amazing moment this morning at the Golden Trees luncheon. We were sitting at different tables, but our paths crossed at one point and he asked if I had heard anything. I said no, but he would be one of the first people I called...unless I heard something tomorrow (Thursday is his day off). He told me that if I heard tomorrow, to call him, because he wants to celebrate with me. I reminded him that there's a possibility that the news might have me in tears...and then he said, "we can cry together."
So, Mac invited me to call him on his day off...which he protects vigilantly. He even wants me to call if I'm upset about the news I hear.
That speaks volumes to me. Sometimes, it's the little things that say the most.
Friday, March 16, 2012
The Death Knell is Getting Louder...Is Anyone Listening? Part 1
I am an idealist. I am also a moderate rebel, a square peg in a round hole.
I see the way things can be, and I have this huge desire to do whatever I can to make them be that way.
I have no problem following the rules as long as I agree with them; as long as they make sense. When the rules don't make sense, when I don't agree with them, I tend to chafe against them and have a desire to push the envelope.
And I am part of a denomination that clings to a structure and system that don't work, that refuses to even admit that there is something wrong, much less refuses to change anything.
Here are my two rants: APPORTIONMENTS and the ITINERANT SYSTEM
First, APPORTIONMENTS
In my annual conference, the SINGLE measure for pastoral effectiveness is whether or not a church pays their apportionments (the amount, determined by the annual conference, that the local church pays to support the missions and ministries of the conference and denomination...which sounds great, but essentially supports the bureaucracy of the denomination). We track professions of faith, laity involvement, discipleship opportunities, etc, but based on what a number of clergy colleagues have told me, you can have people coming to Jesus left and right, highly developed lay leaders, a multitude of small groups, and incredible outreach to the community, but if your church does not pay its apportionments...you are an ineffective pastor. End of story.
I find myself intensely struggling with that. On the one hand, I believe that as long as apportionments exist, churches should strive to pay them and pastors should encourage their churches to pay apportionments, because the money does do amazing things...despite also helping to support a bureaucracy.
On the other hand, I have personally seen how paying apportionments has financially strapped local congregations and crippled them from doing effective ministry in their local community. For example, SJ faithfully paid their apportionments every single year, but between them and my salary, they had almost no money for actual ministry (of course, even if they had more money, it may not have made a huge difference because they just seemed determined to die, but I digress). BT has NOT paid its apportionments the past two years, because if we had, then we might have had to cut our budget to the point where we had a building but no ministries or staff.
Mac is currently being penalized because he was the pastor of a church that did not pay its apportionments. The past two years were the first time in his 20-plus year career as a pastor that he didn't pay apportionments. If you've read more than two posts on this blog, you know how highly I think of Mac. And despite how frustrating BTUMC is at times, I think it's an amazing congregation and God is doing amazing things there, mostly because of Mac's leadership.
But, he didn't pay apportionments, so he's being moved. (And I have a feeling that my involvement on Finance and Church Council at BT has tainted me, even though I voted "no" on the recommendation to NOT pay apportionments, but I'll deal with my thoughts about being "tainted" by my association with Mac and BT in another post.)
And it just doesn't seem fair. Or right. Stay tuned for part 2, THE ITINERANT SYSTEM.
I see the way things can be, and I have this huge desire to do whatever I can to make them be that way.
I have no problem following the rules as long as I agree with them; as long as they make sense. When the rules don't make sense, when I don't agree with them, I tend to chafe against them and have a desire to push the envelope.
And I am part of a denomination that clings to a structure and system that don't work, that refuses to even admit that there is something wrong, much less refuses to change anything.
Here are my two rants: APPORTIONMENTS and the ITINERANT SYSTEM
First, APPORTIONMENTS
In my annual conference, the SINGLE measure for pastoral effectiveness is whether or not a church pays their apportionments (the amount, determined by the annual conference, that the local church pays to support the missions and ministries of the conference and denomination...which sounds great, but essentially supports the bureaucracy of the denomination). We track professions of faith, laity involvement, discipleship opportunities, etc, but based on what a number of clergy colleagues have told me, you can have people coming to Jesus left and right, highly developed lay leaders, a multitude of small groups, and incredible outreach to the community, but if your church does not pay its apportionments...you are an ineffective pastor. End of story.
