Wednesday, March 7, 2012

My Therapist is Making Lots of Money These Days

The good news: my request to come off of Family Leave and take a full-time appointment was approved by the Conference Relations Committee. I found out yesterday.

The bad news: I have been, am currently, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future, a nervous wreck.

Why is that, you ask?

  • My entire future is unknown. I have no control over it. Yes, God is in control of it, but that's of little comfort right now. I have requested a appointment in the area, but it's possible I might not get one. It's possible I might be appointed several hours away.  We are not in a position to sell our house (hello, $30K underwater) and Harry's job is in this area, so...if I get an appointment out of the area, I have two options. Option #1 is to take the appointment and see my husband and children a couple days a week, if that. Option #2 is the turn down the appointment, which would essentially end my career. Neither option is especially attractive, as you can imagine. And no, I don't know what I will do. I'm leaning towards #1, but the thought of not seeing my husband and children every day breaks my heart.
  • For some reason, the bishop is insisting that appointments be kept as secret as possible, and that word not "get out" until May 20, which is when the official announcements are made as to who is going where. Mac is leaving BTUMC. The SPRC is aware of this, and have already met with the projected new pastor (whose identity I don't know yet). They are sworn to secrecy (snort), but it appears that Carrie told Matt who told a few other people and now there is a little bit of chatter in the hallways of BTUMC about Mac leaving. I can not, and will not, tell anyone. But it grieves me that I am carrying around a secret that will break some peoples' hearts. The only reason I'm mentioning it here is that a) the only people IRL who know about this blog are people I trust implicitly and b) it's nearly impossible to find this blog if you don't know to look for it.
  • I am experiencing some anger at the Three Musketeers and at the UMC itinerant system. I'm mad at the Three Musketeers because they're partially responsible for Mac leaving, and because his leaving is making them so damn happy. The very selfish part of me wants to walk up to them at church, hand them each a bottle of champagne, and say, "congratulations! Now, celebrate." Of course, I'm not going to do that. BUT I WANT TO. I'm angry at the UMC system because this forced secrecy is hurting and stressing out both myself and my friends...meaning Mac and Helen (his wife, which whom I've become friends). 
  • I'm experiencing a lot of anticipatory grief over leaving BT and leaving Mac. A lot of it is about leaving Mac, which is sort of ridiculous since if we do both wind up on the same district, we'll still see a decent amount of each other anyway. And I have his cell number, and personal e-mail it's not like I won't be able to reach him. However, it will be different, and that is hard.
  • On a personal note, Walter (the two-year-old) is not walking or talking. He is in Physical and Speech Therapy, is very bright, and there is no doubt that he will walk and talk someday. He is also the size of a 14 month-old, so we're becoming BFFs with the Endocrinologist. It's just a matter of waiting...and in this current season of my life, waiting is HARD. 
So, I'm doing a lot of crying. And praying. And hyperventilating. And staying up late because I can't sleep because I keep thinking "what if" scenarios.

I'm doing what I can to cope. I talk to both Mac and Helen on a somewhat consistent basis (Helen more than Mac, because we're both somewhat active on F*acebo*k and we play Scrabble via the iPad/iPhone. We're also both rebels who like to rage against the machine). I have another clergy friend with whom I talk fairly frequently. I've started seeing my counselor weekly, and will continue that schedule...until I'm more stabilized. And during this Lenten season, I am trying to relinquish my desire for control and the anxiety that a lack of control brings me...and give everything over to God.

But it's hard. So very, very hard...

1 comment:

Terri said...

no doubt you have a big full plate over flowing with worry.Ack. I really hope it all works out well. So very hard to just trust that. But in my experience it usually does....will hope that is so for you and your family and colleagues.