I find myself intensely struggling with that. On the one hand, I believe that as long as apportionments exist, churches should strive to pay them and pastors should encourage their churches to pay apportionments, because the money does do amazing things...despite also helping to support a bureaucracy.
On the other hand, I have personally seen how paying apportionments has financially strapped local congregations and crippled them from doing effective ministry in their local community. For example, SJ faithfully paid their apportionments every single year, but between them and my salary, they had almost no money for actual ministry (of course, even if they had more money, it may not have made a huge difference because they just seemed determined to die, but I digress). BT has NOT paid its apportionments the past two years, because if we had, then we might have had to cut our budget to the point where we had a building but no ministries or staff.
Mac is currently being penalized because he was the pastor of a church that did not pay its apportionments. The past two years were the first time in his 20-plus year career as a pastor that he didn't pay apportionments. If you've read more than two posts on this blog, you know how highly I think of Mac. And despite how frustrating BTUMC is at times, I think it's an amazing congregation and God is doing amazing things there, mostly because of Mac's leadership.
But, he didn't pay apportionments, so he's being moved. (And I have a feeling that my involvement on Finance and Church Council at BT has tainted me, even though I voted "no" on the recommendation to NOT pay apportionments, but I'll deal with my thoughts about being "tainted" by my association with Mac and BT in another post.)
And it just doesn't seem fair. Or right. Stay tuned for part 2, THE ITINERANT SYSTEM.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
My Therapist is Making Lots of Money These Days
The good news: my request to come off of Family Leave and take a full-time appointment was approved by the Conference Relations Committee. I found out yesterday.
The bad news: I have been, am currently, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future, a nervous wreck.
Why is that, you ask?
I'm doing what I can to cope. I talk to both Mac and Helen on a somewhat consistent basis (Helen more than Mac, because we're both somewhat active on F*acebo*k and we play Scrabble via the iPad/iPhone. We're also both rebels who like to rage against the machine). I have another clergy friend with whom I talk fairly frequently. I've started seeing my counselor weekly, and will continue that schedule...until I'm more stabilized. And during this Lenten season, I am trying to relinquish my desire for control and the anxiety that a lack of control brings me...and give everything over to God.
But it's hard. So very, very hard...
The bad news: I have been, am currently, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future, a nervous wreck.
Why is that, you ask?
- My entire future is unknown. I have no control over it. Yes, God is in control of it, but that's of little comfort right now. I have requested a appointment in the area, but it's possible I might not get one. It's possible I might be appointed several hours away. We are not in a position to sell our house (hello, $30K underwater) and Harry's job is in this area, so...if I get an appointment out of the area, I have two options. Option #1 is to take the appointment and see my husband and children a couple days a week, if that. Option #2 is the turn down the appointment, which would essentially end my career. Neither option is especially attractive, as you can imagine. And no, I don't know what I will do. I'm leaning towards #1, but the thought of not seeing my husband and children every day breaks my heart.
- For some reason, the bishop is insisting that appointments be kept as secret as possible, and that word not "get out" until May 20, which is when the official announcements are made as to who is going where. Mac is leaving BTUMC. The SPRC is aware of this, and have already met with the projected new pastor (whose identity I don't know yet). They are sworn to secrecy (snort), but it appears that Carrie told Matt who told a few other people and now there is a little bit of chatter in the hallways of BTUMC about Mac leaving. I can not, and will not, tell anyone. But it grieves me that I am carrying around a secret that will break some peoples' hearts. The only reason I'm mentioning it here is that a) the only people IRL who know about this blog are people I trust implicitly and b) it's nearly impossible to find this blog if you don't know to look for it.
- I am experiencing some anger at the Three Musketeers and at the UMC itinerant system. I'm mad at the Three Musketeers because they're partially responsible for Mac leaving, and because his leaving is making them so damn happy. The very selfish part of me wants to walk up to them at church, hand them each a bottle of champagne, and say, "congratulations! Now, celebrate." Of course, I'm not going to do that. BUT I WANT TO. I'm angry at the UMC system because this forced secrecy is hurting and stressing out both myself and my friends...meaning Mac and Helen (his wife, which whom I've become friends).
- I'm experiencing a lot of anticipatory grief over leaving BT and leaving Mac. A lot of it is about leaving Mac, which is sort of ridiculous since if we do both wind up on the same district, we'll still see a decent amount of each other anyway. And I have his cell number, and personal e-mail address...so it's not like I won't be able to reach him. However, it will be different, and that is hard.
- On a personal note, Walter (the two-year-old) is not walking or talking. He is in Physical and Speech Therapy, is very bright, and there is no doubt that he will walk and talk someday. He is also the size of a 14 month-old, so we're becoming BFFs with the Endocrinologist. It's just a matter of waiting...and in this current season of my life, waiting is HARD.
I'm doing what I can to cope. I talk to both Mac and Helen on a somewhat consistent basis (Helen more than Mac, because we're both somewhat active on F*acebo*k and we play Scrabble via the iPad/iPhone. We're also both rebels who like to rage against the machine). I have another clergy friend with whom I talk fairly frequently. I've started seeing my counselor weekly, and will continue that schedule...until I'm more stabilized. And during this Lenten season, I am trying to relinquish my desire for control and the anxiety that a lack of control brings me...and give everything over to God.
But it's hard. So very, very hard...
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Housekeeping matter
I changed the name of the church I attend to "BTUMC" or "BT", with the "BT" standing for "Big Tree". It's an attempt to keep things more anonymous. I'm in the process of changing the labels, also. Just FYI.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Chess, Pawns, and the UMC System
Mac is moving in June.
He told me on Friday morning, when I called him about something totally unrelated. I was about to say goodbye when he said, "I have to talk to you."
It's top-secret right now (he wasn't even supposed to tell me, but felt he needed to), but once the projected new pastor meets with the SPRC, word will begin leaking out and some time after that an announcement will be made from the pulpit. There will be no public announcement of who is coming to BTUMC until the third Sunday of May, and even I don't know who that is (Mac does, but he's not telling me). Mac is keeping the news of where he is going mum, although I have a good idea where he is going, simply because I have a knack for that.
He wasn't supposed to move. He was expecting to be at BT for another few years. However, we didn't pay our apportionments (our tithe to the larger church, which was over $100K this year) in 2010 or 2011, and that's turned out to be a BIG DEAL. Of course, the reason we didn't pay this year was largely due to the antics of the Three Musketeers. Matt (the finance chair) acted like he was upset that we didn't pay apportionments, but in reality...I don't think he cared that much.
In a system where the major indicator of pastoral effectiveness is whether or not a church pays its apportionments...not paying apportionments is a BIG DEAL, and apparently the way the Cabinet is punishing pastors/churches who don't pay apportionments is by moving them, saying that their "gifts are needed elsewhere in the annual conference."
Reportedly, Carrie (Staff-Parish chair) was "giddy with excitement" when she heard the news, and my response to that was, "what a %$#@! And while she may be sworn to secrecy right now, as soon as a meeting is held with the new pastor, she will be able to share the news with the other Musketeers. They can cackle in glee together.
Meanwhile, I'm sad that Mac won't be at BT next year (even though I won't be, either, but I liked the idea of coming back and having him there). I'm angry on his behalf that he's having to move (not out of the area, but he will have to sell his house and move to a parsonage) because of the resistance that he experienced from these three people. I'm also sad for BT...because the vast majority of people will be very upset when they find out Mac is leaving.
And honestly...I guess I'm angry with and struggling with the concept of a system that treats clergy as pawns to be moved around the "board" of the Annual Conference at will...with very little input. And a system that penalizes clergy for not paying apportionments, even though so much of that may be out of their control (for example, at the finance meeting where we voted to pay or not pay apportionments, Mac and I were the only holdouts...everyone else voted to NOT pay apportionments).
I'm also anxious about my own appointment...and I probably won't hear from my DS until March or April. I'm on the list for potential associate pastor positions, and am hoping that I might get a call for an interview for one of those. We shall see.
He told me on Friday morning, when I called him about something totally unrelated. I was about to say goodbye when he said, "I have to talk to you."
It's top-secret right now (he wasn't even supposed to tell me, but felt he needed to), but once the projected new pastor meets with the SPRC, word will begin leaking out and some time after that an announcement will be made from the pulpit. There will be no public announcement of who is coming to BTUMC until the third Sunday of May, and even I don't know who that is (Mac does, but he's not telling me). Mac is keeping the news of where he is going mum, although I have a good idea where he is going, simply because I have a knack for that.
He wasn't supposed to move. He was expecting to be at BT for another few years. However, we didn't pay our apportionments (our tithe to the larger church, which was over $100K this year) in 2010 or 2011, and that's turned out to be a BIG DEAL. Of course, the reason we didn't pay this year was largely due to the antics of the Three Musketeers. Matt (the finance chair) acted like he was upset that we didn't pay apportionments, but in reality...I don't think he cared that much.
In a system where the major indicator of pastoral effectiveness is whether or not a church pays its apportionments...not paying apportionments is a BIG DEAL, and apparently the way the Cabinet is punishing pastors/churches who don't pay apportionments is by moving them, saying that their "gifts are needed elsewhere in the annual conference."
Reportedly, Carrie (Staff-Parish chair) was "giddy with excitement" when she heard the news, and my response to that was, "what a %$#@! And while she may be sworn to secrecy right now, as soon as a meeting is held with the new pastor, she will be able to share the news with the other Musketeers. They can cackle in glee together.
Meanwhile, I'm sad that Mac won't be at BT next year (even though I won't be, either, but I liked the idea of coming back and having him there). I'm angry on his behalf that he's having to move (not out of the area, but he will have to sell his house and move to a parsonage) because of the resistance that he experienced from these three people. I'm also sad for BT...because the vast majority of people will be very upset when they find out Mac is leaving.
And honestly...I guess I'm angry with and struggling with the concept of a system that treats clergy as pawns to be moved around the "board" of the Annual Conference at will...with very little input. And a system that penalizes clergy for not paying apportionments, even though so much of that may be out of their control (for example, at the finance meeting where we voted to pay or not pay apportionments, Mac and I were the only holdouts...everyone else voted to NOT pay apportionments).
I'm also anxious about my own appointment...and I probably won't hear from my DS until March or April. I'm on the list for potential associate pastor positions, and am hoping that I might get a call for an interview for one of those. We shall see.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
The Times, They Are A-Changin'
I've known this on a cognitive level for some time now, but the past few weeks it has begun hitting me on a heart-level that MY LIFE WILL TOTALLY CHANGE after July 1, which will be my first day in my new appointment.
Currently, I am a stay-at-home mom to two young children, and I moonlight as a hospital chaplain. That usually just involves overnight on-calls and the occasional day shift. Nora and Walter are used to spending lots of time with me, and I with them. They are used to having me tuck them in each night, be home with them when they're sick, Nora is used to me dropping her off and picking her up at school, etc. Don't get me wrong; they're fine with baby-sitters and Harry is a wonderful and involved father. But the lion-share of the child care has been in my camp for the past three years, because I've been at home.
Come July 1, all that will change. I will be serving as a full-time pastor. I do not yet know where I will be serving (and won't know until March or April), and while I am hoping and praying that I will be appointed to a church in this area, there is no guarantee that I will be. Essentially, my entire life is going to change, and I don't know what it will look like. And that scares me.
I am realistic enough to know that the idea of a full-time ministry position being 40 hours a week is a joke. Sure, it might happen here and there, but I'm pretty much expecting to work 50-60 hours a week, especially in the first six to twelve months, as the church and I get used to each other. And even with solid boundaries and efficiency, I know there will be weeks (such as before Christmas, Easter, and when lots of pastoral stuff comes up) where I will be struggling to even keep my hours close to the 60-hour a week level. Pastoral ministry is not a 9-to-5 job, so I know that I'll have evening meetings and weekend events. I know I will get the occasional phone call in the middle of the night or on my day off because someone has died or is dying.
I have "been around the block" enough to know (and will put in place) self-care strategies and philosophies such as a consistent day off, a general understanding and practice of "God first, family second, church third", a clergy support group, a therapist/spiritual director, continuing education, and time for spiritual disciplines.
Here's my question: How the heck am I going to balance my family and professional lives? How am I going to be a mother to my two young children (who will be 5 and 2), a wife to my husband, and a pastor? I am realistic enough to know that I will never be able to balance all three roles perfectly, but I'm hoping to balance them well enough...I'm just not sure how I'm going to do that and what it's going to look like.
So far, Harry and I have figured out that:
What I would greatly greatly appreciate from my clergy sisters and brothers is concrete advice on how to balance family and congregational life. Specifically, I would love to know how YOU do it, or have done it in the past. Please don't give me book suggestions (I'm currently reading this one) or give me general encouragement like, "you can do it!" That's not what I'm asking...I'm really asking people to give me two or three ways that they "make it work."
I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!
Currently, I am a stay-at-home mom to two young children, and I moonlight as a hospital chaplain. That usually just involves overnight on-calls and the occasional day shift. Nora and Walter are used to spending lots of time with me, and I with them. They are used to having me tuck them in each night, be home with them when they're sick, Nora is used to me dropping her off and picking her up at school, etc. Don't get me wrong; they're fine with baby-sitters and Harry is a wonderful and involved father. But the lion-share of the child care has been in my camp for the past three years, because I've been at home.
Come July 1, all that will change. I will be serving as a full-time pastor. I do not yet know where I will be serving (and won't know until March or April), and while I am hoping and praying that I will be appointed to a church in this area, there is no guarantee that I will be. Essentially, my entire life is going to change, and I don't know what it will look like. And that scares me.
I am realistic enough to know that the idea of a full-time ministry position being 40 hours a week is a joke. Sure, it might happen here and there, but I'm pretty much expecting to work 50-60 hours a week, especially in the first six to twelve months, as the church and I get used to each other. And even with solid boundaries and efficiency, I know there will be weeks (such as before Christmas, Easter, and when lots of pastoral stuff comes up) where I will be struggling to even keep my hours close to the 60-hour a week level. Pastoral ministry is not a 9-to-5 job, so I know that I'll have evening meetings and weekend events. I know I will get the occasional phone call in the middle of the night or on my day off because someone has died or is dying.
I have "been around the block" enough to know (and will put in place) self-care strategies and philosophies such as a consistent day off, a general understanding and practice of "God first, family second, church third", a clergy support group, a therapist/spiritual director, continuing education, and time for spiritual disciplines.
Here's my question: How the heck am I going to balance my family and professional lives? How am I going to be a mother to my two young children (who will be 5 and 2), a wife to my husband, and a pastor? I am realistic enough to know that I will never be able to balance all three roles perfectly, but I'm hoping to balance them well enough...I'm just not sure how I'm going to do that and what it's going to look like.
So far, Harry and I have figured out that:
- We will cough up the money for a cleaning service twice a month (one of only two lifestyle changes we will make).
- Both children will be in part-time preschool and then part-time daycare.
- We will have several people "on-call" to baby-sit on evenings and weekends when both Harry and I have to work, or he's out of town, or sick.
- Depending on my setting, I may be able to "push" for childcare at evening meetings or simply bring one or both of the kids.
- We will utilize the flexible schedule of parish ministry to our advantage.
What I would greatly greatly appreciate from my clergy sisters and brothers is concrete advice on how to balance family and congregational life. Specifically, I would love to know how YOU do it, or have done it in the past. Please don't give me book suggestions (I'm currently reading this one) or give me general encouragement like, "you can do it!" That's not what I'm asking...I'm really asking people to give me two or three ways that they "make it work."
I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
It's Freak-Out Time
I posted the final draft of my Pastor Profile yesterday.
On December 15, I have a meeting with my District Superintendent to discuss appointment possibilities, based on my gifts and growing edges.
My packet (letter requesting end of leave and accompanying forms) to the Conference Relations Committee is complete and ready to be sent. I will probably do that tomorrow.
This is happening...with only a few hoops to jump through, I am going back under appointment. I am going to be a pastor again.
And I am terrified. Totally freaking out.
I believe with all my heart that this is what God is calling me to do. I'm a great chaplain, but my greatest gifts and joy lie in serving the local church.
I have thrived at BTUMC and love Mac and the people there, and will cry buckets of tears in June...but unless an absolute miracle happens and they suddenly have enough money to add an associate position, I have to leave BT in order to fulfill my calling. (Of course, even if they did add an associate position, I don't know if Mac would want me as his associate. It's one thing to have me in his church as a clergy person on family leave, it's another thing for us to work together on a daily basis.)
I know that God is with me, will continue to be with me, and will give me everything I need to be an effective pastor...as long as I continue to trust in Him.
Harry is a wonderfully supportive spouse and even Nora gets excited at the thought of being a "pastor's kid" (although I doubt she'll feel the same way in a few years).
I asked Mac point-blank a few weeks ago if he thought I was ready to go back, and he said he thought that I was.
My counselor (who is a retired pastor) thinks that I'm ready.
In other words, all the lights are green. God, my intuition, my family, colleagues...I am not seeing any red flags suggesting that I should wait.
But still, I'm terrified. I'm scared of myself, because I know that I am potentially both the greatest asset and the greatest hindrance to my ministry.
God has given me the gifts for being a pastor, and God will give me guidance and wisdom. I have everything it takes to be an effective pastor.
...IF I continue to rely on Him.
...IF I continue to choose faith over fear.
...IF I continue to listen to God's voice and my own intuition over the voice of others.
...IF I continue to practice good self-care and establish/maintain a good support network.
So many "ifs"...and so many are dependent on me being faithful. And I'm so scared that I will fail...
On December 15, I have a meeting with my District Superintendent to discuss appointment possibilities, based on my gifts and growing edges.
My packet (letter requesting end of leave and accompanying forms) to the Conference Relations Committee is complete and ready to be sent. I will probably do that tomorrow.
This is happening...with only a few hoops to jump through, I am going back under appointment. I am going to be a pastor again.
And I am terrified. Totally freaking out.
I believe with all my heart that this is what God is calling me to do. I'm a great chaplain, but my greatest gifts and joy lie in serving the local church.
I have thrived at BTUMC and love Mac and the people there, and will cry buckets of tears in June...but unless an absolute miracle happens and they suddenly have enough money to add an associate position, I have to leave BT in order to fulfill my calling. (Of course, even if they did add an associate position, I don't know if Mac would want me as his associate. It's one thing to have me in his church as a clergy person on family leave, it's another thing for us to work together on a daily basis.)
I know that God is with me, will continue to be with me, and will give me everything I need to be an effective pastor...as long as I continue to trust in Him.
Harry is a wonderfully supportive spouse and even Nora gets excited at the thought of being a "pastor's kid" (although I doubt she'll feel the same way in a few years).
I asked Mac point-blank a few weeks ago if he thought I was ready to go back, and he said he thought that I was.
My counselor (who is a retired pastor) thinks that I'm ready.
In other words, all the lights are green. God, my intuition, my family, colleagues...I am not seeing any red flags suggesting that I should wait.
But still, I'm terrified. I'm scared of myself, because I know that I am potentially both the greatest asset and the greatest hindrance to my ministry.
God has given me the gifts for being a pastor, and God will give me guidance and wisdom. I have everything it takes to be an effective pastor.
...IF I continue to rely on Him.
...IF I continue to choose faith over fear.
...IF I continue to listen to God's voice and my own intuition over the voice of others.
...IF I continue to practice good self-care and establish/maintain a good support network.
So many "ifs"...and so many are dependent on me being faithful. And I'm so scared that I will fail...
Monday, October 24, 2011
A Failure of Nerve and Interpersonal Relationships
I need advice.
Things at BT are still rough. It's very similar to what I went through at SJ, and that is painful for me on so many levels. I know it's also very painful for Mac. Well, duh, it's more painful for Mac. He's the pastor. I'm just Random Non-appointed Clergy Person. He's in the middle of it; I'm on the periphery.
I've prayed about why God brought me to BT at this time in my life and ministry and at this season in BT's life, and how I can best support the congregation, the leaders, and Mac.
I felt, and still feel, that perhaps God is calling me to be present for them. To be in prayer, to fulfill my current ministry responsibilities, and to use my gifts to encourage them and challenge them when necessary. I also promised myself and God that I would speak for Mac in meetings...that I would have his back...if and when the time came.
The time came last Monday, and I had what Edwin Friedman calls "a failure of nerve".
During our Church Council meeting last Monday, the SPRC chair attacked Mac. It wasn't a personal attack, but it was about a subject that was not appropriate for the gathering; it belonged in their committee or between them.
I said nothing. Words failed me. I couldn't say anything, and I'm still not sure why. I did glare at our Church Council chair, who quickly shut it down.
But, I left that meeting in tears, and that was a major reason. I felt that I had failed Mac, and I was angry at myself for having failed Mac.
A few hours later, I sent Mac an e-mail, apologizing for what happened. His response, "thank you for your words".
After seeing my counselor the next day, it occurred to me that perhaps I should have apologized to Mac over the phone versus e-mail, because it would have given him a chance to respond (I have avoidance issues; we can talk about that later).
So, the next day I called him, and asked if we needed to "clear the air", so to speak, about what happened Monday night. He said that the SPRC chair was in the front office, people could hear conversations, busy day, etc. All perfectly logical reasons, so I let it go. I did send him an e-mail later, telling him that I would rather have an uncomfortable conversation than for there to be any "bad blood" between us. He didn't respond to that e-mail.
We've e-mailed and texted a few times, but it's all been task-related, and there has been no mention of anything beyond the surface. Not entirely unusual, but kind of frustrating for me, given that I opened up the door for a conversation.
Being my INFP, highly relational self, this is absolutely eating me up inside. I am well aware that Mac is not as relationally-oriented as I am, that this is a crazy busy time, that the combination of the above two factors means that this issue has probably not even crossed his mind very much. There's also a strong possibility that our relationship doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me, which is fine and also fairly expected (after all, it was HIS sermons that made ME cry). I just don't want there to be bad blood between us. I'll be at OG for another eight months, and even after that, we're clergy in the same annual conference. We will run into each other for the next 20 years, and I'd just as soon not be reminded each time I see him that we parted on less-than-stellar terms.
So...how should I proceed? Give him another week, and then bring it up and demand to meet with him? Call him sooner than that? Just give it to God and see what happens? At the very least, I would like to hear, "Oh, that? It didn't even cross my mind. Not even a blip on the radar. We're cool." or "Yes, I'm angry, but I'm still processing and need more time" or something in between.
What should I do, my friends?
Things at BT are still rough. It's very similar to what I went through at SJ, and that is painful for me on so many levels. I know it's also very painful for Mac. Well, duh, it's more painful for Mac. He's the pastor. I'm just Random Non-appointed Clergy Person. He's in the middle of it; I'm on the periphery.
I've prayed about why God brought me to BT at this time in my life and ministry and at this season in BT's life, and how I can best support the congregation, the leaders, and Mac.
I felt, and still feel, that perhaps God is calling me to be present for them. To be in prayer, to fulfill my current ministry responsibilities, and to use my gifts to encourage them and challenge them when necessary. I also promised myself and God that I would speak for Mac in meetings...that I would have his back...if and when the time came.
The time came last Monday, and I had what Edwin Friedman calls "a failure of nerve".
During our Church Council meeting last Monday, the SPRC chair attacked Mac. It wasn't a personal attack, but it was about a subject that was not appropriate for the gathering; it belonged in their committee or between them.
I said nothing. Words failed me. I couldn't say anything, and I'm still not sure why. I did glare at our Church Council chair, who quickly shut it down.
But, I left that meeting in tears, and that was a major reason. I felt that I had failed Mac, and I was angry at myself for having failed Mac.
A few hours later, I sent Mac an e-mail, apologizing for what happened. His response, "thank you for your words".
After seeing my counselor the next day, it occurred to me that perhaps I should have apologized to Mac over the phone versus e-mail, because it would have given him a chance to respond (I have avoidance issues; we can talk about that later).
So, the next day I called him, and asked if we needed to "clear the air", so to speak, about what happened Monday night. He said that the SPRC chair was in the front office, people could hear conversations, busy day, etc. All perfectly logical reasons, so I let it go. I did send him an e-mail later, telling him that I would rather have an uncomfortable conversation than for there to be any "bad blood" between us. He didn't respond to that e-mail.
We've e-mailed and texted a few times, but it's all been task-related, and there has been no mention of anything beyond the surface. Not entirely unusual, but kind of frustrating for me, given that I opened up the door for a conversation.
Being my INFP, highly relational self, this is absolutely eating me up inside. I am well aware that Mac is not as relationally-oriented as I am, that this is a crazy busy time, that the combination of the above two factors means that this issue has probably not even crossed his mind very much. There's also a strong possibility that our relationship doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me, which is fine and also fairly expected (after all, it was HIS sermons that made ME cry). I just don't want there to be bad blood between us. I'll be at OG for another eight months, and even after that, we're clergy in the same annual conference. We will run into each other for the next 20 years, and I'd just as soon not be reminded each time I see him that we parted on less-than-stellar terms.
So...how should I proceed? Give him another week, and then bring it up and demand to meet with him? Call him sooner than that? Just give it to God and see what happens? At the very least, I would like to hear, "Oh, that? It didn't even cross my mind. Not even a blip on the radar. We're cool." or "Yes, I'm angry, but I'm still processing and need more time" or something in between.
What should I do, my friends?
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